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Perhaps it is because fantasy plays such a pivotal role in many visitor/bar boy relationships that the claims about bar boys you so often hear are so fantastical. For those who have visited Thailand many times and who have indulged frequently, the myths perpetuated on the message boards and on some blogs are not a problem. They know it is often nothing more than the disgruntled and disenfranchised proving how miserable their little world really is. For newbies these often repeated tales can be problematic. Not knowing better they buy into what they have read. That can easily lead to a holiday that is not the incredible experience it could have been.
Over a hundred years ago, Rudyard Kipling wrote, “Oh, East is East and West is West, and never the twain shall meet.” His observation about the vast cultural differences between the two areas is still applicable today. Those who visit, or live in Thailand, who ignore the country’s culture or who filter everything through their own upbringing, rarely come to valid conclusions about Thais, their customs, or what motivates them. And often miss out on those things that make Thailand so unique and special. Unfortunately, those same folk often post their opinions as gospel truth when in fact they really don’t have a clue.
The lazy – and those with a predilection for dishonesty – repeat what they’ve heard or read, erroneously adding to misconceptions, often for no better reason than to appear as though they have a greater degree of knowledge than they really do. It’s a shame that type of puffery exists, but then overinflated egos being what they are, it’s not really that surprising either. It’s just too bad that there are not warnings posted on the forums alerting newbies to which posters’ info should be taken with a grain of salt. Or a similar warning on the blog of those who attempt to pass off fictitious flights of fancy as truth.
Recently, there was a thread started on several of the boards, ‘The Boy Didn’t Even Say Thank You!’, that was a nicely thought out piece about why Thai culture does not provide for what is a common courtesy in the Western world. The boards being what they are, follow up comments included similar thoughts – which extended to customs surrounding the receiving of gifts – from those members who tend to be rational as well as in-tune with Thai cultural norms; ridiculous claims by Pattaya sexpats that only serve to show how narrow of a world they live in; and, what has to be one of the most unintentionally humorous posts of the year (so far).
A querulous old fart who abandoned his wife and kids to move to Pattaya to spend his golden years paying for sex with young boys said that he demanded his boy always verbally thank him and that he must make sure his mates did so too whenever the sexpat took them somewhere. That resulted, he bragged, in a group of boys lining up to say their thanks one night when he took them all out to the movies. Those heart-warming expressions of gratitude, he noted, were due to his boy’s insistence that his friends bow to the farang’s demands, and that they were offered with ‘military precision’. He felt that it was his right to put his cultural needs in the forefront and was proud of having done so while missing the fact that whether it is a thanks or a wai, it is the sincerity of the gesture that really matters. I’m sure the boys all got a good laugh over his antics too. That’s probably what they were actually thanking him for.
The same type of sexpat contributes frequently to the Walking ATM Syndrome myth too. There is little doubt that in their world bar boys really are only interested in money and view all farang as cash machines. Perpetuating that particular caricature is popular on the forums. Those who view all bar boys as paid-for sex toys share that belief. Seldom do they realize that it is their attitude that the unfortunate boys whom they’ve come into contact with are responding too. If you view your time with a bar boy as a sex for cash transaction . . . uh, just what do you expect? The follow through is that these guys are rarely happy with the boy they off. It amazes them that the boys are so often duds. Imagine that.
Is the money-grubbing bar boy nothing more than an urban myth? Of course not. As with most tall tales, there is some truth mixed in with a lot of fantasy. Bar boys work at gogo bars because it is a job. Not because they want to service ancient farang. They do so for the money. How much money though often depends on the farang and how he has treated the boy. When it is all about the farang and his needs, no one should be surprised that the boy’s response is to push his own needs: cash. It really isn’t that different from why back home a garbage man makes more than a school teacher. The more disgusting the job, the higher the wage. When you off a guy and treat him like a piece of meat, you shouldn’t be surprised if he treats you like a cash dispensing machine. But then telling everyone else that all bar boys are just in it for the cash is a disservice to both the boys and to those who don’t know better. That may be your experience, but more pleasant souls have a much more enjoyable time and are seldom treated as a road to financial largess.
The myth that purports bar boys all have a stable of unsuspecting farang who send them large amounts of cash on a monthly basis is almost as popular and frequently used as a warning against any farang entering into a relationship with a bar boy. From reading the boards and blogs you’d think there are rich bar boys all over Thailand living large off the ‘allowance’ a dozen poor fools from the West send to them. But if you stop and think this urban myth through, you’ll quickly realize how ridiculous this claim really is.
