Noom, my bar boy friend and current love of my life, considers his family mine and my family his. Even though I have met most of his and he has not met any of mine. Regardless, my parents and brothers have been adopted into his world and he makes sure on every visit I make to Bangkok to send his love to my father, while mom always gets some small gift he has picked up for her. Mom gets her tchotchkes, without comment. I’ve yet to tell my dad that there is a bar boy in Bangkok who loves him.

Years ago, before he even knew what it meant – and mostly to piss off my sister-in-law – I told my eldest nephew that when he was 18 I’d take him to Bangkok to get laid. Several years passed, and though he still wasn’t sure what getting laid was all about he was sure that the idea bothered his mother so at each birthday celebration he’d count down how many more years before his trip to the flesh pots of Thailand. When he hit puberty and girls no longer had cooties, his count down took on an urgency not previously displayed. And his mother found the whole thing even less funny.

My brother, remembering what it was like to be a teenager with raging hormones, bowed to the inevitable. His only caveat – knowing my sick sense of humor well – was that I not set his son up with a ladyboy. Unless that was what he wanted. And then my bro didn’t want to know about it. Not that he was necessarily jazzed to hear of any other developments either. Jake, my nephew, took that as a blessing and quickly altered ‘to when he was 18’ to “when he turned 18”. As in minutes counted. But then at 18 when you are talking about an orgasm, with someone else in the room for a change, minutes do count.

Jake’s 18th birthday fell a mere five days before Thanksgiving. His mom, thinking she was smarter than the average bear, said he could make his Thailand trip provided he was back home to spend the holiday with his family. Huh. A bit obvious. She doesn’t cook. And the only time they have a real Thanksgiving dinner is when I invite them over to my place. No problemo. Jake gave me a high-five and asked what day we were leaving.

I’ve accompanied a lot of newbies to Thailand over the years, and with a few minor adjustments for tastes, have a pretty standard plan of attack to ensure they get the full Bangkok experience. An 18-year-old is a different story. And a straight 18-year-old boy who is looking to have his cherry popped is a story of a totally different color. And it’s not pink. I was a bit stumped figuring that beyond booze and broads, the enticements of the Land of Smiles for that age and level of testosterone, was pretty thin. Noom felt otherwise. Once I told him he’d be meeting another one of his family members, and why, it was like watching a kid in a candy store. The plans came fast and furious.

For it being his first international trip, Jake took the plane ride with stoic resolve. His only question was whether if once we were in international airspace it’d be legal for him to drink. Kids. Whatchya gonna do. So I got him plastered. Rather than listen to him whine. Uncles. Whatchya gonna do. But it set the tone for the next few days; he got to drink all he wanted and I got to dispense with baby-sitting duties once he’d past out. The only glitch in that plan came from the disapproving parent, which took on the form of Noom. For the first time in our history together, I allowed him to met me at the airport. Not that I had much of a choice. He was so excited about meeting Jake and about beginning his duties as host I doubt if I could have kept him away. To say he was less than pleased with me thanks to the kid’s inebriated state when we got off the plane is putting it mildly. Uncles-in-law. Whatchya gonna do.

I’ve always been the cool uncle, largely due to having so few boundaries in life and a ready willingness to encourage, if not help, my nephews to misbehave. One look at Noom and Jake’s estimations of me skyrocketed. I got a high-five for that one too. Which had to suffice because by the time we’d loaded ourselves into a taxi he’d past out again. No problemo. At least he got to avoid listening to Noom scold me the entire trip into town.

Jake is a big kid, well over six feet tall with a football player’s build even though the only football he plays is in video games. Unfortunately for him for our first night in town he was still 17. He coulda passed, coulda drank to his little heart’s content, but fresh from having my ear chewed off I played the adult for a change and told him he’d have to wait for his birthday the next day. With all of Noom’s plans for a birthday party, a non-stop “whaddabout . . . whaddabout . . . whaddabout,” I shoulda let him drink. And joined him. Instead we headed to Noom’s bar so he could show off his new nephew.

I’ve got to give the kid credit. He’d flown half way around the world to drool over little Asian chicks with big tits and our first night in town was spent at a bar filled with not only naked, but hard little Asian guys instead. He took it in stride and even managed to have a good time. I rewarded him by ensuring his lap was not one of those singled out for an up close and personal visit by a pair of copulating Thai guys. The only negative comment he made was during the Big Cock Show! when he leaned over and whispered, “Um, that’s not very big.”

