I have, over the years, relied heavily on white space to define my relationship with Noom, my bar boy friend (blah, blah, blah). You’ll note I just did it again. There is a gap between the word boy and friend, in fact the boy part of that phrase goes with the word bar, not with the word friend. It is a tiny amount of white space. Some would say it’s an unnecessary bit of white space too. What we share includes many of the hallmarks of a traditional boyfriend relationship. There’s love, respect, concern for the other’s well-being and happiness, and a commitment that binds that two of us together. But there is also distance, long periods of not being together, no pretense of exclusivity, and a financial basis that transcends the normal boyfriend paradigm. Noom is a bar boy. Who also happens to be my friend. One whom I love deeply. In what we share, that white space doesn’t matter. It has no effect on our relationship. But then neither of us is deluded enough to consider the other his boyfriend. The word without the white space. Perhaps, that Noom consider himself straight has something to do with that.

That’s the problem with attempting to use well-defined words borrowed from traditional relationships, with using labels that everyone knows the meaning of to describe what is not traditional. For example, with same-sex marriage becoming the law of the land, wife and husband are still used for lack of better terms though, “I now pronounce you husband and husband,” just doesn’t sound right. Maybe we’ll grow into it. Or maybe someone will coin a better set of words to use. So far there’s not much better to choose from. Partner is popular but doesn’t quite do it because that word has its own meaning outside of same-sex relationships. And that meaning does not adequately describe what that relationship is.

Life-partner is a bit better, but doesn’t quite equate to the traditional use of husband or wife. And the whole point of legalizing same-sex marriage is one of equality. It’s not just that referring to your same-sex spouse as your husband sounds off, but the concept is still new enough that far too many then pair up your role in that relationship with the word wife. At some point the well-meaning but clueless will quit wondering who is the man and who is the woman in a same-sex marriage, but until they do perhaps husband and wife should be left to what they do understand. But that’s the problem with labels. They don’t always mean the same thing to different people.

You’d think straight, gay, and bisexual would be pretty definitive labels to express someone’s sexuality. And they are. At least until the sex part of the equation comes into play. There are those who are 100% straight – guys for example who have never had any form of sexual experience with another man, not even in their dreams or wildest fantasies. At least I’ve heard rumors of those guys existing. There are also gay men who have never seen a vagina. And who shudder at the thought of ever doing so. But there is a much larger pool of men who have had, or do have, sex with both genders. Which should be the definition of a bisexual. But most of those guys self-identify as either straight or gay instead. So where do you draw the line? By quantity? Preference? The easy answer is to claim you don’t believe in using labels. But everybody does.

Noom considers himself to be straight. Even though he’s had sex with more men than he has with women. (Technically, he considers himself to be a ‘man’ rather than ‘straight’, which is more about positioning than preference.) So in Thailand it’s not just the label but the translation too. Noom does not consider either of us to be gay. But at the same time when attempting to describe someone else’s sexuality – no matter how gay they may be – he’ll often use the phrase “like us”. That works because we both know what he means. Kinda sorta. But if you asked him if we are boyfriends, he’d laugh. I think that’s because in his mind and by his translation men can’t be boyfriends. Which is fine with me ‘cuz the important thing is not what he calls me but that he lubs me.

But then I don’t use the word boyfriend to describe Noom either. ‘Current love of my life’ works well, boyfriend not so much. It’s not that I love him any less than I would someone I’d use the boyfriend tag toward, but in a traditional sense what we share doesn’t quite qualify. There is commitment, but it’s transactional. There is a relationship, but it’s . . . well, seasonal at best. And while I have plenty of arguments and justifications to cover the financial aspects of our relationship, the fact is you do not normally have to pay your boyfriend’s employer to spend time with him.

I’m not alone in dealing with the boyfriend conundrum. The boyfriend or not a boyfriend debate is a perennial favorite on the gay Thailand message boards. As is how much you should pay them, whether they are your short-time boyfriend or long-time boyfriend. Some use the term to describe the guy they offed the night before, others bristle when boyfriend is used for any guy who ever worked in a bar. There are those who claim they have a boyfriend in Thailand, even though they only see him for a few weeks out of the year, and those who feel they have more of a right to the word ‘cuz their boyfriend lives with them, even though he’s still a paid companion. Boyfriend may only be a label, but it seems to have a strong connotation for many.

As a word to describe a guy you are in a relationship with, boyfriend would appear to be a fairly well-defined label. With the caveat that there’s a good chance in any given relationship one of the two participants will begin thinking in terms of that label before the other one does. If at all. It’s even possible that boyfriend and misguided should be synonymous. At least at times. Still, everyone assumes they know the meaning of the word, that they know just what that label represents. Which is all well and good until you delve into a relationship that is not a traditional one, a is the case with most Farang / Thai relationships. Especially those that started out in a gogo bar.

But surprisingly, the question of the validity in using the word boyfriend to describe the bar boy you fell in love with may be much to do about nothing. Merriam-Webster defines boyfriend as: a man that someone is having a romantic or sexual relationship with; a male friend; and, or a frequent or regular male companion in a romantic or sexual relationship. All of which describes the bar boy / farang relationship. Wisely, the dictionary does not consider distance or finances as a necessary consideration in defining that word. But does, in a rather lengthy list of synonyms, include both gigolo and escort.