There is no doubt that a bar boy who spends some time with a farang may later ask for financial help when the farang has returned home. It’s worth a try, even if the success rate is a low one. That same boy may even have met several farang over the years who may, for example, send him a few bucks for his birthday or as a Christmas gift. If he is lucky and has met a farang with whom he has developed an on-going relationship, he might even hit the jackpot and receive a small monthly stipend from his friend. But lining up a half dozen or more Westerners who each send him several hundred dollars every month? It makes for a good story but in reality would be quite a feat. Bar boys don’t make close to 50,000 baht a month working in their bar. And they certainly don’t pull in that kind of money from funds being sent to them from overseas farang. Foolish ones or not.
As prevalent as that tale is, you never hear it recounted in the first person. It’s always about some other guy who discovered his special friend was taking him and another six guys to the cleaners; it’s always the infamous ‘friend of a friend’ whose experiences are told about. Or the even more ridiculous claim that a bar boy – whom the teller of tall tales just met – told him about all the pitiful fools he’d been swindling. Because that, of course, would actually happen. We all known Thai bar boys love nothing more than confessing their nefarious deeds to a farang. Especially one who is a complete stranger. Anyone who attempts to pass that story off as truth is obviously genetically unsuited for the task and should instead devote his efforts toward producing the fictional fantasies his soul is more attuned to . . . sort of how a dog might concentrate on fetching a stick instead of trying to drive a car.
The guys who like to perpetuate these myths never claim to be one of the unsuspecting, though at least doing so would add some legitimacy to their fiction. Because it really is about nothing more than making bar boys look like crooks. Which I guess is supposed to make the farang appear superior. You have to wonder if they are trying to fool others, or are only fooling themselves.
The erroneous myths that the disingenuous like to keep alive play heavily on the cultural differences between those from the western world and native Thais (those tales are always about farang – guys from North America, Europe, and Australia – and never about other Asians). It’s easier to believe those who do not share your cultural upbringing are so different from you that they should never be trusted and should always be assumed to be up to no good. Rather than try to understand a different culture, it’s much easier to lump those different from you into a group and then make grand pronouncements full of sweeping generalizations. Even when doing so actually shows how much racism is in your heart.
Kipling’s opening line from The Ballad of East and West is often repeated to validate the differences in culture between those from the East and West. The ending two lines of that refrain don’t get as much press, unfortunately; they paint a much different picture: “But there is neither East nor West, Border, nor Breed, nor Birth, When two strong men stand face to face, though they come from the ends of the earth!” Trying to understand someone raised in a different culture than yours is a noble effort if not always a successful one. But in the end, cultural differences or not, basic human needs, attributes, and morals are the same the world over. You do not need to understand the culture of someone you’ve just met to acknowledge their worth as a fellow inhabitant of this planet. Or to understand who they are or what motivates them.
Those lines by Kipling have a bit of a karma equation to them too – easy to overlook – that provides some insight into the character of the farang who disrespect Thai culture and ignore Thai customs, or who would have you believe every Thai bar boy is a thief. He cites the resulting similarities between ‘two strong men’ of different cultures, which is about strength of character, not physical strength. Those lacking in that attribute seldom see it in others. Or if you prefer the ramblings of a syphilitic German philosopher to explain the warped minds of disgruntled farang – when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you.
There are a lot of sexpats and frequent visitors to Thailand who’ve spent far too much time staring into the black hole that is their soul. It’s no wonder their perspective of others is so distorted.
Honesty is a honored characteristic everywhere in the world. It’s just a shame so many farang fail to practice it. You have to wonder about the myths bar boys believe about farang thanks to those who have misbehaved in the past. And hope they are not as faulty as some of the myths perpetuated by farang about them.
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lukylok said:
Your quote : “The question is not if you can trust him but rather if he can trust you” is absolutely to the point.
I am fed up with all those sob stories : usually the thai young men are far more trustworthy than their farang “friends”.
There are bad apples everywhere, but certainly no more in Thailand than in Farangland.
And after many many visits, I can say that I have been given more than I gave, unless money is the only thing of any worth in your life !
Bangkokbois said:
Yup, you hit that one on the head Lucky – the guys who spread those tales invariably are those who complain about drink/off/tip costs. Because to them money is really all that matters.
Alex said:
When I was young and needed the money, I was quite cozy with a certain bar girl and she made me help her with sending her money requests (by email) to various gullible farang who were then back home, in exchange for the occasional bowl of rice and bottle of Black Label (I’d say free sex, but that would sound even less likely). Let me just say this: I was surprised how many guys actually sent money, no small amounts either, and I’d be even more surprised if boys couldn’t do what girls can. 😉
So instead of calling such stories ‘myths’ without a grain of truth, I think many of them qualify as ‘unfair generalizations’. For example, let’s say a rather small group of drug-addicted freelancers notoriously commit crimes. From one storyteller to the next, an incident with such a freelancer will have been perpetrated by a ‘Thai boy’, a ‘money boy’ or a ‘bar boy’, whatever.
