Happy Spirit Day!

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Spirit Day?
Seriously?
I get National Coming Out Day. ‘Cuz as a nation the U.S. really does need to come out. What little does get accomplished in DC is thanks to closeted, gay staffers. And anyone who chooses a career that requires them to spend all of their time around nothing but other men, well the military is basically run by closeted gay men too. That’s why the Navy was invented. And that’s not even counting the lesbians. But Spirit Day sounds like some hokey high school event that pits the classes against each other, a day of the school year that only matters to cheerleaders and their pompoms. Spirit Day does not sound like it has anything to do with feathered boas. And yet the gay infosphere is holding its collective breath in anticipation for this year’s Spirit Day celebrations. So I thought I should find out just what Spirit Day is supposed to be all about.

Huh. You celebrate Spirit Day by wearing purple. Which makes little sense until you discover the holiday comes out of Canada. Which still makes little sense, but when you share your continent with a bunch of people who insist on speaking French, it’s just better to humor them. Besides, you never know when you’ll be traveling internationally and it’ll be safer to pretend you are Canadian, eh?

Purple is the color of Spirit Day because the purple stripe in the rainbow flag represents spirit, although I don’t remember any of us voting on that issue. The observance and wearing of purple is supposed to show your support for LGBT youth who are victims of bullying. I’m not sure what spirit and being bullied have to do with each other. Maybe red would have been a better color selection. And while I’m all in favor of supporting our LGBT youth, I’m not so sure that taking a stand against bullying is the right way to go.

Bullying is a part of growing up. If you are not being bullied for being gay, then you are for being fat. Or skinny. Or wearing glasses. Or having the wrong hair style. Or wearing last year’s popular style of Nikes. Or only carrying an iPhone 5. Even the bullies get bullied. That’s what high school is all about: Making friends and then finding out those friends talk stink-eye about you behind your back. It helps you prepare for life in the workplace. Or Congress. And gives you a reason to return for your 20th year class reunion when you can laugh at all the kids who bullied you because their life is crap and you are rich and successful. When it comes to bullying, there is nothing so sweet as revenge, a dish we all know is best served cold. Besides, if it weren’t for bullies we wouldn’t have the wedgie.

But as enlightened adults we are supposed to be against bullying when we all know children are vicious creatures who would eat their own mothers if they could figure out how to work the microwave oven. Bullying is the least of their sociopathic problems. We are supposed to be anti-bullying but picking on those different from us and/or who rate lower on the social scale is part of human nature. I’m sure even Mother Teresa bullied those who were not as saintly as she was. Hell, even Martha Stewart just bullied Gwyneth Paltrow for being a fan of ‘consciously uncoupling’. ‘Cuz Martha knows when it comes to being a bully, knowing how to throw shade is what counts. And no one throws shade better than The Gays.

You can wear all the purple you want, and pass all of the anti-bullying legislation you can garner support for, but you will never stop teenagers from bullying each other. That’s part of the fun of being young. Just like drinking booze ’til you puke. Which your friends will all remind you of for years to come because friends bully friends too. I think we’d better support our LGBT youth by teaching them how to use witty barbs and snark to eviscerate those who pick on them. It could be the gay version of Big Brothers and Big Sisters. ‘Cuz middle-aged drag queens reign supreme and have lots of nastiness to teach our young. Now that she is dead, Joan Rivers is being called a gay icon and everyone is quick to point out as rude, crude, and abrasive as her humor was, she never picked on The Gays. Joan wasn’t stupid. She knew that any gay man on the planet could out dis her with one limp wrist tied behind his back. Now that’s spirit. Bitch.

Being gay is cool these days. Gay boys are being elected home coming queen across the nation. You can’t have a hit show on television these days unless some of your characters are gay. And if your program is on cable, it had better be homoerotic too. So guess who gets to be the bully now? If you don’t know, just ask the right-wing conservative fundamentalist nut wings. They are begging for exemptions based on ‘religious’ principles from every gay rights related piece of legislation and/or judicial decision because suddenly they are in the minority. And it’s time we all make fun of them for their ridiculous claims that Jesus says they should be haters. Just like the voters of America have been doing. We don’t need anti-bullying legislation, we need to bring back the days of having a pillory on the town square so we can throw spoiled fruit at those who deserve to be bullied for being assholes. Like Sarah Palin. It’s payback time and we need to toughen up our LGBT youth so they have the stuff it takes to properly bully deserving souls.

We should not be attempting to protect our LGBT youth by being against bullying, we should be raising money to send them all to MMA training camp. ‘Cuz playing the victim card never gets you anywhere. Judy Garland may have been an appropriate gay icon in days gone by, but for today’s LGBT youth the role model should be Larry Kramer. That man has never been a victim. He eats victims for breakfast, preferably straight ones. Our cherished idols of victimhood need to be replaced with heroes who have balls. Like Karen Walker from Will & Grace. ‘Cuz a well placed spiked heel on someone’s testicles says don’t fuck with me better than any piece of anti-bullying legislation ever will.

Sorry, but Spirit Day sends the wrong message. The It Gets Better Campaign was on a better track. Because it does get better. And it is getting better daily. If you want to show your support for LGBT youth, be an example of just how good it can get. Sue the homophobic baker who won’t make your wedding cake and take every penny they have or will ever have. Demand that any business leader who makes an anti-gay remark be immediately fired. Help get out the vote to run every Tea Party hater out of Congress. Refuse to do business with any company who fails to extend the same rights to its gay employees as it does to its straight ones. That’s bullying I can get behind. Stand up for your rights, and stand proudly. And for the gods’ sake, open that damn closet door. If you want to support our LGBT youth you need to be counted too. The more of us that are visible, the merrier the world will be. Because we’re here, we’re queer, and we run this country damnit.