Wikipedia says a boyfriend is a regular male companion in a romantic and/or sexual relationship. And then goes on to specify that this is normally a short-term committed relationship, where other titles (e.g. husband, partner) are more commonly used for long-term committed relationships. Wikipedia also covers synonyms for the word – at least as a heading – but only list four. The first of which reads: “An older man may be referred to as a sugar daddy, a well-to-do man who financially supports or lavishly spends on a mistress, girlfriend, or boyfriend.” So according to Wikipedia your bar boy may be your boyfriend, but as an older man you are a sugar daddy and not his boyfriend. Provided that you are at least in a committed relationship. Though to many on the gay Thailand forums, if you are in such a relationship then you should probably be committed.

The Urban Dictionary too seems to allow for the non-traditional farang / bar boy relationship to be considered appropriate traditional boyfriend material by defining the word as “The nice guy you settle for when you realize that the hot bad boys you fall for are just manwhores who make you cry as often as they make you come.” So even the bar boy who done you wrong version of a boyfriend is covered and acknowledged. Which should make a lot of unhappy sexpats quite happy.

Despite official definitions of the word seeming appropriate for use to describe your bar boy boyfriend, on the forums the debate rages on. There are those who believe because those relationships tend to have a basis in money that you should not use the word boyfriend. And there are those who feel calling the guy you paid to have sex with you your boyfriend, even when you don’t know his real name, is just fine and dandy. Some punters quite a while back coined the term Boy Special – abbreviated as BS – as a happy medium to allow for the idea of a boyfriend to exist while acknowledging that, at least in the traditional sense, he probably doesn’t qualify as a boyfriend. Personally I’ve never been fond of that label as in my mind it signifies one of many, as in when you hit Thailand you go out and have sex with a variety of guys but there is one you like better than the rest. Which is more about having a lucky number than having a boyfriend.

Hollywood toned down FB from its original meaning of Fuck Buddy to the more PG-acceptable Friends With Benefits even though that F still implies the same. A good fuck buddy would never be confused with a boyfriend but it is a label that comes closer to what many Farang / Thai bar boy relationships are really about. And while I wasn’t happy when the PC version, Friends With Benefits, became the standard, that label is probably an even better one to use for those relationships. It acknowledges that there is a friendship beyond just the bar boy / customer relationship while accounting for the benefit of sex (for the farang) and of baht (for the bar boy). It may not be the most romantic of terms, but then romance and great sex have never mixed well anyway. And as long as we’re attempting to be honest here, the latter will always rate higher than the former. Unless you have a vagina.

But then if you are going to be truly honest, and feel that using boyfriend is too contentious, that BS is too inadequate, and FB too rude, the better designation would be TS, which you can consider to mean Thai Sweetheart, Temporary Squeeze, or Transactional Soul Mate. But it stands for Time-Share. Viewing the typical farang on holiday / Thai money boy relationship as you would a time-share condominium makes sense. Neither is necessarily a good investment, both are usually entered into on the lure of false promises – you should never trust the word of a mamasan or a time-share salesperson. The bar boy / farang relationship and time-share ownership scheme are both holiday affairs. And if you were serious about either, you’d make an outright purchase instead.

The joy of time-share ownership is that it’s all yours. At least while you are in town. When you hop onto the plane for home some other vacationer takes your place. Just like with your Thai boyfriend. And while you are away, even though you are not enjoying the benefits in person, you are still on the hook for maintenance fees. It’s a step above renting: there is commitment, there are obligations, and a sense of permanency even if it is for only two weeks out of the year. You can wax nostalgically about that great condo on the beach when you are suffering through winter at home, without having to actually worry about its upkeep. But when you return it’s sitting there waiting for you just as you left it. Or him.

Whether it is a deed to an occasional use of property in which you actually own nothing but air, or a deed to an occasional use of a Thai guy’s heart in which you actually own nothing, there’s still pride of ownership without the hassle of daily upkeep. And when thing go to hell, with either you’ll feel fully justified in ranting and raving about what a sucker your were, what a scam that entire fiasco was, and how badly you were taken advantage of. There’s a good chance if you bought into a place in Pattaya you’ll even have a convenient balcony to bring either to their foregone conclusion.

Much like your ‘second home’ in Hawaii, you can brag about your TS to all of your friends back home, overinflating what that relationship is just like you overinflate what your ownership in a time-share condominium really amounts to. And when either begins to show a bit of wear, upgrading to a newer TS, or floor plan, is a breeze. The beauty of a TS, for those who want their cake but want to eat it too, is that there is nothing preventing you from taking a night or two off to stay at some other property. Plus, unless you bought into a low end development, at Xmas time you’ll get a nice card from both your TS and time-share association. Because they lub you.

Granted, it may take a while for TS to gain wide acceptance for designating what used to be inappropriately called a boyfriend, but I think you’ll agree it’s the best term to use. It won’t offend those prone to throwing a hissy fit when your non-traditional relationship sullies the sanctity of their equally non-traditional relationship. It keeps you from calling something special that really is not. And it avoids using profanity to describe your profane acts. Best yet, if (and when) TS becomes the acceptable term to use, there’s a chance all that money you’ve been spending to keep your relationship going may qualify as a tax deduction. And if that ain’t love I don’t know what is.

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