Two days ago I posted an article about the horror of having to watch the World Cup matches while in Bangkok and how that will impact my sex life while there. Fleeing to the safety of a neighboring country where those games will not be televised was, and is, my answer. But I also planned holding in reserve that only 22 matches would be shown for free and that there may have been a chance none, or very few, of those games would occur during my visit. Well, Plan B just got blown out of the water; General Prayuth Chan-ocha, currently the man running the country, has convinced the National Broadcasting and Telecommunications Commission to show all 64 games for free to promote his motto of “Bringing happiness back to Thai people”. The Bastard. Since the games that originally were only being shown on a pay-for-view basis will run on Channel 5, the army’s television channel, I’m not sure how happy those Thais who don’t support the coup will be. In any case, it’s obvious General Prayuth isn’t skilled in the English language or he’d realize you can’t say happiness without saying penis. And from recent reports Prayuth is doing everything he can to make sure my penis isn’t a happy one.

I wasn’t in the least bit concerned about the raid staged in Sunee Plaza last week. For obvious reasons. Sunee Plaza Mayor Jabba The Butt says that bust was not about underage sex (this time) despite bar boys’ ID’s being checked (I’m sure as is Jabba that had a boy’s ID shown he was only 15 it would have been ignored since that wasn’t the purpose of the raid). Supposedly the authorities swooped down on Sunee to combat yaba use. But in light of more recent events it would appear that raid was just another attempt by General Prayuth to send a message. And that message is when it comes to farang penis, the good general is not a fan.

Since then the military has made its presence known in the upstairs bars of Patpong. And for obvious reasons again, that bit of news didn’t concern me either. It was however interesting that those visits were obstinately supposed to be directed toward the rep upstairs bars have for gouging touri with inflated check bin tallies. The junta has also announced it is cracking down on taxi drivers who overcharge or refuse to use their meter, and on the jet ski scam operators down Pattaya way. All good news I’m sure. But my penis doesn’t care.

But now the word is the military has told the bar owners on Soi Twilight that naked bar boys and sex shows are prohibited; the junta’s Cock of the Walk has declared the time-honored tradition of the Big Cock Show verboten. And my penis is suggesting we visit Brazil instead.

It’s not that I haven’t visited Bangkok when bar boys weren’t allowed to show their goods in the past. When the Red Shirt’s champion was in power there were many fleshless nights along Soi Twilight. Some bars kept their boys covered, some just kept coverings close at hand in case the authorities paid a visit. Sex shows were curtailed then too. And to be honest with you not getting to watch some little queen getting plowed while acting like having a dick in his ass is something unusual has never been all that erotic to me anyway. Especially when said queen decides to use your lap as a stage in an effort to earn 20 baht. So there is a silver lining to General Prayuth’s dark little cloud of prudeness. But I’d still like to see those dark little penises of the boys on stage.

It doesn’t help that the curfew is still the law of the land in Bangkok. But the bars have compensated by opening a bit earlier and/or ignoring the hour they are supposed to close. I can live with that. That still provides several hours of prime penis viewing time. And if unlike me you don’t already have a penis picked out to spend the night with, that still allows you ample opportunity to choose your favorite penis on the soi. Or did. Now with General Prayuth’s penis prohibition, at best you can hope the package promised by seeing a bar boy in his underwear lives up to your expectations once you get back to your hotel room. Which isn’t guaranteed. Nor is that that penis won’t be sporting a fang muk or two. Or three. Or four.

It’s nice that General Prayuth is trying to stamp out corruption and put a stop to a few of the better known tourist scams. But I don’t see the difference between a straight tourist being overcharged at an upstairs bar in Patpong and a gay tourist being short changed because he didn’t get to see what he was buying before a deal was struck. The bars are already suffering thanks to the coup, the curfew, and slow season. And General Prayuth should know his people well enough to realize the main way of “Bringing happiness back to Thai people” is by filling their pockets with baht. In that light, instead of banning nudity the junta should be encouraging it. ‘Cuz nothing make farang touri drop the bucks like naked bodies on display. It’d be good for the Thai people. And that would make my penis happy too.

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