Despite the deep concerns of right-wing nutters that the Supreme Court’s recent decision paving the way for all of us to get gay married will ultimately lead us into loving, committed, formal relationships with our dog, the majority of less narrow-minded people are slowly coming around to believing that gays, just like breeders, should have the right to wed. Well of course they do. Everyone knows misery loves company. And where once we could point to those damn Defense of Marriage laws as a convenient excuse for staying free from lifelong commitment, now all of our married friends are busy picking out the perfect guy for us to get hitched to. It’s not so much about marriage equality as it is about being equally unhappy for the rest of your life.

While all the straight folk are busy jumping on the gay marriage bandwagon, a quickly growing body of gay men are making it clear that marriage may not be the institution best suited for man on mankind. Dan Savage has weighed in with the reminder that for gay men it is not monogamy, but monogamish – a relationship in which you’re mostly monogamous, with a little squish around the edges – ‘cuz when both parties in a marriage are men seed sowing is gonna happen. Gay marriage has John Waters concerned too. “Now what will they call gay men like myself who choose not to be married?” he recently asked. “There’s no name for us.”

No, John, there is. It’s happy. But if too many of us fall for the marriage trap, they are gonna have to come up with a new word to replace ‘gay’ – few of us will be anymore.

Part of being gay has always meant being single. It is one of the many reason straight men hate us. Jealousy is never a pretty sight. Gay men are known for being hip, fashionable, and refined. We have great taste. And loads of pink dollars to burn. We take fabulous vacations while our breeder friends scrimp and save for college tuitions they’ll never be able to afford when that day comes anyway. And yes, we have a great eye for decorating. That’s because we can afford to redecorate with the change of seasons instead of being too worn out to think about it from changing diapers.

We get to be the cool uncle all of our nieces and nephews love, they get to be the parents all those kids will grow to hate. They get to face the bloody no holds barred marriage tradition called divorce that leaves everyone involved penniless and filled with hatred and resentment for the rest of their lives, we get to move on to our next boyfriend, with a new fuck buddy added to our list of friends to turn to in times of horniness or need. We get to spend hours on perfecting a body that would make the gods envious – at least until the day when we realize a fat bank account is just as attractive as a muscular, well-defined chest – they get to become old before their time and contribute to the country’s obesity statistics. Marriage equality? WTF were we thinking?

And it’s not just years of wondering how much better you could have done that those who get gay married have forward to look to. There is the wedding celebration itself. We’ve already given the world Randy Fenoli, the host of TLC’s, Say Yes to the Dress, just how much more do we have to do? But unfortunately, along with the tradition of marriage, we now get to take part in wedding ceremony traditions too. And if that ain’t enough to scare you single, I don’t know what is. In the U.S. alone, that whole ‘something borrowed, something blue’ thing just ain’t gonna fly. Gay men are not into used-clothing. Unless you are talking vintage Chanel. And now that we can get married we have to abandon pink in favor of blue? I think not.

Of course the real danger for many of us – being the jet-setting world travellers that we are – is the wedding traditions of where we may find our true love. Having left the entire wedding thingy in the hands of the straights of the world all these centuries, they’ve come up with some traditions that are almost as horrifying as, well, getting married. Consider these rituals you now have to look forward to:

Gots To Go: There are many things you’ll no longer be able to do when married. The Indonesian Tidong community wants you to learn that lesson from the get-go. Part of their marriage customs is that newlyweds must be confined to the house for three days after the wedding, during which time they cannot use the bathroom. Huh, And I thought how you spelled relief was d-i-v-o-r-c-e.

No, You’re The Bride: At Massai weddings in Kenya it is a tradition for the bride’s father to bless his daughter by spitting on her head and breasts before she leaves the village with her new husband.

And This Is Where Your Life Is Headed: After the wedding ceremony in France, guests collect all of the leftovers – bits of trash, and anything else they deem to be sufficiently gross – within a toilet bowl which the bride and groom are then forced to drink out of. As disgusting as this sounds you can consider it karma in action – the night you proposed you’d probably been hugging the toilet after drinking too much so turnabout is fair play.

This Is Not What I Meant When I Suggested A Threesome: Some villages in Africa require an older woman to accompany the newlyweds into their bedroom on the first night of their marriage in order to “show the bride the ropes”. Although this is usually a village elder, sometimes it can be the brides own mother. And you thought your parents were nosy.

Welcome To The Rest Of Your Life: Wedding nights in Albania are not about sex, but then married life isn’t either. There the tradition is that for three days and three nights, the bride must resist her husband’s sexual advances, supposedly to confuse evil spirits.

As If Being Married Wasn’t Humiliating Enough: In Scotland the ‘blackening of the bride’ is a unique pre-wedding tradition in which friends and family find anything disgusting and sloppy then simultaneously throw it at the bride; smelly fish, rotten eggs, baked beans, the contents of trash cans. The idea is that if the bride can learn to face humiliation then she is prepared for being married.

What’s Our Is Mine: In some parts of India the groom is required to take off his shoes before approaching the wedding altar. As soon as he does mayhem ensues. Everyone from the bride’s side of the family tries to steal them, while everyone from the groom’s side of the family tries to protect them. If the bride’s family succeeds in their endeavor, then they are allowed to hold the shoes hostage until they get paid a ransom.

But Can You Flush The Rest Of Your Life Away?: The Indian state of Madhya Pradesh is big on getting its population hitched. Since 2006, the state pays for couples to participate in mass marriage ceremonies and awards them housewarming gifts worth $270. The only hitch is that the groom must own a toilet – he has to send a photo of himself with his toilet, or prove his intent to install one within 30 days of the wedding. At least no one argues about what the wedding invitations will look like.

Not quit as humorous is the reason why. It’s not just to improve sanitation (India’s 2011 census revealed that less than half of Indian homes had a toilet) but to help prevent the problem of women and girls being raped when they go out to relieve themselves in the open (especially in the early morning or late evening). The BBC reported earlier this month that 400 women would have “escaped” rape last year if they had a toilet in their home.

But then sometimes even the breeders get it right – probably thanks to asking a gay man for advice – and there are some wedding traditions that with just a bit of tweaking to allow for gay sensibilities we can all get behind.

Who Knew The Swedish Word For Wedding Was Orgy: During the wedding reception in Sweden, whenever either the bride or groom leaves their table to use the bathroom the other gets kissed – a lot. If the groom has to go then every male in the reception will get a chance to kiss the bride and vice versa. Note that you may want to only invite men to your wedding. Preferably good looking ones.

Drag Is Compulsory: In Kenya it is the custom that during the entire first month after the wedding for the groom to wear women’s clothing (to fully enjoy and understand how hard is being a woman. And they don’t even wear heels there.) Or maybe it’s just so that he too can have a turn at looking fabulous.
Wit, Bitch, Snark, I Do!: In the south of India tradition dictates that the groom’s side always complains about the wedding celebration food – which is paid for and arranged by the bride’s family – irrespective of how good or bad it is.

Or As They Call It In Sunee Plaza, Saturday Night: A young Greek bride ritually celebrates her nuptials by grabbing a young, pre-pubescent boy and forcing him onto her lap. Then, she bites off the biscuit ring that surrounds his neck.

A Better Take On The Purge: The Bai people of China get it. Being married doesn’t mean your sex life has to suffer. In their tradition, everyone gets three days of freedom and privacy each year to get it on with any hottie they’ve been drooling over during the past year. They can go for a quickie, or even live together during the grace period. Of course all good things must come to pass and after the three days they must return to their normal boring family life. And you thought Christmas was something to look forward to!

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