We made an early night of it, at least Jake did. I got to spend several more hours once back in our hotel room listening to Noom plan Jake’s birthday for him. I finally convinced him that while a cake would be a nice gesture, and a party at his bar overkill, that what the kid really wanted was pussy. We finally agreed a shopping trip to MBK the next day so he could pick out a gift from Noom might suffice. And it did once Jake got a load of all the bootleg games for sale. He and Noom spent an hour consulting with each other on which were the best, and then decided to drop me back at the hotel so the two of them could head to Noom’s loom for hours of gaming. That, btw, became ‘our’ daytime activity for the rest of the trip.

The big night finally arrived, and after a late dinner at Condoms & Cabbages (a somewhat low key reminder of the need to play safe) we headed to Nana Plaza to start the night out at Cascade. Young, strapping, and a quick learner regarding the benefits of being a big tipper, Jake was a hit with the girls. Noom too was enjoying himself, even more so once it dawned on him that Jake didn’t realize the girls weren’t. Hey, I promised not to set him up with a ladyboy, not to not take him to a bar full of them. The joke didn’t last long. Noom couldn’t contain himself. And Jake finally figured out what his braying laughter of “She not real!” meant. But it did teach him the dangers of over-indulging in alcohol while on the hunt for pussy in Bangkok.

We hit a few more bars in Nana with Jake quickly figuring out by Noom’s giggling which were ladyboy bars and managing to avoid having that experience again. And then headed down to Soi Cowboy where the third sex is less well represented and where Noom suddenly remembered he was straight. Shame for him that it wasn’t his birthday. Jake had been enjoying looking at all the girls, but finally remembered the purpose of his visit, and after getting Noom’s approval picked out a cute young girl who despite her outfit on stage managed to not look like a pro. I don’t know if it was his intention to play it cool, but once I’d paid the bar fine, Noom carefully explained to her Jake’s status as a freshly minted hetro and gave her detailed instructions on how he expected her to treat Jake. Considering the smile on Jake’s face the next morning, she must have taken direction well.

The next night we hit the bars in Patpong. Jake, already a connoisseur of female flesh on display, was less than impressed saying he’d just as soon go hit the ladyboy bars in Nana. But our proximity to Soi Twilight allowed for another visit to Noom’s bar, and the little party planner finally got to throw the birthday bash he’d envisioned. I’m sure since returning home Jake has regaled all of his envious friends with his tales of touring the red light districts of Bangkok. But I doubt he has told any of them about having a stage full of Thai guys in their underwear singing happy birthday while he blew out the candles on his cake. What he wished for wasn’t hard to guess. We made a quick exit and an even quicker beeline back to Soi Cowboy where he offed the same little hottie he’d had thee night before. Maybe it’s genetics. I’m expecting to run across a blog with a series of his posts, I Fell In Love With A Bar Girl, any day now.

On our last night in town we dispensed with surveying the bars we’d not yet hit and headed back for Jake’s third and final act with the new love of his life. Newly confident in knowing the night’s ending would be a happy one, there was less of a rush to get to the good part and we partied on Soi Cowboy into the early hours of the morning before hitting G.O.D. to finish the night off. The most expensive part of the night was the bribe I had to pay to a tuk tuk driver to let Jake drive his contraption back to our hotel. As scary of a ride as a tuk tuk careening down the street at 3am can be, it’s even worse with a white boy at the wheel. Especially one in lust and headed home to get laid.

I think I now know where Thailand got its nickname of The Land of Smiles, months later when I mention Bangkok to Jake that shit-eating grin that spreads across the width of his face says it all. And his younger brother is anxiously waiting, and counting down to, his turn at the bat in two years. Noom is just as anxiously looking forward to that date and his chance to meet another one of his family members. My dad still doesn’t know there is a bar boy in Bangkok who loves him, but I’m expecting Jake’s Grandpa will soon; Noom and Jake text and email each other frequently – Jake calls to tell me Noom said Hi quite often – and Noom always sends along his love to the rest of his family in America. The only downside to the trip is that I think I lost my status of being the cool uncle.

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