If you think about it, it’s rather miraculous that the birthday most celebrated throughout the word isn’t even the day the birthday boy was actually born on. Not that it really matters in the grand scheme of things, but if I had my druthers we’d celebrate Christmas at some other time of the year. Like in August. The middle of summer would be a great time for another three day weekend. The weather is more conducive to partying then. And then December could be reserved for celebrating what really matters: my birthday.

Having a birthday during the Christmas holiday season sucks. Sure everyone is in a celebratory mood and partying their asses off, but you can only pretend that’s all about you for so long. Sooner or later you realize in everybody else’s holiday plans, your birthday doesn’t count. Even those who care enough to take the time to acknowledge your birthday really consider it an imposition. There’s already too many parties to attend, another one is just asking a bit too much. Not that anyone’s gonna through you a birthday party smack dab in the middle of celebrating Christmas and New Years anyway.

Having a birthday at Christmas gives your cheap ass friends and relatives an excuse to kill two gift giving occasions with one package. And if you do get a birthday present, it’s gonna be wrapped in Christmas paper. I don’t think it can be too much fun having your baby at Christmas either. You may get a bit of extra attention at all the parties you still have to drag your bloated body to, but it’s an awfully short spotlight. If I was a woman of child bearing age I wouldn’t let any man get within ten feet of me from early March through the middle of April. I just wish my mother had been intelligent enough to look at a calendar. Though I guess Dad had something to do with that too.

But it could be worse. Being born on Christmas Day must really suck. Hell, as a kid even you’d be willing to overlook your birthday in lieu of all the loot Santa’s gonna bring you. December 25 has got to be the absolutely worst day to be born. You’re probably lucky even to get an honorable mention.

Even though Jesus really wasn’t born on 12/25, since we pretend he was and since everyone is in that peace on earth goodwill to men frame of mind, you’d think people born on Christmas would be a little special. Like if you told me Mother Teresa was born on Xmas, I’d think, “That makes sense.” Ted Bundy, not so much. Any Catholic cardinal who wanted to be pope would be a shoe-in if his birthday was on December 25th. So I looked up which famous people share a birthday with Jesus. The dead ones didn’t count. And while there are no Noble Peace Prize winners born that day as you might otherwise expect, Jimmy Buffett was. And for a lot of people you just can’t get much closer to god than that.

Annie Lennox was born on Christmas too. Which doesn’t quite fit the image I was looking for. But then Annie was into cross-dressing in her early career so I can live with that. Happy Birthday Annie! Sissy Spacek was born on Xmas too. Sissy is a fine actress, quite talented, but there’s always a bit of the neurotic in the roles she plays. I suspect that’s not method acting, it’s just Sissy’s inner demons coming through. And while there is nothing messiah-like about Sissy, considering she’s spent over 60 years having her birthday totally ignored that neuroses is perfectly understandable.

That extreme level of psychologically crippling abuse also make sense out of what otherwise would be discounted as pure evil when you consider Karl Roves’ birth date. Yup, Karl was a Christmas baby. So I guess my whole idea of people born on Christmas being imbued with some higher calling doesn’t work. Finding out Karl Rove was born on Christmas is like finding out there’s no Santa Claus. (Oooops: Spoiler Alert!) It’s just a shame Stephen Colbert is on hiatus. He could have lots of fun with his Rove ham as a Christmas ham. I think I’ll drop him an email.

So I hope you all enjoy your Christmas. You bastards. But no problemo. When people wish me Happy Holidays, I just assume they mean Happy Birthday too. And it’s kinda cool having lots of complete strangers taking the time out of their busy schedules to wish you a happy birthday. Despite every biblical scholar agreeing that Mary did not drop child on 12/25, it’s doubtful that Christmas will be moved to the date it should be celebrated. Those of us unfortunate to have been born around the date we do celebrate that holiday will just have to live with. At least we have experience. And it could be worse. You could be born on 9/11.

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