The only thing more dangerous than driving the streets of Bangkok is walking the streets of Bangkok. Because in all things size matters. And when you are a pedestrian, your stature looms small and you lose. Not that Bangkok drivers have anything against pedestrians mind you. The same rule of the road holds true between vehicles. The larger truck or car always has the right of way. And always wins. It’s a matter of physics. And not just because 99% of all drivers in Bangkok are guilty of DWA (Driving While Asian). Throw in the Buddhist belief that you’ll always get what’s coming to you – I may have paraphrased that tenet – and taking to the streets of the Big Mango on foot often means you’ll get to start on your next life sooner than you planned.

It’s not that the drivers in Bangkok are crazy. There is a logic to local rules of the road. It’s just Thai logic. So bigger always wins (‘cuz it does) and those lines they’ve painted on the roadways are handy for lining up with the ornament on your hood. Provided you are driving on the road ‘cuz sidewalks are good for vehicular traffic too. Especially when the road is packed and the sidewalk is clear. Or only has a small gaggle of pedestrians using it. Unless your vehicle is a tuk tuk. Then the sidewalk is always preferable. And whether you are using the road or sidewalk, regardless of the size of his vehicle Farang always lose too. ‘Cuz if he’s dumb enough to cause you to get in an accident, it’ll be his insurance that pays. Or his bank account. Same, same and who cares?

I’m pretty sure all of that is covered in the Thai driving test. Which you only have to take after you’ve reached the age of 18. Until then, you’re free to drive wherever, whenever, and however you choose. Unless your family is really rich. Then there is no need for you to ever take that test. Because you obviously own the roads and always have the right of way. It’s surprising more countries don’t adopt Thailand’s road rules. They just make life so much more simple. And then when you’re behind the wheel, instead of trying to remember a bunch of confusing traffic laws, you can spend your time admiring the collection of Buddha statues and good luck charms you’ve displayed on your dashboard.

It’s a shame pedestrians don’t have dashboards for good luck charms ‘cuz they could really use them.

But Thailand is becoming a happy place and progress dictates that the country pay lip-service to the idea of pedestrian safety just like they do in developed nations. So in an effort to rid the city of dead pedestrian bodies cluttering up the roadways and interfering with the free flow of traffic, the Bangkok Metropolitan Administration has devised a new warning system it hopes will makes Bangkok’s streets safer. That or someone in the Administration has a brother-in-law who owns a painting company. ‘Cuz they are now painting wild zig-zag lines on roadways near ‘problem crosswalks’ as a ‘traffic-calming’ measure. ‘Problem crosswalks’ by the way is Thai for crosswalks that boast a high body count. Kinda like having a ‘problem child’.

Suthon Anakul, Director of Traffic Engineering Office, says the new zig-zag lines will trick motorists into thinking the road has become narrower, which will cause them to slow down. Because everyone knows when the road narrows you need to slow up a bit while you look for a curb low enough to jump so you can use the sidewalk. But the obvious problem with lines on the road that zig-zag is that the only drivers who will be able to keep their vehicle’s hood ornament centered on those lines are taxi drivers whose reflexes have been amped up thanks to their yaba addiction.

Even more confusing, directional arrows are being painted in the middle of the zig-zag lines. And you know how alarming painted arrows on the street can be when they are pointed directly at you. Your best bet, obviously, will be to speed up and get past all that worthless graffiti before it causes an accident. But on the plus side, those arrows do remind you in which direction recently hit pedestrian bodies will usually be flying, so they aren’t a complete waste. Or wouldn’t be if they were visible. But all the flower garlands and Buddhist charms hanging from your rear view mirror obstruct that view. Which sounds like pretty good luck to me.

Fortunately, like all attempts to impose rules by the government instead of just going with what the collective Thai mind-set has agreed on, the freshly painted crosswalk warning signs, as well as the occasional dead body, will just be ignored by the majority of Bangkok drivers. At worse, just like when a police road check is set up, word will quickly spread and everyone will avoid driving in that area. The new measures won’t have much of an effect on the overall pedestrian body count, and the only bump that will be felt in traffic flow will be when a driver runs over a pedestrian who tempted fate and the will of the gods. Because as everyone knows, if pedestrians really mattered they’d be rich enough to own a car.