On the off chance Mitt For Brains wins the presidency come November 6 – don’t scoff, on that date we could coincidently collide with a parallel universe where that could actually happen – it’s time to start ramping up to be one of the 1%ers, ‘cuz obviously that’s the only way you’d survive the coming four years. With that in mind, and knowing how difficult it is for the nouveau riche to spend their money both wisely and in a tasteful manner – dropping a few hundred thousand on a car elevator for example is just sooo gauche – as well as knowing as a gay man your interests will always be along the sexual lines, I’ve found you the perfect bauble to purchase in celebration of your new lifesytle, a little friend for you or your loved one (that’d be the bottom you do most often) from Australian jeweler Colin Burn. The Pearl Royale is an exquisite hand-crafted jewel incrusted vibrator, and one can be yours for a mere million bucks.

Forget those starving children in Africa – though you can but a few of those too with your pocket change – nothing says “I got mine, and I’m gonna get it again and again” like a lavish vibrator cast in solid platinum, embellished with over 1,000 sparkling white diamonds, royal blue sapphires, lustrous South Sea pearls and the finest pink diamonds on the planet. Burn together with his business partner Nicole Gallus, who aimed to take the sex-toy industry upscale by creating the world’s most expensive dildo, carefully considered both form and function in their creation’s design; the pearl at the top serves double-duty as both an on/off and speed-control button and detachable necklace.

Burn, a silversmith from Broome, a town of 15,000 in northwestern Australia known for pearls harvested from the South China Sea, says “I find the jewelry industry stuffy and conservative. I want to be the jeweler who is not afraid to let go.” And whether cuming or going, his heavily jeweled vibrator fit for a queen – or any Republican’s wife whose husband permits her to use it – is guaranteed to bring almost as much pleasure as properly dealing with an uppity waiter at your favorite five-star restaurant*.

Combining the old-world charm of the crown jewels with the finest gemstones in the land, Burns spent over four years creating the world’s most luxurious sex toy. No detail was over-looked in manufacturing the Pearl Royale, even the diamonds are ‘flush set’ to be gentle enough for even the fussiest queen’s private parts. Available in a very limited edition and mainly marketed to Asian customers, if you have enough money to buy one of these beauties, then you already have hired someone who’ll know where to purchase one.

* It is not enough to know how to spend your money as a 1%er, you need to know how to act like one too. And there is no better person to model yourself after than multimillionaire leveraged buyout king John Castle who was dining with his wife last January at Club Colette, an elite Palm Beach private dining club (restaurants are for the poor), when their waiter Paul Kucik made the unforgivable error of bringing them the check. Now it’s time to test you 1%er skills. Do you:

a. Only leave a 5% tip.

b. Get uppity and demand to speak to the manager.

c. Give him a good tongue lashing then break one of his fingers.

I know, silly question. Of course you break the little fucker’s finger. How else will these people ever learn? (By the way, if you answered C, but added that you’d then have the manager fired, you get bonus points. And a free set of AAA batteries for your Pearl Royale vibrator.)

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