I’m on a Top Ten kick. In case you didn’t notice. While I was researching my recent post about the Top Ten Things Not To Do In Bangkok – meaning I was looking up how to spell Damnoen Saduak for the fiftieth time – I ran across several lists of the things you are supposed to avoid doing in Thailand. Ya know, those cultural no-nos like dissing the King, getting angry, and touching a Thai on his head. That last one always worried me because I wasn’t sure if that meant using a bar boy’s ears as handles was okay or not. But Latintopxxx, a regular poster on SGT, assures me that after bartering a bar boy down to servicing you for 500 baht, anything you feel like doing to obtain your well-paid for orgasm is fine. What a relief. The world needs more experts on Thailand like Latin, spreading the word on how the country really works.

Avoiding social faux pas while visiting a foreign country is a worthy goal for any traveller. And Thailand is no exception. Thankfully lists of the things to avoid doing abound on the internet. So we are all aware that if a 1,000 baht note slips from your hand and starts blowing down the street, using your foot to trap it is not only considered rude by the locals but will land your ass in jail. So repeating those wise words of wisdom here is unnecessary. Besides, I already wrote that article. On the other hand, there are countless minor transgressions that give Thais an excuse to use the word farang like it was spelled with four letters that seldom make the more popular Not To Do lists. So many in fact that the seasoned traveler quickly realizes your best course of action is just to ignore the entire lot. Etiquette is for pussies. And if manners were really all that important, etiquette experts would be in heavy demand instead of making crap up to fill their daily newspaper column. And since daily newspapers are now dinosaurs, that must mean all those social niceties are too.

In any case, when travelling, it really is a matter of survival more than anything else. That and ensuring you have fun regardless of the sour faces pointed your way. With that in mind then, here are the top ten things you should just go right ahead and do in Thailand, despite the warnings given by others.

1. Speak Loudly So The Damn Locals Can Better Understand Your English.
I feel for you. With the U.S. being the sole superpower left in the world today you’d think everyone on the planet would have the good sense to speak English by now. That includes those damn Brits. (And Canadians too, eh? Aussies we give a pass to ‘cuz their colloquialisms are so damn cute and they are all drunk all the time anyway.) The fact is the communication problem is not one of comprehension, but rather volume. Trust me, the louder you get the quicker some local will realize he’d better start figuring out how to satisfy your needs.

2. Dress Like A Slob And Then Bitch About Not Being Treated With Respect.
You’re on holiday damnit! And you should not have to dress respectably just so third-worlders understand you are a person to be respected. You probably already yelled a them ‘cuz they could not understand your English so they already know you are an American. What more should you have to do? Conform to society’s rules about wearing clean and appropriate clothing? Ha! Not a chance buster. You can leave that to the Europeans; we all know the French are big on haute couture because they aren’t big on soap and water anyway.

3. Haggle Your Ass Off Over $1.50.
I know. It’s not the money, it’s the principal. In America we don’t barter over prices, we pay the asked for price. Unless you are Jewish and know where to buy wholesale. So it’s the damn Thais’ fault for demanding we argue over costs in the first place. And it really isn’t the money. It’s that we need to prove we’re smarter and can not be taken advantage of. So when that fake Rolex saleslady at Patpong’s Night Market tries to take you for 3,000 baht, stand firm and don’t let her get away with more than 2,000. Unlike the bar boy you off later, she’ll respect you in the morning.

Of course 1,000 baht is some serious cash, so even the whimpiest touri will try to get a better price when buying pricey knickknacks. As a true bartering adept, you know your skills at haggling really shine when you can spend a half hour whittling a vendor’s 50 baht asking price down to 30 baht or less. Sure it may only be a mater of fifty cents, or that vendor’s ability to put food on his family’s dinner table, but just think of how many years of enjoyment you’ll get in telling your friends and family about that time you saved half a buck while travelling in Thailand.

4. Snap Some Stranger’s Picture Without Asking Permission.
Yes, Thailand has a law on the books protecting locals from over zealous amateur photographers from stealing their image (without compensation) but we all know rules in Thailand are made to be ignored. Besides, your camera probably cost more than that wizened old lady made in her entire life. And, as a not so well known blogger advises, anyone who is out in public is fair game for your camera lens; the right to privacy is nothing compared to your right to photograph someone’s plight of poverty in the name of tourism.

