Christmas is the one time of the year for many expats in Thailand when their body shape is appropriate for public display. It’s kind of a shame that Thais don’t embrace the Christmas holiday more. There’s a ready supply of Santas in Pattaya alone, more than enough to fill every Santa chair at every shopping mall throughout the Kingdom. But then again the idea of taking your children to sit on some old fat falang expat’s lap .. . well, Thais aren’t that dumb. They are not gonna subject their offspring to that ordeal. At least not without proper payment. Old Ho Ho ‘Mos don’t get a free ride in Thailand, even during the holiday season.

Whether we have the belly for the role or not, many of us play Santa during the Christmas period, and that means coming up with handfuls of small gifts to stuff stockings with. Treats and candy, small gifts and toys, useful gadgets and joke gifts, it’s a holiday chore to find enough suitable gifts to fill your friends’ and loved ones’ stockings come Christmas morning. Unless all the stockings you are filling belong to Pattaya expats. Then a few pounds of traditional coal ought to see you through the holiday nicely. For those a bit more deserving, the hunt for appropriate stocking stuffers is on. And we’re here to help with a few suggestions of holiday treats for your friends, lovers, and paid companions alike.

And what better stocking stuffer than a stocking to stuff your stuff into? Nice thing about being in Thailand is that a ready supply of XXS condoms can be found for your friends who are less of a man. But if you want to really show your love, pick up some of Louis Vuitton’s designer rubbers. At only $68 a pop (so to speak) these luxury designer brand condoms are all about a first-class lay. Even if he really isn’t. Available at Louis Vuitton stores in Bangkok and around the world, their smoky brown color will set off your boy d jour’s smoky brown skin quite nicely.

If you are stuffing a stocking for an expat, it might be a good idea to consider girth (no, think a little higher than that) and avoid the traditional chocolates and candies. Not that a load of carbs is necessarily the best way to go either, but your expat buddy probably tries to make his pension stretch by eating a lot of mac and cheese these days. The gift of some penis pasta will not only make those meals more memorable, but will also serve to remind him of all the penis available in town that he can only afford once a month. With luck. Yup, the holidays are all bout spreading good jeer.

Since the bar boys already think your expat buddies are all pigs, you can help them go whole hog and put a bit of sizzle in their love making with a gift of J&D’s BaconLube (www.baconlube.com). A few years ago J&D’s, the makers of BaconSalt and Baconnaise, posted an ad for BaconLube as an April Fool’s Day joke. The response was so humongous – their waiting list grew to over 3,000 people – they’ve now started selling the porcine fatty flavored personal lubricant. The perfect holiday gift for makin’ bacon for the sex pig in all of us!

Pattaya’s beaches are one of the world’s top spots for whale watching. Unfortunately, they’re all human whales. You could help them, and the rest of mankind, by stuffing an oversized beach towel in their Christmas stocking, but since it’s expats and not tourists we’re talking about as gift recipients, an even better idea is a beach towel with a more practical application. The Crime Scene Beach Towel will help your expat buddy zero in his landing as well as serve as a warning to passersby to keep a head’s up for flying falang. It may not quite be decking the halls with balls of holly, but it’s better than 300+ pounds of falang fat splattering across Pattaya’s streets.

Though Thais are small it’s still difficult cramming them into a Christmas stocking, but Santa needs his elves and your expats will be thrilled with a gift of a boy. And Neal, the new owner of SGT and owner of Happy Place in Pattaya, has offered free offs – with bar boy tip included – for the entire week of Christmas to all readers of Bangkokbois! You might want to pick up a few for yourself while you’re there.*

(Okay, not really. But a whole slew of guys just rushed out their door without reading this small print, and I’m sure Neal will be impressed with the long line of old farts impatiently waiting for his bar to open. Da Boss has quite the Christmas belly on him and I’m positive it’ll be doing the Ho Ho Ho thing when he realizes they all expect him to pay for their Christmas lay.)

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