Try navigating through Patpong’s night market without being assaulted by a barker for one of the soi’s numerous girl gogo bars. It’s an impossible feat. Doesn’t matter who you are, the come-ons will still keep coming on. Young or old, visibly gay, obviously paired with a woman, pushing a stroller filled with a gaggle of kids, the barkers are still gonna whisper sweet enticements in your ear. Morally straightlaced visitors are offended, but the barkers don’t mind. They know it’s hard to resist the siren’s song of “pussy blows balloon.”

Patpong’s night market is filled with things that go bump – and grind – in the night. Just steps away from displays of knock-off Hello Kitty merchandise, Hello Pussy rules the night. The locals have made an industry out of simple, boring tasks most humans endure every day, only done by vagina. Ever since the first pussy discovered the joy of playing with a ping pong ball, the roster of foreign objects guaranteed to delight the crowds when accompanied by female genitalia has grown. And become legend. And the Thais want you to know about it.

Even Madison Avenue knows that sex sells. On Patpong 1 they’ve refined that thought by boiling it down to it basics. In Bangkok’s red light district sex not only sells, it’s for sale too. Everywhere you try not to look. The major guide books for unsuspecting touri give Patpong equal billing with the Grand Palace. It’s one of the few naughty nightlife areas in the world recommended by Frommer’s and Fodor’s alike, billed as a must-see night market with a minute bit of lip service paid to the prostitution that made the city’s nightlife district famous.

The result is an often packed soi filled with families and church-going couples perusing the latest in pirated goods, usually displayed right alongside the latest boner wonder pill, with both forms of merchandise guaranteed to work equally as well. And last about as long too. But just in case you didn’t notice those displays of dildos, vibrators, and other plastic phallic forms of every size, shape, and color that you just strolled past, the barkers are there to remind you that business as usual in Patpong always comes back to pussy. And ping pong balls.

How Patpong maintains its world-wide allure is beyond me. Like the prostitutes that fill its gogo bars, the district is big on promises, but seldom delivers a happy ending. Its market is filled with overpriced, shoddy merchandise as counterfeit as the love being sold in its bars. And whatever you are buying there is available elsewhere in town at half the price. It rides on its reputation for being ‘dirty’, but only manages to obtain a state of being filthy. As red light districts go, it feels pretty tame. As a place filled with pleasure palaces goes, it comes off pretty lame with it dark and dingy bars filled with sad, unclean women performing sad, unclean acts. The guidebooks warn potential punters away from its notorious upstairs bars and their well-known predilection for ripping off the unwary, while conveniently forgetting to mention that anytime your hand reaches for your wallet in Patpong, you’re gonna get fucked. Unless that’s what you thought you were paying for.

Patpong is not a place any self-respecting gay man would ever visit. The stench of the desperate, lonely heterosexuals downing copious amounts of cheap beer while they work up the nerve to go see what ‘pussy cut banana’ is all about alone is enough to put you off your feed. Sure Patpong 1 is the quickest path between Saladang BTS and Soi Twilight (even though we all know it really isn’t). And yes, its night market is the best place in town to pick up a shirt with a life-sized polo horse emblazoned across its front (even though the very idea of actually wearing one of those fashion monstrosities in public is enough to make you start wondering if your life is not complete if you haven’t seen ‘pussy blowing candle’). But with a plethora of vagina and not a dick in sight, Patpong just doesn’t fit the bill. Until your enquiring mind wants to know if the ‘pussy smoke cigarette’ is the same ‘pussy write letter’ and if so, how does it know which instrument just inserted is which and what it’s suppose to do. Which also begs the question, why isn’t there a ‘pussy blow trumpet’? Are Thai pussies not musically inclined?

Not being a fan of vagina, I’m not really sure what qualifies a pussy for billing as a super pussy. If like with the genitalia I’m familiar with, it’s a matter of size, that’s not somewhere I really want to go. But you can only have a card proclaiming ‘pussy open bottle’ thrust in your face so many times before you begin to wonder if they’ve actually, finally, found a good use for pussy. The gods know I’ve never seen the allure in their intended use. Besides, ‘pussy rainbow’ sounds kinda gay. And while it’s doubtful you’ll find a pot of gold at its end, with a super pussy, who knows? Maybe there’d be some unicorns there. So with an hour to go yet before the boys on Soi Twilight began taking it off one night, after years of mumbling, “No thanks,” I finally decided to find out just what the fate of a ping pong ball in Thailand really entails and allowed one of Patpong’s barkers to usher me into his bar.

