No one expects Thai bar boys to be angels. Until one of them done you wrong.
Invariably, when you read a disgruntled farang’s tale of woe about a bar boy who done him wrong, the farang enumerates all of the dastardly tricks the boy played on him while also telling of all the kind acts of generosity and love the farang made on the boy’s behalf. Kind acts of generosity and love that never seem to include mention of the numerous, long sessions of being sexually serviced by what was probably a straight man. And invariably the farang in making sure you understand each and every one of the boy’s faults while reminding you of the farang’s trusting and good-hearted nature gives himself a pass for being taken in by the boy’s deviousness and greed by explaining that he thought the boy was a good Buddhist. So here’s today’s shot of reality: Thais Are Buddhists Not The Buddha.
Most Westerner only have a vague idea of what Buddhism is and what the religion teaches. They give a nod toward Karma – which works instantly in the western mind – know that reincarnation means you were probably royalty in some past life, and have a hazy recollection about something to do with Buddhists not killing bugs. Fair enough. Many Westerners are a bit foggy on just what Christianity is and what that religion teaches too. Especially those who like to call themselves a Christian.
Mot Westerners don’t know that there are many different types of Buddhism, or that the brand generally practiced in Thailand is pro-bug killing. But they assume with all the wats in Thailand, and with saffron-robed monks running all over the place, the populace is heavily religiously oriented. And they’re right. Religion does play an important role in the daily life of the Thai people. It just has little to do with the teachings of the Buddha. That your local wat is one of the best places to find lucky numbers for this week’s lottery is probably not exactly what The Buddha had in mind. The fact is that most Buddhist are no more Buddha-like than those who enjoy telling you they are a Christian are in anyway Christ-like.
Though they are easily confused by sex touri, believe it or not, this is not a Thai temple.
No problemo. Other than as a bit of local color and the occasional frustration when a religious holiday dries up the flow of liquor at their favorite gogo bar, the locals’ religious beliefs don’t really come into play for the typical sex-oriented touri. At least not until they fall in lust with a local lad, wake up one day to discover their bank account drained, and then feel they ended up with the short end of the sick. And not the stick they’d been drooling over. Then, all of a sudden, Buddhism too is to blame. Both as a faulty religion and as an ideal their boy special failed to live up to. Because a good Buddhist would never treat a fellow human being in the manner the poor, naive, but well-meaning farang and his wallet have been treated.
That’s perfectly understandable. The farang, after all, met his boy in what he considered a temple built in honor of the gods the farang worships. And rumor has it that Jesus hung around with a prostitute, so at least as a Christian, he’s in good standing. It’s just a shame the farang wasn’t more familiar with the biblical quote about rendering unto Caesar what is Caesar’s. Because while that was probably not meant as an euphemism about paying a sex worker his due, the average Thai bar boy is well versed in the rendering part. And rendering is what a relationship with a farang is all about.
When you enter into a relationship with a Thai bar boy, it’s an unholy alliance unless you both understand what it is the other guy wants out of that relationship. Which has nothing to do with either person’s religious beliefs. The farang wants love, companionship, and sex. Lots of sex. The Thai wants to be taken care of, both emotionally and financially. Lots of financially. And taking care of the boy means taking care of his family too. When both do their part, the relationship works. When either begins to balk, thinking he’s being taken advantage of, problems ensue. And while it is then easy to point fingers and claim someone got scammed, the truth is it is usually a case of failing to understand the other guy’s needs, expectations, and culture. Which usually happens as the initial bloom fails and the boy is less interested in providing sex and the farang less willing to continue his financial support. Those damn Buddhists!
Regardless of religious beliefs, Thai men have their vices too. Just like you do.
There are good Buddhist who endeavor to live their life as the Buddha taught, just like their are good Christians who try to live up to the teachings of Jesus. There are many more, on both side of the religious divide, who pay but lip service to their religious beliefs. Neither of the former probably spends much time in Thailand’ gogo bars and happy ending manage shops. You may think you found heaven the first time you walk into a gogo bar filled with naked hunks, but don’t mistake that religious experience with anything having to do with the religion practiced by those hunks. And when your relationship with one of those hunks ends up on the rocks, don’t blame Buddhism or claim your own innocence and lack of culpability on your mistaken belief that your boy wouldn’t act like that because he was a Buddhist. “Cuz that’s not what Jesus would do.
