You can falalalala your ass off decking the halls with balls of holly all ya want, but as strong of a desire of getting into the spirit of Christmas as you may have, please keep in mind that as a gay man you are supposed to be an arbiter of good taste. And even if your natural inclination isn’t a minimalist approach, less really can mean more. So maybe it’s time to donate your handcrafted angel collection to the Salvation Army. You know, the one that you think says Christmas and everyone else thinks says silly old queen. Ditto for your 500 piece collection of little baby Jesus statues. ‘Cuz that collection just reminds everyone of why you spend so much time in Sunee Plaza.

Yes, displaying your family’s collection of Collector Christmas Plates may be a holiday tradition handed down from your grandmother, but plates you are not supposed to ever eat off of are only appropriate when someone arrives at your party bearing fruitcake as a gift. Besides, as a gay man you are supposed to know a Collector Christmas Plate display clashes with your wall of black velvet oil Elvis paintings. To help keep you from common holiday decoration faux pas, here are a few things to avoid:

1. Rainbows.
You’re gay. We get that. But unless you live in a tropical clime, there ain’t no rainbows in December. Pride is one thing, taste is an entirely different matter. Granted, acquaintances and relatives who don’t know better think rainbow bearing holiday ornaments are the perfect gift for any gay man, but that’s why re-gifting was invented. And those pride ornaments are the perfect gift for the straight folk in your life. Nothing says ho, ho, ho like forcing them to hang a Santa leather man on their tree to prove they aren’t homophobic. But rainbow light displays, rainbow trees, and rainbow garland have been done to death. The rainbow holiday decoration theme doesn’t say pride, it says you lack originality. Save that shit for June and your local Pride Festival. Unless you were thinking of instead going with an unicorn theme for the holidays this year. Then it should be Judy Garland all the way.

2. Cheap, Giant inflatable Plastic Outdoor Displays.
Um, you did notice the word ‘plastic’ in that heading, right? Unless you really do need to announce to the world that you love shopping at Walmart, nix the idea of those jolly inflatable holiday character displays. You’re gay and there are better things for you to be blowing during the holidays. Not only are these things tacky to the extreme, but come the first strong wind those poor shepherds in your inflatable nativity scene are going to fall over and look like they’re having a threesome with the Virgin Mary, right in front of Joseph and the baby.

3. Glitter, Lace, Tulle.
And yes, I did need Google’s help in coming up with the word ‘tulle’. Just ‘cuz you’re gay doesn’t mean you have to decorate your home for the holidays like an old queen. The Arse Nick And Old Lace decorating theme may remind you of a yuletide of off-to-grandmother’s-house-we-go warmth, but there’s a reason Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer. And it wasn’t just so you could inherit her entire collection of Xmas decorations. Besides, all those lacy wreaths on your walls look more like holiday toilet seat covers. And glitter, by the way, is for children forced to use paste because they are too young to learn the joys of sniffing real glue. Didn’t Mariah Carey’s disastrous experience with Glitter teach you anything? Besides after making my way through the forest of rainbow-colored Xmas lights filling your yard, I’d like to be able to take off my sunglasses when I come inside.

4. Nutcrackers.
Seriously. You’re gay. We love our nuts. Remember? If you are a ballet buff, a tasteful Sugar Plum Fairy display on your mantle is the better way to go. Besides, those scary looking nutcrackers whose mouth is supposed to do the dirty are totally useless. Has anyone, ever, actually cracked a nut with one? Save your nut cracking for the trick you lined up for Christmas Eve.

5. Snowmen Penises. Or Xmas Light Penises.
There are better ways to come out to your block than an outdoor display that causes the neighborhood kids to ask their parents why that candy cane in your yard looks so funny. Besides, your giant penis Xmas light display probably already served that purpose. Not to mention all it takes is one day of slightly warmer weather and your snowman penis is gonna remind you of how much you blew on Viagra over the last year. Outdoor penis displays were the height of hilarity back when you were in college, but after 40 years maybe that’s a tradition you should think of retiring. At your age being a flasher is more appropriate than a flashing penis light display anyway.

6. Humongous Crosses Lit With Blinking, Multi-colored Lights. Even If You Only Use Pink Ones.
I realize that for some Christmas isn’t just about shopping and coming up with the perfect trick to do on Christmas Eve. Yes, the holiday too is about celebrating the birth of the baby Jesus. But your religious decorating theme that incorporates a humongous cross isn’t quite the festive reminder of that event that you thought it was. Know what I mean, Vern?

7. Santa Claus, Reindeer, Or Snowman Heads.
Hey, I enjoy a little head as much as the next guy, but nowhere in Deck The Halls does it say to do so with decapitations. On the other hand, if you commit to the holiday beheading theme fully, you’ll only have to suffer through entertaining your biological family and their brood of children at Christmastime once.

8. Any Cute Figurine That Comes To Life, Talks, Or Dances Every Time Something Moves Within Two Feet Of It.
Believe it or not, Santa dancing the Macarena isn’t quite the novelty you think it is. The Macarena is so 1994. Besides, your Billy The Big Mouth Bass wall plaque that sings Take Me To The River is a good enough joke for the entire year.

9. Stuffed Toys.
Plush toys – even if they are wearing a Santa hat – are a decorating mistake unless you’re under 10. And a general rule of thumb is that gay men should never engage in polygamous teddy bear relationships. That’s what real bears are for. You may have been collecting stuffed holiday animals for years, but do you really need visitors thinking, “Oh, someone has a hobby!” when they hit your house at Christmastime? And Old Man Fetish Had A Farm, E.I.E.I.O. is not a Christmas carol. You may think those stuffed Christmas teddy bears, snowmen, reindeer, and penguins are cute, but all that goes through my mind is, “Have the lambs stopped screaming yet Clarice?”

10. Smelly Christmas Scents.
Speaking of which, “It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again,” is not supposed to be your favorite quote from a holiday movie, and there’s nothing festive about artificial scents that smell like a urinal block in a public restroom. Unless you spend a lot of your holiday time in public restrooms. Just ‘cuz you found a bottle of peppermint scented body lotion at KMart doesn’t mean you should use it, and just because you were too cheap to buy a real tree doesn’t mean you should fill your home with Christmas Tree scented potpourri. That crap doesn’t smell like a tree, it smells like those tacky pine-scented cardboard trees straight dudes hang off their rearview mirror to disguise the smell of their farts from eating too many Doritos Locos Tacos from Taco Bell. If you really feel the need to accent your home for the holidays, invite an aging drag queen over – she’ll be wearing enough Chanel No. 5 to keep your home smelling well into the new year.

11. Anything You Bought Last Year At An After Xmas Sale.
Hello? There’s a reason that eight-foot tall glitter encrusted reindeer was still sitting on the shelf a week after Xmas. And that reason is probably because no one would buy the damn thing during last year’s after Xmas sale either. Yes, saving money is a good thing, but saving your self-pride and whatever dignity you may still have matters even more. Remember that the crap the stores are trying to dump at 90% off the day after Christmas is the same stuff your neighbors refused to buy when it was 75% off the day before Christmas. On the other hand, if your workplace does that stupid ‘Secret Santa’ gift thingy . . .

Holiday decor is a tricky thing even for a gay man. Personally, I think you ought to go balls-deep, or don’t bother going at all – deck the halls, the tree, and anything else that doesn’t have a pulse. But even then too much can be too much. You don’t want your home looking like Christmas came early, and a lot. And all over. So enjoy your holidays, but please decorate responsibly.