You’d think life couldn’t get much better than combining two of my favorite things in the world (little hottie gay Olympic divers and the Land of Smiles). You’d think that even by throwing in a totally unnecessary fish with pretensions of being a fag hag, it’d still be impossible to ruin that orgiastic stew. Add a dash of ladyboy, a happy ending massage shop, a wild and crazy drug-filled full moon party, and said little hottie gay Olympic diver bottoming on camera, and you’d think you were in for a gay ol’ time. Well thanks to Tom Daley Goes Global, a new British television series that documents Tom’s attempt at taking a backpacking trip through exotic foreign locales, what you end up thinking is that Here Comes Honey Boo Boo must not air in the UK because the bottom of the pit known as reality television has already been discovered. But hey, it coulda been worse. They could have booked Tom to guest star on an episode of Duck Dynasty.

Forget backpackers. It’s the world’s divas who are Thailand’s latest draw, with Tom the most recent to join the ranks of Rihanna and the Kardashians in enjoying the exotic landscape of everybody’s favorite SE Asian country. Tom has taken six weeks out of his hectic diving schedule of not winning competitions for what is being billed as “a life-changing experience that will see the diver as he’s never been seen before – roughing it in hostels, sleeping on night trains, and making new friends” ‘Cuz he wants to be like any other teenager. Even though technically, he’s a year late. So like any other almost still a teenager, Tom has packed his bag, his hag, his producer, his production assistants, his cameramen, his soundmen, his lighting crew, his makeup and wardrobe crew, his craft services people, and his production scouts, to head off into the wilds where he’ll “have to navigate everything by himself.” Shame he didn’t have room in his bag for his speedo.

Considering the large map Tom and his BFF Sophie Lee use to accomplish that feat, you have to wonder how Tom ever manages to navigate his way to the end of a diving platform. And why Tom has never heard of GPS. Or Grindr for that matter.

Tom says, “Normally when I go away I just get to see the diving boards and the hotel.” If only we were that lucky. Instead we get to see Tom do a handstand (clothed), Tom getting a fake tat of a neon frog while he worries, “Do you think I’ll get Hepatitis B?’ Or C, or A?” Tom not squealing quite as loudly as Sophie when they encounter a spider in their roughing-it tree house accommodations (which they abandon in favor of a 4-star hotel just as all other teenage backpackers do), Tom looking a bit queasy on a speedboat ride before falling asleep, and – in the episode’s cumulative moment – Tom allowing yet another older man to mount his backside – this time as he jumps out of a plane – an exhilarating experience Tom sums up by mentioning that it gave him a wedgie. And some chafing.

What we don’t get to see is much of Thailand. Though those familiar with the country may notice a few familiar spots. Not Soi 4, Soi Twilight, G.O.D., or any other Bangkok institution where you’d expect a freshly minted gay boy would hang out while in the Big Mango, mind you. But Tom did get to meet his ‘first’ ladyboy (so I guess diving with Kristian Ipsen didn’t count). Which he was “thrilled” with. And he did follow “a group of tourists into a side street shop offering rubdowns” and “went bright red” when he realized it “looked like an orgy in there.”

A: I’ve never walked into a massage shop in Bangkok where an orgy was going on, so name and address please! Enquiring minds want to know. And, B: if what Tom encountered in that massage shop looked like an orgy to him, then Dustin Lance Black has been failing miserably at his job of being a mentor. Not to mention C: ya gotta assume when Tom walks into the locker room at a diving competition it must look like an orgy to him too. Which would make for much better television than Tom Daley Goes Global does.

Oh. And there was some dramatic weather going on too.

Now the less generously inclined might say that Tom’s most recent entry into reality television is nothing more than the next step as he transitions from Olympic diver into publicity whore. But unlike his previous stint on the boob tube, this time it is for a worthy cause. Tom has taken to backpacking for the enjoyment of the masses to raise awareness and funds for Brain Tumour Charity in memory of his late father. I’ve not yet heard how much money Tom has raised, but I’m betting it is nowhere near what he could have raised by selling personalized, autographed naked selfies of himself. Or even of just his butt. Because the one thing lacking in Tom Daley Goes Global (okay, so one of many things) is what has made Tom famous: that tight little buffed body of his. And his butt.

And there, as they say, (his undocumented on camera massage shop visit notwithstanding) is the rub. There’s a reason it’s called eye candy. As well as why eye candy, like children, are best seen and not heard. When Tom wears more than a size or two too small speedo, he looks like any other almost still a teenager. Well, any other gay British teenager wannabe. And when he opens his mouth, unfortunately, he sounds like one too. Which there is nothing wrong with. But it’s not worthy of six hours of television coverage either. And even less worthy of the behind-the-scenes accompanying internet series Tom Talks. ‘Cuz talking is not what Tom does best. As I’m sure Dustin Lance Black would agree.

On the plus side, Tom doesn’t come off as pretentious a Rhi Rhi did during her trip to Thailand. And since he didn’t visit the gogo bars on Soi Twilight (at least not on camera) the local authorities didn’t have to act all surprised about what goes on there and stage a temporary crackdown to let the world know that Thailand and sex tourism are not synonymous. And watching Tom sashay down Khaosan Road is preferable to watching the Kardashian clan put their own stamp of sluttiness on the country as they did on their recent visit. Though I kinda thought the whole reason for that trip was so that Bruce Jenner could get his longed-for sex change operation. And at least after tracking down and then sitting through a viewing of the first episode of Tom Daley Goes Global, there’s no good reason to tune in again to see what Tom does to Japan. Or New Zealand.

Still, you’d think TAT would put a halt to these celebrity visits. They can not be good for tourism and seldom show the country in a positive light. Another coup or two would be less damaging than having the Kardashians show you what Thailand is all about. But then considering what Justin Bieber did to the Great Wall of China, things could be worse.

It’s a shame that now that Tom has decided he is in fact a gay man and no longer “fancies girls’ that his new television series is not a vehicle that explores what that new-found sexuality means in his life. But then it’s also a shame that he didn’t take Dan Osborne on his holiday with him instead of the fish. With Thailand considered to be one of the top destinations in the world for gay men, it would have seemed to be a natural to follow Tom as he explored the Land of Smiles as a gay man instead of as a D-list celebrity. But that, evidently, was still too unnatural for the British viewing public.

I do hope, however, that Tom got to let the little gay boy inside of him soar when his camera crew retired for the night, and got to experience the wonders of Bangkok as a gay man. Any one of the boys at Tawan could have set him straight on what that means. And then he could have gotten back to practicing on the diving board so that when he hits Rio he’s not just the flash-in-the-pan, yesterday’s news that he’s headed toward being. “Cuz the way his diving career is going lately, there’s a Pattaya in Tom’s future. And that’s not how Tommy should be doing Thailand.

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