(If you caught that Joe Cocker reference, you get bonus points. And good on you, you’re gonna need them. This is the 6th part of a 7 part series of posts about the joys of falling in love with a Thai moneyboy, and the subsequent whining about how badly he done you wrong. That I could sneak in a two part post on a seven article series of posts is a bonus for me. The bonus in it for you is that it may help you get used to being abused, which will be a major part of your life if you fail to head the valuable, if not snarky, advice I’m sharing with you in these articles.)

As a young ‘un I was fascinated by the history of European royalty, reading everything I could get my hands on about the subject. Historical accounts, biographies, weighty academic tomes, fictionalized stories heavy on romance, it didn’t matter. If a king, queen, or other ruler played a role in the book, I was a happy camper. Though now, looking back at those years, I can better understand the concerns of my 5th grade teacher when I walked into class one day with a dog-eared paperback of War and Peace under my arm. Okay, so the tears that caused may have been a bit over-dramatic, but in her defense my brother had taken her to task on the faulty picture of a catapult she’d drawn on the blackboard just the week before. But at that age I didn’t know that those who choose to teach elementary school often do so because their intelligence level precludes them from offering instruction to more mature minds, like those of high-school students. Though the frequency with which I had to correct her pronunciation of words with more than three syllable should have tipped me off.

Of course at that age, one of my favorite historical kings – ‘cuz I did not yet know that queens would play a much more pivotal role in my life – was England’s Henry VIII. As a role model for a precocious child, Hank’s probably not the best choice. For a future sower of seed, the big guy’s use and abuse of the marriage bed probably should sound a cautionary tale rather than be someone you want to emulate. As a cautionary tale about the dangers of pussy, however, you can’t do much better.

For a young lad who in his latter years will test his wiles against those of bar boys in Thailand, Henry’s story should be taken to heart. The past is prologue to the future, as they say, and while you may no longer be able to resort to the chopping block to rid yourself of an attachment you’ve grown weary of, Henry’s difficulties with the ladies should sound a warning of the financial and emotional costs of falling in love too often and for the wrong reasons. Henry was the original butterfly. And he probably would have been a much happier man if he’d only recognized that fact. If Henry had realized the cost of promising his kingdom for the horse he so badly wanted to ride, perhaps he’d have avoided those blunders and headed for the closest Ye Olde Massage Shoppe instead. Much like with picking up a new car these days, there are times it is better to lease than to buy.

When some poor fool – often from the country formed by Henry’s ill-advised loin’s exploits – shares his tale of woe about a bar boy who done him wrong on one of the message boards, the responses take the same form as those who have dissected Hank’s troubles and life over the years. In both cases there are those who sympathize with Henry, and those who sympathize with the queens. There are those quick to point out Henry’s errors. And those quick to pass judgement on the scammers who only had their eye on his wallet. About the only thing historians can agree on is that Anne Boleyn was a whore. Ditto for any boy who manages to trick a farang into a relationship with him. In truth, Henry and at least seven of his wives were probably equally to blame for the demise of their relationship. As for bar boys, their history doesn’t have Henry VIII in it. Instead they have Rama IV. And his 39 wives. So now who are you gonna blame?

With my first orgasm still a few years away, Henry’s preoccupation with his orgasms never quite hit home. And I was still a decade away from understanding when it comes to orgasms, in one manner or another, you always have to pay for it. Nonetheless, one of the practices in Henry’s day that fascinated me was the idea of the dowry. That as a man you not only got a wife but a substantial chunk of your wife’s family’s royal coffers to take her off of their hands just sounded too good to be true. It was like winning the lottery. I suppose, had I known then how worthless pussy really is, that traditional financial windfall associated with marriage would have made more sense.

Nonetheless, though mistakenly so, I thought I’d figured out why Henry was so enthralled with the idea of marriage and why he sought out wife after wife after wife. It sounded to me that choosing a career was the wrong path to take – a succession of wives could easily finance your entire life instead. Fortunately before I embarked on that life’s plan I also learned about another marriage tradition: divorce. And how the latter ends up costing much more than the former ever netted you. Kinda makes you wonder why the practice of beheading your wife when you tired of her ever went out of style.

