I’ve never attempted to disguise the fact that I’m an ass man. There are few things in nature as beautiful as a well-formed pair of buttocks. Male buttocks, obviously. Not just because I’m gay but because the female version look like a science experiment gone horribly wrong. I love male ass so much that I’m not even picky about which variety it is. Small, tight, glistening little globes are nice. As are fleshy bubble butts that just cry out to be used as a pillow. Rock-hard asses of pure muscle are just as attractive as boyishly cute butts that jiggle and bounce. They come in all sizes, shapes, and colors. And it’s all good. Even when tucked away and hidden behind a layer or two of fabric, a gorgeous male ass is still a thing of beauty.

If you ever needed proof that there is a god, a single quick glance of one man’s beautifully formed butt should do the trick. In fact, I’d go so far as to claim that God too is an ass man. If not, how can you explain those cute little dimples some guys have just above their buttocks that so perfectly frame their ass? Even the Latin word for ass, gluteus maximus, speaks to their regality. And while I’m not a fan of body hair and have been known to pass on an otherwise perfect specimen of manliness just because of the forest of hair he sports, when it comes to a gorgeous set of buttocks even hair doesn’t stop me from paying it the honor it’s due. Besides, it’s those instances that they created the disposable razor for. And a freshly shorn ass is your friend.

It will even smile at you in thanks.

It’s not that I don’t like dick too. In fact, I love dick. Just not as much as ass. If I were stranded on a desert island and could only choose to have either a dick or an ass marooned there with me, the choice would be an easy one to make. Even if that decision is more about use. I appreciate that some guys are total bottoms, it’s the yin to my yang that makes the world the wonderful thing that it is. I mean there’s no question of whether or not Tom Daley is a bottom. Just look at his ass. But how a man can see an ass of perfection and not want to tap that is beyond my capabilities of comprehension. There are male asses that were just made for hours of sweaty worship. And no man owning an ass of perfection isn’t at the very least versatile. Which is the gay male’s version of claiming to be bi.

Not that today’s post is just a slightly different format from my usual End Of The Week post, or simply an ode to male butt, mind you. It’s the end of 2014. And time for my annual Rear in Review post; a look back at the past twelve months from the perspective that I prefer: an ass shot. So while Ben Affleck’s penis made headlines this year, for me the real news was the incredible amount of male celebrity ass that was on display. And while there were plenty of politicians acting like silly asses, conservative pundits talking out of their ass, major storms that never quite turned out as they’d been cracked up to be, and several world leaders and entire countries having their asses handed to them on a platter – all of which dominated the news this past year – I think the major story of 2014 was the emergence of straight men learning the joy of having their salad tossed.

It started early in the year with twerking – which, despite a few misguided women’s attempts, is and always was a gay male thing. Just like disco. And then, ass play being what ass play is, it quickly progressed to famous men across the land admitting there’s nothing more that they enjoy than having a tongue in their ass (even though what never got mentioned but we all know to be true – that straight dudes love nothing more than having a finger slipped up their butt during sex – failed to make the headlines). What the news media also failed to note was that salad tossing coming out if its closet was thanks to and the flip-side of the gay equality movement. ‘Cuz now that we can marry it’s only fair that straight guys too finally learn just how much pleasure their ass can bring them. Not to mention that when you bed a curious one these days they are all that just more quicker to comply when you whisper, “Now turn over.” Bromances were all the rage in 2013. The appreciation of your buddy’s ass and what you could do for it and what it could do for you came to the forefront this past year. The Chinese got it wrong – 2014 wasn’t the Year of the Horse. 2014 was the Year of the Ass. If nothing else, the popularity of the male ass in 2014 should make you a believer in global warming. If you get my drift. ‘Cuz male ass was the hot issue in 2014.

So this year, with the male ass finally being put on the pedestal that it has always deserved – in my humble opinion – it was a bit unsettling to read the latest news coming out of New York. Not that yet another black man met his untimely death for being stopped by the police for a BWB (Breathing While Black) infraction, but that those same authorities are cracking down on a totally different I Can’t Breathe related issue. The powers that be in New York City are pulling out all the stops to call a halt to a practice that is quickly gaining wide-spread popularity on the city’s subway system: Man Spreading. You’d think that with 2014 being The Year of the Ass, man spreading would be about one of my favorite tricks men’s asses have learned over this past year. But instead it’s the flip-side to the male ass coin. It’s about heads instead of tails.

You can think of it as a version of the ice bucket challenge. But without the pretense of being about charity. And while no one has yet put up a FaceBook page to document the better offenses, daily New York subway passengers are being subjected to the sight of the perfect male crotch shot, replete with legs spread wide open. And despite the city’s attempt to put a close to this practice, it may well become the Tonya Harding of 2015. But in a good way.

The Metropolitan Transit Authority (MTA) announced in November that the New York City subway system would be launching a new campaign addressing “courtesy on public transportation” in January. This week the MTA unveiled a poster it will be using to tackle what it considers to be the most serious issue. The Authority claims man spreading is disrespectful, annoying, and those guilty of the offense take up too much room. One pundit even went so far to complain that guys sitting next to you with their legs spread wide look kind of ridiculous.

Uh, that’s because you’re doing it wrong. The vantage point is not next to him, it’s across the aisle. Where you get the full experience. It’s like getting an E-Ticket ride for the price of a subway token. And some of those guys need the extra room. Know what I mean, Vern?

As fond of the backside of men that I am, I don’t think that cracking down on man spreading is the way to go. You’d think that the recent poor results of authorities attempting to stop those things they don’t approve of would have sounded a warning. And putting up posters about how rude man spreading is will only encourage more guys to take part. Huh. So maybe those posters are a good idea after all. I’m not sure either that the past year’s interest in male ass is quite over yet either. That could easily spread into 2015 too. ‘Cuz there is still a lot of ass to go around, and a lot of ass-related pleasure for straight guys yet to discover. And combining the two will give us a new year to truly look forward too. Even if that means looking at a lot more backs.