Today is Celebrate Bisexuality Day in the U.S.(no, really) and even though you’d think they would schedule that observance for April 1st, we all need to do our part on behalf of the indecisive by doing a bisexual today. ‘Cuz National Coming Out Day is just around the corner.

Bisexuals are the initial in the LGBT rainbow who are the most misunderstood. Well, okay, the Ts are the most understood but then few want to contemplate just what being a chick with a dick really means. On the other hand, everyone likes to think about the bi boys ‘cuz that often means virgin ass. Some claim that bisexuals actually exist, others that it’s a cop out for gay boys who haven’t yet manned up enough to admit to being gay. Like Tom Daley was for a very brief period of time. Others say everyone is a bisexual, it all just depends on the right time and/or the right guy. Which is what going to college is all about. Those who are claim the rest of us are just jealous because they have the best of both worlds. But since one of those worlds includes fish, obviously they don’t know the difference between their ass and a hole in the ground. Although at least they seem to know what their ass is for.

While there may be some men who truly can’t make up their mind, for many it’s just that bisexual is an easier label to use until they grow a pair. Which seems to happen in their mid-thirties according to data compiled by the internet dating site OkCupid and published on their dating research blog OkTrends. The site, which compiles statistics from hundreds of millions of OkCupid user interactions to track trends and observations, found that people who describe themselves as bisexual overwhelmingly message either one sex or the other, not both as you might expect. In fact, 80% of their self-identified bisexual users are only interested in one gender. And that gender is dick.

OkTrends notes that prior to gathering the data shown in these two charts they did not assume that bisexuals would be into both genders equally. Their initial assumption was that the B folk would be into both genders to some degree. However, the data showed that the majority who claimed to be bisexual only were interested in one gender. Which kinda misses the whole point of being bi. Their conclusion was that bisexuality is often either a hedge for gay people or a label adopted by straights to appear more sexually adventurous to their straight matches.

In the graphic above, for those of you who are chart reading impaired, the red and blue sections represent bisexuals who message only one gender. The purple area are those who send any messages, in whatever proportion, to both men and women. And since you know some of those were message from Nigeria requesting help in withdrawing a large sum of money tied up in a bank account there, you can assume the true bisexual numbers are even lower.

Some say bisexuals are just ambivalent about their sexual partner’s gender, others that they are confused, curious, or lying their asses off. But numbers don’t lie, even if those who claim to be bisexual do. And freshly minted gay boys who like to claim they enjoy having sex with both men and women lie the most. Because when push comes to shove what they really want is the pushing and shoving of dick.

In the chart above, OkTrends took the same data they used in the first chart and broke the numbers down by age. This chart shows that throughout their teens and twenties, the male bisexual population is mostly observably gay men (they claimed to be bi but messaged only other men). This trend peters out (pun intended) by their mid-thirties when, it appears, these men are more comfortable self-identifying as gay; their numbers drop off because they no longer self-identify as bisexual but instead tell the truth in their profiles: they are a gay man. And as they age, as shown by the end of this chart, the confused bisexuals dwindle greatly in number. And those left are all probably guys who go to Thailand to hang out at the ladyboy bars in Nana. Meanwhile, the proportion of men who message both women and other men holds fairly steady regardless of age.

So yes, Virginia, there is such a thing as a bisexual. You just need to catch them young ‘cuz their dual sexuality lasts about as long as a politician’s promise; by a certain age, consciousness of one’s sexuality is no longer an elective study.

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