First, despite my trying to keep an open mind, I quickly realized there’s nothing attractive about pussy. Even when it is performing routine household chores. If they’d been trained to ‘pussy iron shirt’ maybe. But then, like with sex, I think a dick would better serve that purpose. My fellow patrons seemed to disagree with me. They sat, enthralled, waiting to see what pussy would do next. The pussy not on stage, however, was well trained in what to do next. A check bin appeared before my beer did, and both made their presence known before pussy considered I might want to sit down. I’m not a fan of ringside seats in Bangkok’s gay gogo bars, but figured when you are paying to see ‘pussy change water’ a close up and personal view might be required. I mean I’d hate to be taken in by a slight of hand trick. No problemo. The vagina who’d been trained as ‘pussy finds you seat’ quickly added another slip of paper to my check bin, and squeezed me in next to a trio of Aussies

Not sure of heterosexual protocols, I considered giving the closest a high-five as a friendly hello, but the pussy on stage was busy waving its own greeting. I think. Though I’m not sure ‘cuz I don’t read lips. And he’d probably not have appreciated my ‘pussy slips a shrimp on the barbie’ joke anyway. Instead we sat silently, shoulder to shoulder, while pussy performed one amazing feat after another. Now the sight of an engorged cock bouncing off the body of a hot young man in the gay gogo bars often results in my getting a chub of my own. So I had to wonder if the sight of pussy being super had a similar effect on breeders. Even drunk Aussies ones. I assumed, much like your gag reflex often causes you to hurl when someone near you throws up, that a similar reaction might occur among pussy lovers when watching ‘pussy drink coke’. Or maybe that only happens with the Pepsi crowd.

Knowing a penis busy watching ‘pussy razor blade’ might not appreciate being groped by another penis, but knowing that even among breeders, like the aforementioned gag reflex, a hard penis often inspires other peni around it to enlarge too, I leaned back and in my most manly of voices proclaimed, “Damnnnnn that ‘pussy fish in’ gets me hard.”

Huh. No takers. My Aussie neighbor merely raised his beer bottle for a clink to salute my penis’ enjoyment of the show. And then went back to watching ‘pussy snake’ without ever acknowledging the serpent beside him. So just in case you were wondering, straight gogo bars in Patpong are not a good place to pick up breeders. When they ‘accidently’ wander down Soi Twilight later that night, it might be a different story.

I can’t say I could really tell the difference between ‘pussy smoke cigarette’ and ‘pussy blow candle’ other than to note where there is smoke there is usually fire too. I was probably the only customer considering the plight of those poor goldfish that went ‘in’ when there was not an accompanying act where they swam back out. PETA should probably be alerted. And while ping pong balls were what made Patpong famous, they are not much in use these days. In fact, when I asked when ‘pussy ping pong’ would come on ‘pussy buy me drink’ gave me a dirty look and began tallying up my check bin.

Pussy aside, there are several differences between Bangkok’s gay gogo bars and straight ones. The gay bars have figured out that penis alone is draw enough and they do not need to be trained to be super. The aggressive barkers on Soi Twilight will always tell you, “Show Now!” even though it may be another two hours before that show starts. On Patpong 1, the show is always now. Much to your detriment. In the gay gogo bars, you may occasionally be approached by a bar boy. In the straight bars you will be constantly surrounded by bar girls pleading for a drink. ‘Pussy magic flower’ must make for thirsty work. And while some of the boys working the bars on Soi Twilight might look a bit young, the girls working the bars on Patpong 1 often look old enough to be those boys’ mothers. Or grandmothers.

Cheap bastards who hate Soi Twilight’s prices bitch and moan about the $9 cost for a drink, but a beer or two and watching pussy perform daring feats of the mundane on Patpong 1 will quickly set you back $90. And while I can’t prove it – though not for lack of trying – even off stage, there’s a lot more hard dick in the gay gogo bars than the straight ones.

Surprisingly, what the two do share is the crowd’s reaction to the fuck show. In the gay gogo bars many punters flee for the closest exit when a duo of bar boys, one impaled on the other’s cock, make their way into the audience in a bid for tips via the Soi Twilight version of a lap dance. In the straight bars, the customers also beat a hasty retreat when, after spending an evening watching pussy do things the gods never intended, the ‘man and woman make love show’ comes on. Huh. But then I guess that has nothing to do with pussy.

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