Thailand may not have Henry VIII as part of its historical record, but the dowry system they know. And unlike Henry, it’s alive, well, and still in use today. But, this is Thailand, so – a always – there’s a local twist. In the Land of Smiles it is not the fish’s family who ponies up with cash, it is the man who pays for the pussy he’ll be waking up to the rest of his life. I’m just glad it was European royalty that fascinated me as a child. If it had been Thai customs instead I probably would have grown up gay just at the thought of having to pay out my hard earned cash for an orgasm or two. Oh. Wait . . .

Called sin sod in the local parlance, just like you have to pay the bar to off a boy, when things get more serious you have to pay his parents to off him from their home. You may not realize it, you may not be aware that is what is happening, but when you want to fiddle around on a more permanent basis, you’re gonna have to pay the piper. Welcome to Thailand.

In traditional marriages – that’d be those in which the poor sucker has not yet learned how worthless pussy really is – the concept of sin sod is known, hated by farang, and a ready source of profit for any Thai family lucky enough to sell of one of it daughters to a rich foreigner. In same-sex couplings, not so much. So far. Because same-sex marriages are still not a reality in Thailand. Thank the gods. The problem is that Thais are quite familiar with the custom of sin sod – often referred to as the bride price – even if as a farang you’re not. And since money is at hand – and a lot of it – that their ‘daughter’ is really their son is a minor detail easily overlooked.

So how common is the custom of sin sod? Well, since I just told you it involves a Thai getting money out of a farang we now know there is in fact such a thing as a stupid question. But since you asked, here’s what the Thai embassy’s official website has to say. And yes, I did just say the Thai embassy:

“The Thai dowry system, which is more commonly known as Sin Sod, is deeply rooted in Thai culture. It is a way of honoring your bride’s parents for raising their daughter well. This is also a way of showing that you are financially capable of taking care of your Thai bride throughout your married life, because her parents tend to consider financial security as basis for the marriage.”

The embassy goes on to explain that the sin sod is usually money (duh) and that the value of your future spouse depends on her social status, education, whether or not she is a virgin – those Thais and their sense of humor – her occupation, and the size of your bank account. Okay, so that last one was left unsaid, but it’s a given. They advise that “An average middle-class, university-educated Thai lady deserves a dowry of 100,000- 300,000 baht.” But then quickly add that “A dowry of a million baht for an uneducated lady of modest means is just ridiculous.” How we got from 300,000 baht to a million is not mentioned. But that too has a lot to do with what was left unsaid.

Of course so far we’re still talking about those poor breeders. Though I assume a ladyboy still qualifies as a ‘her’ and still qualifies as a cash cow for her family. Which may explain why there are so many ladyboys in Thailand. But before you start thanking the gods once again for blessing you with being gay, here’s a headline fresh off the press today (that’d be Coconuts Bangkok):

German Guy Weds His Thai Boyfriend With THB1 Million Dowry

There’s a video too of the 53-year-old meat exporter from Hanover, Germany and his 26-year-old boyfriend who met on-line three years ago and finally met in person when the farang flew to Thailand to wed, so for you masochists here’s the link.

Now farangs in the know – that’d be sexpats – will tell you that there is no good reason for you to pay the sin sod your BS’s family expects. But then advice coming out of Pattaya is always worth what it costs you. You may think as a farang you are above the custom of sin sod, but when a Thai family has its collective eye on your wallet, you’ll quickly learn there is nothing further from the truth. You may also think that as a gay man, sin sod is beyond your worries. Wrong again. And if you think just because you’ve not yet decided to exchange formal I Dos, you and your bank account are safe . . . check back tomorrow for Part 2 of this post and discover just how many lucky farang have paid the sin sod price without ever knowing it.

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