Bangkok attracts masses of visitors every year for a variety of reasons. Whether it’s the shopping, the boys, its exotic cultural sites, the boys, the food, the boys, or its historical grand temples, the country has something to draw every visitor, many who have made the trip countless times before. There is something for everyone and everyone sings the city’s praises even if their tune isn’t one other visitors would recognize. Regardless of what specifically attracts you to the town – which may be a world totally foreign to the other touri lined up at immigration waiting for the official nod permitting entry to Asia’s premier land of fantasy – there are some Bangkok experiences shared by all visitors. Its notorious traffic, for example, is a memory every touri, unfortunately, takes home with them.

If you are smart, you quickly learn which parking lots passing for a roadway to avoid. If you are lucky, your schedule will keep you away from the worst areas of gridlock – though when a city’s rush hour lasts from 5 a.m. to 11 p.m., that has more to do with miracles than it does with luck. And if you are a savvy visitor you’ll adopt the Thai preference for avoiding confrontation and use the BTS instead. And find that during peak traffic congestion hours the Skytrain is just a macrocosm of what awaits on the roads below.

Avoidance is a losing proposition when it comes to Bangkok’s traffic. It is a proverbial tilting at windmills, a worthy endeavor that has about as much chance of success as going mano y mano with a mamasan and keeping your wallet intact. So when I read the headline Taxi Driver Protest Causing Delays on Ratchadamnoen Road on Bangkok Coconuts this morning, I was suitably aghast. And immediately my heart went out to the plight of any poor sufferer of hemorrhoids caught as a passenger in that horrendous mess. The short article went on to explain that over 500 taxi drivers, protesting against the LPG gas price increase, had taken to the street to voice their anger. The horror! But then, recalling what the traffic on Ratchadamnoen Road looks like on any normal afternoon, I wondered if anyone would even notice the difference. 500 taxis stuck in traffic on Ratchadamnoen Road is pretty much business as usual.

Because the universe sometimes works that way, Bangkok traffic related stories suddenly seemed to be everywhere. And since I enjoy coincidence and convergence equally, I started clicking away. Okay, so there were a few headlines good for a laugh but not quite good enough to click on. Such as Small Hole on Sukhumvit Road Causes Traffic Headache. Thais love double entendres in their own language. English language newspaper editors, I think, just don’t pay attention to the verbiage they use. Tony Jaa Joins Cast of Fast and Furious 7 was worth clicking on, however, ‘cuz a mental picture of the young, cute, and hunky circa Ong Bak Tony popped into my head before I remembered the last Tony Jaa movie I watched would suggest his next role would be in Fat & Furious.

You have to assume that Fast & Furious 7 will not be set in Bangkok. Unless the cars in that franchise are as old, tired, and slow as its stars. The accompanying article didn’t have much info about the movie either, though it did report that when Tony was asked if he could beat Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson or Vin Diesel in a fight, he gave the very Thai answer of, “Having a chance to work with Vin Diesel and The Rock already makes me a winner.” The fact that he could beat both of those senior citizen bloody at the same time with his hands tied behind his back was left unsaid. As was that Paul Walker’s name wasn’t mentioned in that duel since my grandmother could beat Paul bloody on one of her bad days.

Of much greater interest was an article from almost a year ago about the police in Bangkok issuing warning tickets for minor traffic violations instead of fines, supposedly to prevent congestion. As though they issued minor traffic violation tickets instead of collecting tea money in the first place. The article didn’t say what constituted a ‘minor traffic violation’ but did list the 13 major traffic offenses that would still be met with stiff fines and punishment. The list was better for a laugh than the ‘small hole’ on Sukhumvit was, and I thought I’d reprint it here since it appears to be more of a checklist for successfully navigating Bangkok’s traffic:

– racing on public roads
– driving over the speed limit
– dangerous overtaking
– drunk driving
– driving against the traffic flow
– not wearing crash helmets
– double parking
– driving vehicles with no license plates
– emitting black smoke
– violating parking bans
– parking on footpaths
– driving on footpaths
– taxis refusing to take passengers

Or maybe they just meant you’d get a ticket for committing all of those infractions at once.

And finally – ‘cuz at least in my mind that’s where all roads lead – came the story of the arrest of Jakrawuth Praesanom for trafficking in penis enlargement therapy.

In what was called ‘a daring sting’ Bangkok police arrested the 33-year-old man for performing illegal “penis enlargement massage” in his car. An undercover officer solicited Jakrawuth’s services and was about to receive one of the special massages in the back seat of his car when police rushed in, made the arrest, and ‘recovered’ a penis pump and massage oils. The police had been tipped off about Jakrawuth’s bidness during a raid of The Men Spa massage parlor which had been advertising services for penile enlargement and performance enhancement in male public toilets in the Rama 2 area. The suspect was charged with opening a clinic without permission and performing massage without a license instead of a warning for his minor traffic violation.

I dunno but I think Bangkok’s powers that be got it wrong. If instead they encouraged back seat happy endings, touri would be singing a different story when recounting their tales of Bangkok’s traffic.

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