5. Remind Everyone How Great It Is To Be American.
There are few phrases that the locals enjoy hearing more than, “Well, in the U.S. we . . .” Face it, everyone loves America and wants to be an American. And who can blame them? Thais are stuck in the societal rut of a thousand year old culture while us Americans have been doing it better for almost 300 years. Inexperienced travellers may think travelling is about learning and experiencing foreign cultures, the savvy touri knows it’s about spreading the joys of American culture throughout the world. That’s why there are few places left in the world where you can’t find a set of golden arches when hunger strikes.

6. Remind Everyone How Great It Is To Be Christian.
Now you may become tired of informing the less fortunate how we do things in America, but there are a few times when you can not shirk your duty regardless of how many locals you’ve already enlightened that day. And as a Christian, that means whenever you are confronted with yet another display of the cute superstitions that pass for religion in Thailand. You need to spread the love and remind the heathen that unless they find Jesus they are doomed and headed for hell. If you can not be bothered to save yet another soul, at the very least make sure your face announces your disgust at pagan displays like statues of Buddha.

7. Get All Prissy And Storm Out In A Huff ‘Cuz Someone Is Smoking.
While we are on the subject of religion, prissy face is just as effective for showing your extreme displeasure at smokers as it is at non-Christians. Except those Buddhist are simply going to hell while smokers are obviously trying to kill you and take you to hell with them. So it is only right that you take their smoking personally. Thailand, relying so heavily on touri dollars, has attempted to wipe their country free of the scum of earth as all developed countries of the world have but despite its laws banning smoking in most public places many business owners still cater to those too weak too abstain from their disgusting vice and allow smokers to congregate where they should not. Which is anywhere you are. You need to show your disgust and make it clear to business owners that your valuable patronage will be lost if they permit such nefarious deeds in their establishment. Always storm out in a huff when you spot someone huffing on a ciggie in public. And if you can find an employee to bitch at while doing so, all the better. They will appreciate hearing your complaint. Especially if you start it with, “Well! In America . . . “

Smokers are especially annoying at bars, open air pubs, nightclubs, and gogo bars. Nothing is more disgusting than at night out on the town resulting in the smell of smoke on your clothing – if not for that obnoxious stain of tobacco permeating your duds you coulda worn them a least another there or four times before sending them to the laundry. So it is not just a health issue, it is a financial issue too.

8. Bitch About How Loud The Music Is At A GoGo Bar.
Add this one to Jabba’s list of things he just doesn’t get. We all know that the one place in Thailand you should be able to sit quietly and hold a conversation is a gogo bar filled with naked Thais performing sex acts on stage. Duh. So why don’t the damn bar owners realize this and keep their sound systems set at a reasonable level? Dance clubs are just as bad; the music at DJ Station and G.O.D. is so loud you’d think the tunes mattered more than your comfort does. Worse yet, at both types of venues the sound system is so ramped up few if anyone can hear you when you whine about how loud the music is.

9. Whine About The Rip Off Prices Gogo Bars Charge.
When you stop and think about all of the things you can whine about at gogo bars, you have to wonder why more people don’t join in on the festivities. Smokers, loud music, pushy mamasans, too much or too little nudity, too many or not enough fem boys, inattentive bar boys . . . it’s a bonanza of riches for the disgruntled – especially those frugal with a buck. And a good thing bar owners don’t realize that or they’d raise their prices. To help protect you and your fellow patrons from being scalped further – and to get your full entertainment value for the cash you paid – make sure you bitch about how much the bars charge at every chance you get. And always overstate your case by claiming overinflated drink charges are based on the price of a bottle of water.

10. Remind Everyone How Much You Hate Pedophiles While Gazing Adoringly At 18-Year-Old Bar Boys Who Look Like They Are Only 14.
If god didn’t want Adam and Eve to eat from that damn tree of knowledge, he should never have created snakes. Well, ditto for Thai men who look ten years younger than they are. Do not allow anyone to label you as a child molester just because you flew half way around the globe at a cost of thousands of dollars to pay to have sex with a local guy who looks like he is fresh to puberty. He’s legal damnit, and that’s all that counts. Besides, the Mayor of Sunee Plaza says Pattaya should market itself to pedophiles as a place where they can legally indulge in their sickness while adhering to the letter of the law (or not, but we don’t talk about that).

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