Now that they’ve shutdown the Bangkok Shutdown and peace once again is the law of the land (just ignore those pesky news stories about continued violence at the former protest sites) it’s time for the powers that be and the powers that wannabe to get back to the business of running the Kingdom instead of just running it into the ground. With a breather between occupying forces occupying Bangkok, the country’s leaders are once again looking toward the future. But they too have come to realize when it comes to the Thai political process, everyone loves a parade, and a party ‘til they protest atmosphere has become de rigueur whenever the scent of change, again, is in the air.

Everyone seems to agree that the battle over who gets to be top banana will continue until somebody dies. Though no one is quite brave enough to put a name to that body. What both sides also agree on is that the one power that can make or break a good uprising is the Thai military. And since history has shown when the tanks roll into town the only winners are those with lots of gold braiding on their shoulders, no one really wants to wake that slumbering beast.

But a citizenry running amok isn’t good for business, no matter how much fun that may be. And if the beast that you know isn’t the beast you want to use to restore peace, there’s only one answer. And in Thailand, that’s the Beast Feeding Center, just east of Bangkok in Chachoengsao province, which the authorities have decided to turn into a monkey police academy and where some 400 monkeys and 100 gibbons and langurs are being trained in crowd control techniques.

Teerapat Prayoonsit, director-general of the Department of National Parks, Wildlife and Plant Conservation, says they’ve been training pig-tailed macaques of six months to one year of age at the Center’s monkey college. “They are learning to take orders from trainers, and the next phase they will receive crowd-control training which should take at least one year.” Or about two weeks if they put the red shirt leaders in charge of the program.

These trained monkeys will then be unleashed into long suffering local communities to hand out simian street justice. Without specifying a color of shirt, Prayoonsit says they’ve found many instances where outside agitators living near communities create trouble for the residents. “Over time, they become emboldened and start ransacking houses,“ he says. “Some people even moved away because of them.”

Prayoonsit says the packs of rabble-rousers needing to be controlled are usually small, smart, and very naughty. But by nature, are afraid of their bigger and smarter cousins, who tend to be prevalently from the South. The Center’s Monkey Patrol will be trained to assist officials in scaring the smaller rabble away from communities.

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