Bangkokbois said:
That there are bar boys, money boys, etc. who email farang for cash is not surprising. Nor is that they are sometimes successful. The myth is that all of them routinely do so and that many manage to line up a slate of farang who send a monthly stipend. If that were true there would be little reason for them to show up to work at the bar nightly. And those that did would only agree to be offed by men who were rich enough to become a future source of monthly funds. Which if true would mean there is no reason for Pattaya and its hordes of cheap bastards to exist.
I think you are probably right, that a small group doing so has been perpetuated into the standard that all bar boys are crooks and living off the big bucks those few actually managed to get their hands on. That’s why I call it a myth. It’s just a shame that that is always the story told when there ar far more honest guys out there than dishonst ones.
But then like I said, that has more to do with those who tell those storeis than it does with bar boys.
Tyler said:
That is why I quit visiting the forums. Too many unhappy old sods whining about drink costs, bad bar boys and duds while my experience has been the opposite. If they want to be miserable they should keep it to themself. A bunch of old queens mumbling among themselves is what they are. Anyone who wants to keep spreading the bar boys are thieves lie should stay away from Thailand and let the rest of us enjoy ourselves.
Bangkokbois said:
Yup, but then there is a reason for the continued popularity of that old adage “Misery loves company”.
Al said:
The book title I forwarded to you is a great example of the workings you discuss here. The quirks, the losing or gaining face and the multitude of differences and tolerances between farang and bar boy. Rough Diamond trilogy by Robert Bell is a fun, absorbing if sometimes drawn out look at this subject from different points of view.
You really should read it purely for entertainment if nothing else.
Bangkokbois said:
Thanks for the reminder Al.
I think anyone who is gonna spend more time with a bar boy than for a simple rub and tug does themselves a disservice by not trying to gain at least a rudimentary understanding of the culture they are dealing with. Though I suppose for some it’s more fun to just bad mouth Thais in an attempt to make themselves look better.
taospeaks said:
I just loved this post! My last visit to Thailand was in 1987 but it appears nothing has changed; I never went to Pattaya because the farangs I met in BKK were so depressing and negative I didn’t want to be contaminated.
Gee, I was tipping 2,000 Baht back then, and drinks and fees weren’t much different then as they are now. One night I sat and did some math…
Lets see, one bar 30 barboys 10 customers…..hmmm, even if all 10 customers offed a boy and tipped him the going rate, that leaves 17 going home alone (one customer offed three that night). How many orgasms can a bar boy have in a night? So even if a bar boy focussed on only short time customers, he is only getting one a night.
Maybe 3 offs a month. That worked out to roughly $100 or $150 a month in income.
Seems like a lot of work to me! Never could figure out how anyone would assume that bar boys are getting rich off of them.
I always had fun in BKK, even the very first time I went where the first night I ended up at a “fish” brothel (well, I am here, might as well give it a try! Didn’t leave until I had three of the girls). Or the next night when I called an escort service who sent over a guy who was expecting to have sex with a female. That was a little disappointing for both of us, but we went out to eat, and he was smart enough to take me to the gay bars (hoping that I would please find someone else) and he did a fine job! He got tipped even those the service he provided was not what I had ordered….
Yep, from then on I will have to admit I was never dissatisfied, always had a blast every night, never got ripped off or felt my life was in danger, and made lots of friends….
I am sure that there are bad bar boys but then again make like attracts like or maybe you get what you give….
Bangkokbois said:
Thanks Tao, I think you are correct – you do get back exactly what you put out there. Even sadder are those who perpetuate these types of myths when it’s not from a personal experience. Or it is a totally fabricated one.
tany said:
im sorry if my question sound offensive..but how do you know that you are the special one in this kind of relationship..as you dont know whether they are treating you the same like the others….
Bangkokbois said:
That’s not an offensive question Tany, it’s a good one.
You don’t.
And does it matter?
What is special in the relationship between you two has nothing to do with anyone else or what they may share with him.
Unless you are taking care of all of his financial needs in life, he will still have to work, and will still have to go with other customers. That’s just a fact of life.
Even, let’s assume he really is the one out of a thousand who has seven farang sending him money every month . . . so what? How does that change what the two of you share?
Obviously the concern then would be if you are being taken advantage of. But then anything you send him is because you wanted to, not just because he asked. So that’s really more about what doing so does for you than it is about what it does for him.
tany said:
thanks..it’s just that i want to have corresponding level when i treated someone special..i need him to treat me as the special one as well..anyway there’s a wisdom in your answer that i should not doubt my self with what other people say…thanks again 🙂
Bangkokbois said:
I think I breezed over the ‘special’ part of your original comment Tany. Still pretty much the same answer, but I do get where you are coming from.