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While it is easy to classify a “professional” money boy in
the big mango or pattaya as a prostitute, thai boys’ connections
to farangs are often more diverse than that; or they evolve into
something else. the lad may still be a bar boy, but is their
connection still best described that way? when income levels
between partners vary by factors of 10 to 50, i think
we also need to sometimes question how we define the
exchange of money.
in one situation, the bar boy is regularly offed
by a farang resident, once or twice a week. when he is sick, the
farang has taken him from the bar and put him to bed. sometimes
they go on day trips together. sometimes after offing him they
discover that they are not “in the mood” and just watch some TV or youtube
videos and cuddle up to sleep. no money is exchanged. when the
farang needs to travel outside of thailand, he arranges for the
boy to receive weekly support.
in another situation, the boy is a hotel worker who has never been
a bar boy or a free lancer. a farang strikes up a friendship and after he
leaves, they maintain email and chat contact and their friendship deepens.
after several months they travel together for a couple of
weeks. the farang asks for a sexual connection, the boy says i
can give you that. the boy asks for help and the farang is generous.
in intimate human relationships, there is always sex, money, and companionship
components. in the old days, men made the money, women delivered the sex and
hopefully there was some companionship. the second situation is not much
different than that from the start, is it? is this boy a prostitute?
even in the first situation, the dynamic can evolve to
make the sexmoney link secondary to the companionship and
if the lad drops his bar life then is he still best classified as a
prostitute?
Thanks for your excellent comment Cody.
I’m using bar boy and prostitute in this series of posts because the farang who end up posting their tale of woe on the message boards seldom have managed a relationship that transcends that dynamic. They may start referring to their prostitute as a boyfriend, but the money they shell out always remains a major consideration in their view of that relationship. The cost of that relationship always seems to be what they hone in on. And when they begin enumerating all of the terrible things their boyfriend did to them, they always keep score financially. Those are the ‘relationships’ my 7 Shots of Reality are directed toward.
Others, as you pointed out, manage to evolve to where the sex/money part of the relationship is secondary. I think the successful relationships between farang and Thai guys – which whether he was a working boy or not often includes financial assistance – happens when both parties recognize that each brings to the relationship what they can, and both are equal in that regard. The farang, who more often than not is the source of money, is no more the one with the upper hand than is the Thai guy who often brings that which money can not buy.
As you say, in intimate human relationships there is always sex, money, and companionship
components. When those are balanced, the relationship works. When one take precedence over the others, you are then dealing with a farang who wants lots of sex but has his eye always on his wallet. He’d be better off recognizing he’s paying for sex and dealing with a prostitute rather than fantasizing he has a boyfriend. It’ll end up costing him much less, and since his wallet rules, he’ll have a much happier ending too.
From my experience, my Thai and Myanmar boyfriends and friends have almost no idea what Buddha taught….. even the ones who have spent multiple periods as monks themselves. The Thai form of Buddhism they seem to know seems to have more in common with a “Las Vegas lucky number beat-the-house gambling strategy or formula.”….. than anything we think of as religious or spiritual. Basically, they are praying to “the spirits” to be “lucky”.
Note that when they use the word, “luck” or “lucky”, in describing the purpose of their rituals….. It’s not just a bad translation. They REALLY ACTUALLY ARE praying for luck. They believe that doing these things will make them lucky. Not spiritual. Not good. Not about love or kindness or generosity. It’s about (very selfish) luck. Nothing more. Nothing less.
This is true for many, but then to be fair, how many Christians do you know who only pray when they need something? Or despite being able to quote scripture really know diddly about what Jesus taught?
Noom spends a lot of time communing with Buddha when we’re out visiting wats. Years ago, jokingly, I asked him what he was praying for. His reply was, “You don’t ask Buddha, you thank Buddha.”
Ouch.