Condom usage was once the domain of heterosexual men who couldn’t convince their women to go on the pill to prevent unwanted pregnancies. They were a necessary evil, popular with no one, but better than facing a life of child support payments. And then along came AIDS. And a host of other STDs that left men, straight and gay alike, with only two options: wear a rubber or spend your life masturbating alone. As much as part of sex as condoms have become for most of us, they still are an unpopular part of the experience. It’s not that familiarity bread contempt but rather that despite almost daily use we still hate the idea of slipping on a rubber.

Manufacturers have tried introducing new models to the marketplace to combat the unpopularity of their product with little success. Science too has taken a stab at making the condom a more acceptable part of the sexual experience but has done no better than the condom manufacturers themselves. You’d think that if we can put a man on the moon we’d be able to figure out a better way to keep our best buddies safe from harm during his big moment on the stage. But no, the real money goes to less worthy causes like finding a cure for cancer. Shouldn’t someone have figured out a better form of protection by now?

Yup, smells like science to me.

The bad news is that if you thought I had word of a new product that made the dreaded condom obsolete, you’re our of luck. However, great strides have been made in getting rubbers to fit better thanks to the mistaken belief that a better fit will put a smile on our faces. And that effort has produced some good news. At least if you are a Thai man under the age of 30, or a size queen who likes Thai men under the age of 30. For the average American man, the news isn’t quite as grand.

Thanks to that old adage that those who can do, those who can’t volunteer for studies on the male penis in hopes that at least somebody on campus will be talking about their little friend, researchers at Indiana University recently released a horrific report that claims the average erect penis size of American men is actually much smaller than the previously inflated national average – 5.57 inches, to be exact. The Indiana scientists believe theirs to be the most accurate collection of data to date because they also unearthed a shocking fact concerning the flaws of previous studies: Men often lie about their penis size – a universal truth that for some reason required a college education to discover.

Dr. Debby Herbenick, co-Director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University, says that men are usually asked to report their own measurements in most studies related to penis size because getting a chub in front of a room full of doctors measuring your penis is easier said than done. And we all know when you measure your own dick the rule of thumb is to add two inches. Dr. Debby, however, came up with a sneaky little trick to make sure her study’s measurements were more accurate.

“Unlike most previous studies of self-reported penis size, they had good reason to report accurate data to us because we were using their size data to match them to a condom that was sized to fit their erect penis. If they reported a bigger-than-reality size to us, they would get a baggier condom. If they reported a smaller-than-reality size to us, the condom would be too tight.”

Not that there is any danger of a man reporting his dick is smaller than it really is (a little white lie we only use when trying to convince a first timer to bottom). But it turns out when you throw a man a boner that includes a free custom fitted condom, for once in their lives they’ll man up and confess their shortcomings. The bad news is the U.S. is packing less than previously claimed. The good news is it is less difficult to now be considered above average. Without lying. But wait! There’s more!

While Dr. Debby was not quite as forthcoming about the methods she employed to obtain yet another bit of scientific evidence, her group did report that men were more likely to have a larger erection when receiving oral sex than from manual stimulation. That means no matter what your penis size, the man on the other end of it is ultimately responsible for his own amount of pleasure. So if you are a size queen, ya know, get busy.

Of course dick size is an interest that knows no national boundaries and the Thais too have been busy with their rulers, all in the interest of providing the best fitting condom, of course. Pornthep Siriwanarangsun, director-general of the Disease Prevention and Control Department in Bangkok says that thanks to improvements in public health and nutrition, Thai men under 30 are now packing more pork than the one that produced them.

The Thai Ministry of Public Health distributes about 40 million condoms annually and according to the Thai Ministry of Public Health the 49mm and 52mm sized rubbers handed out in the past no longer do the job; younger Thais now have more meat on their boners so the ministry will start distributing 54mm condoms too. “More Thai men are now over 170 centimeters tall and exceed 70 kilograms in weight. They can no longer use condoms with sizes of 49mm and 52mm,” said Pornthep who feels the new larger rubbers will help combat the spread of STDs because smaller condoms make men feel uncomfortable and they will stop using them.

While it is good news to hear that younger Thais now stand tall and proud, the fact remains all condoms – regardless of size – are uncomfortable. And proper fit aside, when you offer a variety of sizes of rubbers to choose from, every man is gonna go for the largest. Except bar boys who use them as a cock ring when they take the stage in their bar’s Big Cock show. And the Thai government might want to hire Dr. Debby, who seems to have a grasp on the issue of penis sizes, because the idea that men growing taller and putting on more weight alone results in an increase in size where it really counts sounds like wishful thinking. Then again if your goal is to prevent the transmissions of STDs, convincing young men the fatter they get the larger their dicks will be might not be a bad way to go.

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