Of course the Republicans have their hearts set on killing off the tradition of leaving a lump of coal in the stocking of naughty boys in favor of fracking, and you gotta admit having fire shoot out of your water spigot just sounds more festive. Kind of a shame when profits trump tradition, but there is a karma ring to the end-user facing illness and death rather than those who toil to bring heat to our homes; coal miners may soon be out of work but won’t have to face the dangers associated with their poor paying jobs anymore. See? The GOP really is about sharing the wealth.

At Christmas time, coal gets a bad rap. Ignoring the fact it is responsible for keeping millions of people from freezing to death and that the Industrial Revolution could have never happened without it, tradition turns coal into the bad guy, the stick to keep little boys and girls from acting out during the holiday season. No one wants to get up early on Christmas morning to find a lump of coal in their stocking. Of course no one wants to get up early on Christmas morning to unwrap a butt-ugly itchy sweater their maiden aunt knitted for them either but do we use that monstrosity to frighten kids into behaving? Of course we don’t. ‘Cuz tradition dictates that coal play the part of the bad guy. So what idiot started that rumor in the first place?

Not surprisingly, no one wants to claim that Christmas tradition gem as their own. In fact most countries that follow the tradition blame some other country. The U.K. gets named as the culprit a lot, which since the UK traditionally has lots to answer for seems just. But the fault properly lays with the Italians. It’s just no one likes to point a finger in their direction out of fear of their rep for perfecting the art of bloody revenge.

You’d think with the seat of the Catholic church smack dab in the middle of their country’s capital, the Italians would do better on claiming traditions centering on Christian myth. Instead the Germans claimed all the good stuff – Santa, Christmas Trees, Christmas Stockings – leaving the Italians Christmas crumbs to choose from. And there’s not a lot you can do with coal. At least story-wise. Unless you think out of the box and pull Halloween into the picture to give your tale some ooomph.

So forget about the fat jolly guy in red, and let’s talk about an old crone dressed in black whose favorite mode of transportation is a broomstick instead. The legend of La Befana sounds eeirly like that of Saint Nicholas, but pulls the birth of the baby Jesus into the tale and gives the world’s first Christmas nod to the infamous lump of coal.

At least two of the three kings famous for travelling by starlight evidently were as proficient at reading a map as your average Thai. Somehow they ended up in Italy on their way to Bethlehem, even if the boot is a few thousand miles north of where they began their journey and even further north from where they wanted to go. Lost, they did what only someone with that screwed up of a sense of direction would do and stopped to ask a woman for help. Fortunately for the Christmas lump of coal tale, it was La Befana’s house they stopped for directions at.

Of course she was as clueless as they were, but instead of heading for the local Stop & Rob to get directions the Kings invited La Befana to join them. How they ever got to be known as the Wise Men is beyond me. La Befana may have been directionally challenged due to her gender, but wasn’t a fool. So she declined their offer to join them on their road trip. Twice. Because even back then men never believed a woman when she said no. Exit two Kings. Quite wisely.

Rolling her eyes at the stupidity of men, La Befana happened to notice a bright shining star in the skies. These days when people see unusual bright shining stars in the sky they assume the crazy North Koreans just launched another rocket. Back then, people assumed the star signified the birth of a baby god. Thinking she may have a chance of seeing Justin Bieber in person – the Italians have always been big on lesbians – the old crone gathered up the toys she’d previously given to her own little tyke, who had died, mounted her broomstick, and flew off for the baby Jesus’ birthday party. And thus the tradition of re-gifting was born.

Ooops, wrong tradition.

The Wise Men finally stopped and asked a man for directions; you know how their tales ends. La Befana didn’t fare quite as well, though you can’t really blame her because it is difficult to find someone to talk to and get directions from when you pull up on a broomstick. You get the same reaction as those who drive a Prius today. Though not with the same amount of laughter. Much like modern women who just can’t fathom the idea that they need to stay on Highway 5, La Befana failed to grasp that heading toward that bright star might be the answer and instead missed out on the entire event. No problemo. If at first you don’t succeed . . .

Tradition says that even today, La Befana continues to try to find the baby Jesus. Not on Christmas, mind you, because that would just be ripping off the Saint Nicholas tale, but rather on the Eve of the Epiphany, January 5th. Flying through the sky on her trusty broomstick, the old hag who is now covered in black from shimmying down chimneys, leaves toys along the way to the good children and leaves a lump of coal for the naughty children. How the lump of coal entered the picture is not explained. But the Italians celebrate disappointing unruly rug rats with a popular rock candy during the Christmas season called Carbone Dolce, which looks like coal. Say what you will about the Italians’ inability to manage their economy or elect an honest politician to lead their country, we can all agree when it come to food, even if it is a piece of candy, the Italians rule.

Now before someone writes in bitching that I ruined the telling of their cherished Christmas tale, the fact is the Italians are no better at recounting their traditional stories than are the Mexicans. Optional version of the La Befana tale have it that it was only one lost Wise Man, not two who stopped by for directions. And some versions stress the old bitch was a housekeeper and took her broom on her journey so she could clean up the god awful mess all those animals left in the manger. Some tellings of the tale end with her reaching her destination – which is really stretching it since that would be the first and only time in the history of the world a woman didn’t get lost – and that she not only met Justin Bieber but loaded him up with gifts too.

Some tell the tale that the purpose of La Befana’s original journey wasn’t to bring the baby Jesus gifts of toys, but rather that she was delusional and thought he was he son; her plan was to kidnap the child and take him back home with her, which since this was in the days before the Amber Alert system was in place could have really ruined the Christmas story for everyone else in the world. Then there are those who don’t think a lump of coal is a bad enough reward and add in that La Befana also beats bad little kids with her broom. Which may explain why La Befana’s own child died. And the lazy like to claim that when she visits your home today, she uses her broom to sweep up the mess that you couldn’t be bothered with.

Regardless of the version you prefer, the Italian’s Christmas tale and its result of frightening little ones all over the world with the threat of finding a lump of coal in their stocking come Christmas morning is followed in most countries where Christmas is celebrated today. Except for in Scotland, whose people are known to be a bit on the thrifty side. There, rather than coal being the Christmas booby prize, it is a customary gift to hand out on New Year’s Day as they have convinced themselves it brings good luck and is not just about being a country full of cheap asses.

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