“The first time it was nerve-racking. My hands were shaking a little bit. I mean, you can’t do those kinds of things in the United States.”

– Tim Tebow on the summer he spent playing with the penises of young men in the Philippines.

With football mania reaching its annual peak, it seemed like a good time to honor a man who likes to play with his pig skin, and its difficult these days to say gay and football in the same sentence without Tim Tebow springing to mind. Some of you may reach for the lube, others the closest barf bag, but what everyone seems to agree on is that Timmy plays for the pink team.

For those of you outside of the good ‘ole USA, first, we’re talking real football, not that girly game the rest of you call football. Second, Tebow’s been getting lots of press this year, not so much for his skill but more because he’s an out Christian. One of those who feels the need to share his religion with the world. Because religious beliefs, of course, are not a private matter and only count when you resort to ostentatious displays of your faith. But that’s cool. Tim makes sure everyone knows he is a good Christian. And while being so vocal about it, also lets us all know he’s a big ‘mo. If he wasn’t, he wouldn’t spend so much time on his knees.

God evidently is not as enamored with Timmy as Tebow is with his god. Or maybe just prefers the arm he blessed Tom Brady with. Sidelined for the big game, Timmy lost out on a championship ring. No problem, when you rack up the ‘might be gay’ points that Tebow scores, it’s an impressive touchdown.

If you queens out there who want to learn how to do camp right, go check out a Tim video on Youtube. Those hand gestures, that voice, that lisp . . . it’s only stereotyping when you are wrong. Even if his chosen career wasn’t one where you spend large amounts of time getting physical with bunches of hit sweaty men with a passion that borders on mania for tight ends.

There are just some things that gay men know point to a closeted boy. Tebow tackles those points to the extreme. A 24-year-old virgin? Really? That’s not about abstinence in honor of your religion, that’s about avoidance. Despite the non-stop proselytizing by the world’s most famous Jesus freak, it quickly becomes evident it’s not really his religion he wants to cram down your throat.

Hiding your sexuality behind your religion is not a new trick. It’s been used by closeted gay men for centuries. If you need to repress your natural urges, nothing works as well as using the ‘God says I can’t have sex’ ploy. Then it’s not the gay thing, it’s the god thing. And if you can’t have sex, then there’s no reason for you to not spend all of your time surrounded by men, it’s not so much a self-fulfilling prophecy as a means to an end. And male booty is the end that Timmy is all about.

The problem with Timmy’s claims about chastity and his high Christian morals is that he tries to have his cock and eat it too. A straight boy with high morals would be busy finding himself a good wholesome and upright woman to settle down with a raise a family. Tebow instead tweets skank Jessica Simpson “Hey can you possibly shoot me an email?” But then that’s more about finding a suitable beard than a suitable wife. And you have to wonder why this devout Christian would ‘Follow’ a chick who advertises her x-Rated vids on her Facebook page. But then maybe because being ‘Friends’ with Sean Cody would be giving the big secret away. Of course when Google returns 3.7 million results on a ‘Tim Tebow gay’ search, maybe that big secret isn’t so secret after all.

Fortunately for Timmy, he got to let his feminine side run wild during a SE Asia holiday in 2008 which he spent playing with young men in an impoverished rural area of the Philippines. Though Tim has no medical background, he also had no problem playing doctor with the young, dark skinned locals. During a visit to Uncle Dick’s Home – I kid you not – Timmy spent the day performing circumcisions.

Fellow University of Florida alumnus and aspiring doctor Richard “R.B.” Moleno says of ‘Dr. Tebow’, “You could see he was really into it.”

Sounding eerily like lovers of kiddie porn who brave the slums of SE Asia in search of young boys, Tebow said, “I don’t remember anybody crying. Those kids were so tough.”

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