Spring has finally sprung and with the change of seasons the thoughts of young men turn to penis. At least young gay men, though I suspect that still holds true for young straight men too because the one thing we all share in common is a heavy preoccupation with all things dick. And you can scratch the ‘young’ too, seniors are just as enamored with thoughts of dick. Come to think about it, while the commencement of Spring is a handy excuse, it really doesn’t matter what the season is or what the weather is like either. So you can ignore the seasonal reference too. ‘Cuz guys think about dick 24/7, 365 days of the year.

Granted, for some – especially those who think they are straight – those thoughts are about their dick and not the dick of others that they would like to touch, taste, feel, or gaze upon. But even among those whose primary fascination is with what hangs between their own legs, their thoughts too often include concerns over what other guys are packing. How well you measure up, or fail to, is a concern not limited to those of us who know what to do with one regardless of its size. Straight guys like to try to convince themselves their interest is really all about pleasing the ladies, but those mental images stirred by their thoughts never seem to include a picture of vagina. Just sayin’.

That size matters seems to be a given. As does that bigger is always better. But historically, the beauty of men was not always defined by length. At least not by prodigious length. The ancient Greeks considered smaller members the ideal of manhood. Wee willys were culturally seen as desirable in a man, whereas humongous hunks of manmeat were viewed as comical or grotesque, and usually found on half-animal critters such as satyrs, barbarians, and fertility gods such as Priapus who was usually depicted as a dwarfish man with a huge penis, statues of which were traditionally set up in vegetable plots to promote fertility with the added benefit of functioning as a scarecrow to frighten birds away.

Though admittedly that may have had more to do with being Greek and providing the low point of the bell curve. The ancient Romans too were as fond of Priapus as they were of their own peni, but instead of being a subject of ridicule he was much admired. A popular depiction of the god with the god-like cock shows him weighing his large erect penis against a bag of gold. Which may provide a historical basis for why so many punters in Thailand think buying their boy du jour gold is the right thing to do.

When it came to the question of whether bigger really was better, the ancient world ignored the Greeks and their short comings and replied with a resounding, “Yes!” One of the tales included in Arabian Nights is called Ali with the Large Member, a story about two young cattle herders, one of whom helps his buddy out by talking about the dude’s prodigious member where his friend’s employer’s wife can conveniently overhear the conversation. That tall tale is enough to convince her to take him as her lover. Even in the bible – which with all that begetting going on seldom makes mention of dick – some saintly man managed to include a reference to Egyptians “whose members were like those of donkeys.” In fact, with the exception of the Greeks and a few pygmy tribes out of Africa, it’s difficult to not find reference to manly-sized members in any ethnicity’s tales and legends.

And that makes sense. Straight guys, in reality, are just as obsessed with big dicks as are gay guys. But the gays get labelled with the size queen moniker. Why? Because gay guys put their money where their mouth is: according to The Relation Between Sexual Orientation and Penile Size – a recently published study by Dr. Anthony Bogaert of Brock University in Ontario, Canada and Dr. Scott Hershberger of California State University-Long Beach – homosexual stiffies are one-third of an inch longer than straight peni are. And our chubs are chubbier too.

The duo’s phallus findings are based on archived data from 5,122 measurements of men’s best buddies obtained by the Kinsey Report. The average size of an erect penis measured in at just under six inches among straight men and just over 6 1/3” among the gays. So it’s not just that gay men like larger peni, but that we happen to own them too. Which might help explain the findings of a study undertaken at Utrecht University that discovered that the majority of gay men regard a large penis as ideal, and having one is proportionally linked to self-esteem.

The problem with that bit of research is that it focused on just gay men and what they thought of their dicks. Had they included our straight brethren in their study I suspect they would have instead concluded that all men, straight or gay, prefer a large dick and are much more self-confident for having one. Face it, you never hear a guy – regardless of his sexual orientation – complain that his dick is too big.

This stream of consciousness was stirred by two news items I ran across last week. The first, widely reported in the press, was about a study out of the Australian National University that concluded women find men with big dicks more attractive than those of lesser stature. At least women in Australia do. And it wasn’t just that the fish liked bigger bait overall that caught everyone’s attention. The women in the study ranked their level of attractiveness for each picture of a naked man they were shown and for every additional inch in penis size their ranking moved upward on the scale.

So you can add women to the list of gay and straight men who prefer quantity over quality. Which pretty well means every human being on the planet, given the choice, likes the big ‘uns. Not that you really needed any of these scientific studies for proof. That seems to be a bit of universal wisdom. Which brings me to the second current event.

Late last February, a 38-year-old woman from Jakarta drowned her nine-year-old son in the bath, claiming she was worried that his “small penis” would affect his prospects for the future. Moms told the police her son had a small penis prior to being circumcised, but that it appeared to shrink even further after the operation. The story did not note if her judgment of size was determined before or after she threw him in a tub full of cold water. It did, however, note that while the woman was fully conscious of what she had done, the police ordered a psychological test to assess her mental state anyway. Anywhere else in the world, she would have been up for a share of some grant money.

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