My annual visual pun salute to Black Friday has become a tradition around here, one that may very well out-live the actual event. Back in the mid-1970s, a few major retailers decided to capitalize on the day after Thanksgiving being the busiest shopping day of the year in America, and began offering too good to be true deals to entice those hordes into their establishments. Before you knew it, the battle for the 99 cent waffle iron swept the country. Because there’s no better way to kick off the Christmas holiday season than by inciting greed amongst the masses.

Black Friday became a huge event. Shopaholics anxiously lined up at stores in the early morning hours for a chance at scooping up low-priced, limited quantity sale items. And then, because Americans have a knack at taking a good thing and making it better, the annual bagging limit on Walmart shoppers was lifted and became part of the holiday tradition. From an opening door celebration stampede that left bloody bodies in its wake, to using a 99 cent waffle iron as a weapon to fend off other greedy shoppers, to realizing a taser gun beats out a 99 cent waffle iron every time, the race was on while the saner folk among us began enjoying the tradition of anxiously awaiting the first newscast of the day to report the death and mayhem in America’s shopping malls.

In 2011 Walmart broke the mold, decided injuries actually on Thanksgiving Day would be even better publicity, and began opening their stores’ doors on the holiday. This year more big box retailers than not are holding special Thanksgiving shopping hours. And those that are not have been busy plugging their Black Friday deals that last the entire week. In the world of retail, Christmas now starts in late August, and Black Friday begins on Monday. And minimum wage employees are not amused.

Because the one thing everyone seems to agree on is that Walmart is the Evil Empire, the media quickly spread the story of poor Walmart employees being forced to give up their Thanksgiving to instead participate in their employer’s version of the running of the bulls. Guess that’s what not finishing high school does for you. But that story was a bit suspect, even if it was not just FOX News reporting it. Because everyone knows Walmart employees can’t afford a turkey. Besides, there’s lots of folk who have to work on Thanksgiving. Back when I ran a large company that needed part of the staff to work the holiday the problem wasn’t in finding those willing to get paid time and a half and still get a substitute day off that week, but in deciding which of the huge number of volunteers were awarded that honor. ‘Cuz getting overtime while avoiding a day spent with your dysfunctional family is really something to celebrate.

Not that the plight of retail workers tugs at the heart strings of American shoppers. If anything their having to work on Thanksgiving seems appropriate as that’s the day of the year we’ve decreed death to turkeys anyway. And no one has ever shed a tear for those poor folk who have to blow up the balloons for Macy’s annual Thanksgiving Day parade. Nor for the college kids who have to play football for the nation’s amusement on Thanksgiving. And they get paid even less than Walmart employees. It’s not the end of the world. Besides, this year those in Denver can put things right by stopping on their way to work at The Grass Station, a shop specializing in weed where they are honoring Black Friday with $1 joints and ounces for $50, an 80% discount. Huh. Walmart could mitigate the number of injured shoppers in their stores on Black Friday by passing a few joints around a half hour before opening their doors.

The citizens of Colorado, Oregon, and Washington may be too stoned to have noticed, but Black Friday is quickly becoming a thing of the past. Thanks to Walmart it’s now the other white meat served on Thanksgiving. These days it starts a week before it used to, spans a two-week long run, and gets lost in the muddle of Small Business Saturday and Cyber Monday. And that’s no way to celebrate American greed. My fellow Americans need to band together and call a halt to the bulging waistline of Black Friday, to put a stop to its spreading mass, to call a time-out on un-notching its belt to allow for capitalistic growth. Because that’s how we celebrate Thanksgiving, damnit. And being the trend setters that we are, if we don’t curtail our Black Friday celebration, those damn Brits will soon be celebrating Boxing Day all the way into January.

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