In the U.S. we call them vacations. The rest of the world uses the word holiday. While as a true American I refuse to step over the line into the world of metrics, I abandoned ‘vacation’ for ‘holiday’ the first trip I took where everyone else referred to their vacation that way. A vacation is time away from work or school. A holiday on the other hand is something to celebrate. A holiday just sounds more festive. Regardless of which word you use, having a good time is the whole point. But then a good time for some is not what would be considered a good time by others.

What? You thought I was kidding about using that intro paragraph again?

Anyway, I know I shouldn’t. And if I were a better person I wouldn’t. But since I’m not I will:

Dear Boo Hoo:

Thanks ever so much for your recent post On How To Avoid Being An Ugly American in which you detailed all of the little things U.S. travellers do that you find unacceptable. It is, after all, your holiday not theirs. If nothing else your article served as a reminder that vice-free people conflate a narcissistic instinct for self-preservation with moral superiority. Not to mention being experts at sucking the life right out of a party. And I thank you for that.

At first I was greatly concerned that you chose to single out my fellow countrymen as being the “unpleasant examples of humanity” of whom you wrote, but I commend you for quickly pointing out that those who fail to measure up to your standards encompass people of all nationalities, cultures, and races. It warms my heart to know that you are so open to other’s faults that you can recognize those you find ‘offensive, loud, and boorish” not only within narrowly defined geographical borders but spread across the entire globe.

It was enlightening to read how others whose “personal Pandora’s box of less-desirable facets of themselves” are so obvious at fault for failing to learn how to act as a gracious guest of the country they’ve decided to visit. And your example – complete with photo! – of the type of human garbage of whom you wrote was spot on. Just imagine how much better the world would be if those three gentlemen you found so offensive in deportment had they not forced the local populace to open establishments that serve cheap alcohol and offer cheap whores (oooops! My bad: ‘rented admirers’) BTW, I’m sure that photo was taken with your standard “smile and nod” asking permission to snap it and post their image on the internet because you’ve told us you always get your subject’s permission to do so. Not that a bunch of louts like that should ever be afforded such a common courtesy what with them being sub-human and all.

(And your “thought he was burping but that wasn’t the case” joke? Priceless. And a perfect example of the type of humor we should use when in a foreign land rather than our natural sense of humor which you have so rightly pointed out only confuses the poor natives, making us look like assholes and causing us to lose face in the telling. I am going to incorporate burping into all punch lines for any jokes I tell when travelling in the future.)

With the great unwashed now an integral part of the travel experience, it must be a bitch being you. It’s a good thing you don’t actually involve yourself by engaging with other touri directly, but rather stand back and mutter snippy comments over how they act and the things they do and say. Those who do not know better might claim that by interacting with your fellow travellers, even those the furthest from the standard of bearing you consider acceptable, you may well learn about how someone else thinks, why they choose to travel, or the pastimes they find enjoyable while on holiday. But that’s just plain stupid because we all know those people may be contagious and we certainly wouldn’t want to catch whatever it is they have.

Obviously Thailand needs to get on the ball and start providing travellers protection against Ugly Americans of all nationalities. How the government expects us to spend money in their country when a visit to a local market means having to suffer the “millions of balding, pot-bellied later-middle-aged male farang” who haggle with vendors just doesn’t makes sense. Surely they could set up some sort of beauty standard that visitors would have to meet before being allowed to enter into our presence. As for their uncivil behavior, I’m with you: they certainly deserve to encounter physical violence for being rude or not understanding how the local culture works. As you say, they certainly got what they had coming to them. I’d have to check but I’m fairly certain that is one of the basic tenants of Buddhism. In any case, I think we can all agree that caning needs to be brought back and used frequently. At least until the world recognizes that stoning is an acceptable punishment for boorish behavior.

There are few bloggers who are so honest that they can look into their own heart to discover the underlying problem with Ugly Americans, and I commend you for listing your own faults as an example (a bad childhood, an inferiority complex the size of a Buick, your weekly dose of monthly cramps, your shame over having such a small penis, and your outstanding record of your inability to hold a civil relationship together). It takes a brave man to offer up such an indictment of ones own failings, one that covers both physical and mental disorders. Bravo, Sir. Bravo.

Your article, which at first glance would seem to be a indictment against all travellers who dare to smile and enjoy themselves – or as you call them “pig-headed fools being miserable and freely willing to visit their misery on anyone within reach, figuratively or literally” – is in fact a perfect example of the use of irony, though I fear you may have played the bitter old man card a bit too heavily and that irony may have been lost on most readers. But then they are probably Ugly Americans anyway, so who cares.

Ending your informative article with a citation of the Golden Rule – do unto others as you would have others do unto you – was a stroke of genius and reminds us all that there is no better way to ensure that your travel is a rewarding experience than by finding and pointing out the faults of other travellers, those who smoke, drink, go out whoring (apologies, but ‘go out rented admiring’ just doesn’t flow), speak loudly, laugh frequently, and make friends with other travellers – many of whom are no doubt Ugly Americans – because by showing your obvious displeasure with their behavior – and everything about them – they may then finally wise-up and become sanctimonious pricks too. And then they will finally discover themselves just how enjoyable and rewarding travel can be.

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