English is not an easy language to learn. Talk to any average American these days and you’ll see what I mean. We have too many words that sound the same but mean something different, too many words that should not sound the way they do considering how they are spelled, and too many words that native English speakers have decided should sound differently than tradition dictates (‘Ta’ being a good example. That word used to be ‘the’. If you need to hear it used in a sentence, listen to any speech by our country’s current greatest orator and you’ll see what I mean.)

Politically and geographically (almost) the states of our country are united. Linguistically, traveling from state to state is like visiting a foreign land. Meanings of common words change. Pronunciation vary so widely that it is often difficult if not impossible to understand what someone from a different end of the country is saying. Throw in the British version of our language – and seriously, why don’t they just get their own language? – not to mention what the Aussies do to it and you have to wonder why English is considered the international language.

Ignorance plays a role in the poor use of the English language too. Okay, ignorance plays a major role in the poor use of the English language. And I’m not talking about a certain segment of society that insists that the word is ‘axe’ and not ask. That’s cultural. Vocabulary used to be a basic part of our schools’ curriculum. Now kids don’t even know what that word means. Before I start sounding like a crotchety old fart, the example that first springs to mind is my mother, a woman in her late 80s who – regardless of the number of times I’ve corrected her – still thinks the fleshy part around the teeth in your mouth are called gooms.

Her continued insistence on pronouncing the word incorrectly isn’t so much about ignorance now as it is about obstinance. The bigger question is how she managed to go through eighty years of visits to the dentist without someone having corrected her in the past. You’d think with that many people flapping their gums, someone would have said, “Oh, by the way . . .”

A regular reader recently questioned my use of the word ‘rap’ as in someone gaining a bad rap. Not a native English speaker, he suggested that perhaps I meant rep – short for reputation. Concerned that I’d been using the wrong word all these years I Googled it. Just to make sure. And Google praised me for having such an extensive vocabulary. Had the opposite been true, I would have been thankful that said reader caught my misuse of the word. I would not have been offended by being corrected. But please do not take that as an open invitation to let your pendantic soul soar.

But that does bring me back to my mom’s gums, which are pretty damn healthy for such an old bag. I can only assume no one in the dental profession ever corrected her use of the word out of concern of offending her. Which is not the norm for Americans. We offend people all the time. It may even be our country’s favorite pastime. In Thailand, however, it is a different story.

Good-hearted newbies to Thailand quickly run across glaring examples of bad English. I believe there is a law on the books in Thailand that require all restaurant menus to contain at least one example. Most are good for a laugh. My favorite is the tropical drink known in Phuket as a Mai Thai. Good-hearted newbies, not knowing better, often do the right thing and point out the error. Because you would assume anyone who is attempting to learn and use a language that is not their native tongue would appreciate the assist. Years later, after numerous trips to Thailand and numerous times of having tried to help a local with his or her use of English, they discover that not only are their corrections not appreciated, but that to most Thais correcting them is the same as calling them stupid. It’s a face thing. Which never has anything to do with logic.

Part of the problem is the native English speakers who really shouldn’t attempt to use their mother tongue. Click in to any thread on one of the gay Thailand forums if you need an example. Thais assume farang speaking English are experts at it and adopt the bad English they hear. The problem is that once a Thai has decided something is right, they will never agree to it being wrong. Because that would mean all of the times they used an English word incorrectly they were being stupid. Stupid seems to be one of the English words that all Thais know. It’s a close second to ‘free’, a word that does not even appear in their own language.

English as a second language (ESL) used to be big business in Thailand. Not so much anymore. The interest in learning English has waned right along with the value of English-speaking countries’ currencies. That may be a good thing. Thai English teachers were notorious for teaching improper English and refusing to be corrected. If you think correcting an average Thai is bad, correcting a teacher is even worse. They are held in high regard, telling a teacher he or she is wrong is damn close to calling a member of the royal family a bad name. And if you have ever been stupid enough to do so – the teacher thingy not the royal ‘cuz that one would land you in jail – you probably heard one of the favorite English phrases in the Thai language: “Yes, but in Thailand we say . . .”

Smiling at, and sometimes getting a chuckle out of, errors in English by Thais is a lesson we all learn. Sometimes not quick enough. I have learned, by error, to only correct my friend Noom’s English when he asks. I can also get away with it when he’s trying out a new phrase that he learned from TV. There is some god awful Thai sit-com that he likes that runs a daily English lesson during one of its commercial breaks. Since he is in learning mode, if his pronunciation is off I can correct him then. If the language less is the one at fault I’ve learned to just ignore it. Because obviously if it wasn’t correct it wouldn’t be on TV. Your best rule of thumb in Thailand is to keep your English to yourself.

So I was a bit surprised when we took a quick peak at what was going to be his new place of work, Ocean Boys, the revamped and renovated version of Future Boys that suffered not too much of a future. They had prepared a flyer to hand out along the soi alerting one and all to their grand opening. And the manager handed me a copy asking if the English phrasing was correct. I was amazed. That he asked. Not at that several of the sentences were a garbled attempt at the language. Being the nice guy that I am, I thought before opening my mouth, wanting to offer corrections as a suggestion rather than the corrections they were. Until I felt Noom’s foot tapping mine. He didn’t know that the English was wrong, but did know I was about to commit a social faux pas. Instead of suggesting a better way of saying what they’d come up with, I congratulated them on the wonderful flyer they’d produced. Which was really what they wanted to hear in the first place.

Noom is a great mimic and when he hears me using English that he likes the sound of he adopts those words for his use. And passes them on to his bar mates too. So some of the improper English you hear bar boys in Bangkok us are my fault. I have a fondness for coining my own English words. Noom knows touri. But that one won’t spread because Thais already have a word for that: customer. But I think I’ll introduce the word gooms to him. Then if my mom ever visits Thailand she’ll feel right at home.

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