The good news is that summer is in full swing; the weather has warmed up, holiday time is here, and hotties of every race and age are flocking to the beaches of the world. The bad news is that a majority of those flocking to the beaches of the world insist on showing off flesh that was never intended for public consumption. Sure you can sit at home and be subjected to selfies of Geraldo Rivera naked 70-year-old body on the computer, but that’s what you get for indiscriminate internet surfing. But in real life, you should have the right to enjoy a day at the beach without witnessing disgusting displays of inhumanity that make you want to puke in the sand. Unfortunately, according to this year’s beachgoers’ survey, it looks like your #1 must-have for a day at the beach is a barf bag.

When I read about Expedia’s 2013 Flip Flop Report I assumed the world’s largest vacationing by computer algorithm company had finally given up the ghost and figured out the real money was in hooking up versatile gay guys with each other. No such luck. Instead they managed to get 8,606 clueless vacationers from North America, South America, Europe, Asia, and Australia to provide data on their beach-going preferences so the company could market packaged beachside holidays to the masses. The company’s annual Harris Interactive study of beach habits examined global opinions about sharks, bikini briefs, nudity, theft, sunscreen, attire, and much more. Not surprisingly, among the survey results, the study found that more than half of beachgoers worldwide consider easy access to alcohol “at least somewhat” important when considering where to take a beach vacation. That’s because overall, 65% of beachgoers worldwide reported finding skimpy bathing suits like the Speedo to be “acceptable.” Perhaps Harris Interactive would do better next year if instead of just asking their questions they provided photographic evidence of what they were asking about.

Ditto for the survey questions addressing topless sunbathing. Almost a quarter of respondents said they were comfortable with people going topless on beaches But ten minutes spent on Jomtien would change those result drastically once people renumbered that what is good for the goose is good for the gander and when it comes to manneries, topless sunbathing is never a pretty site. But then since Thailand was not one of the 21 counties that survey participants came from, the results are, though faulty, more understandable. It is interesting to note, however, that the countries with the highest percentage of beachgoers least comfortable with toplessness at the beach were: India (41%), South Korea (40%), Malaysia (39%), Singapore (39%) and Japan (36%). Sounds like visitors from western countries have left their mark on the consciousness of the people of Asia.

The good news for Pattaya is that 73% of those taking the survey said they would not change their travel plans because of a dirty/polluted beach. Not quite as good news is that while 50% reported in prep for a beach vacation they bought an new swimsuit, only 33% said they spent extra time at the gym getting in shape and only 24% reported going on a pre-trip diet. So don’t expect the views to change much. And the sexpat population might not be keen to know that only 12% of respondents reported hooking up with a stranger for sex. Even though 31% said they drank far more than normal. Which means even if you do get that hottie smashed, there’s still only a 1 in 3 chance you’ll land him in bed.

Not that sex on the beach was part of the survey. Nor, since Pattaya was left out of the survey, was purchasing sex on the beach. So it is not surprising that American beachgoers instead rated walking on the beach as their favorite seaside activity (78% participate). Indians are a bit more productive and ratted building sand castles as their favorite thing to do (52%). They also were big on jet ski rentals and getting massages. Which sounds like Pattaya really needs to redirect its marketing efforts to the Indian subcontinent.

70% of beach goers world-wide enjoy sunbathing, but only 23% of Malaysians and 32% of Singaporeans do – like Thais they are big on looking as white as possible. Meanwhile the Irish and those from the UK top the charts in attempting to get a tan, which explains all that red skin you see at night on Walking Street. 90% of Germans, however, go to the beach to swim. You gotta love that German linear mindset.

Of course what you do and what you think of beach-going depends largely on where that beach is. Expedia’s fans preferred beaches in Mexico, with 46% of respondents vacationing south of the border. Which may explain why 54% of American beachgoers cited “having wallet/possessions stolen” as their chief beach fear with only 16% reported worrying most about drowning/rip currents. Which makes sense. Today when taking a beach vacation in Mexico you are more likely to die by getting shot during a dispute between rival drug gangs than you are from drowning. Unless you are Malaysian, evidently: 42% listed drowning as their #1 beach-going fear. And while the survey didn’t report where it is that Singaporeans vacation, it would be good to know since 80% reported their biggest fear was sharks, with 41% refusing to swim as a result.

Instead, vacationers from Singapore like to spend their beach-time shopping (78%), with Malaysia just sneaking in behind them at 73%. Canadians, to whom a beach is a foreign concept, reported their favorite beach-time activity was golf.

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