tale of the tape

Perhaps measuring a different body part would convince you it’s time for a diet.

It’s just that you are fat.

Women will tell you the size of a guy’s best buddy doesn’t matter. Men are more honest. Size matters. More than anything else. The importance of not having a wee willie does not necessarily have anything to do with sex, it’s just that it’s the visible essence of our manhood. And real men have large dicks. Unfortunately, not all men are so blessed. And for many of them, they only have themselves to blame.

Mans’ primal need for a tool of substance has spawned a growth industry in pseudo-medical offerings dubiously claiming the ability of adding a few inches where it counts. And yet, most men ignore the one proven scientific method that matters on how we measure up. Being fat is not only unhealthy, but it makes your dick smaller, too.

Common sense would tell you, from a perspective of perspective, that rolls of fat encircling a penis produce an optical illusion that said peni is smaller than it really is. It’s the reverse of how large a guy’s dong appears when he’s a shorty where it doesn’t count. Of course, with the exception of chubby chasers, being obese probably means that finding anyone interested in seeing just how big your dick can get is gonna be a nonstarter in the first place.

Still, fat or not, the idea that something as common as being overweight could have a disastrous effect on the size of your best feature should make men sit up and take notice. And maybe do a few sit-ups at the same time. That it’s not just perspective but actual inches in jeopardy should sound an alarm. Can your fondness for overindulging in fatty foods result in the shrinking of your manhood? Is it possible that the more you eat means the less you become?

Yup, it does. And it smells like science to me.

When men gain weight – and we’re talking poundage here – they naturally deposit fat in their abdomen, which includes the area at the base of the penis. As their spare tire grows in size to become suitable for use on a 747, the roll of fat around their dick increases and eventually engulfs a portion of the organ – one inch for every 35 extra pounds. That is an incredible bit of scientific information that bears repeating, and highlighting in a paragraph of its own:

For every 35 pounds of extra weight you loose one inch in dick size.

banana dick

Too much of what's on top means to little of what's on the bottom.

Billboards need to be erected across the country with that simple message. I’m sure America’s obesity problem would quickly become a concern of the past. Men may ignore the extra poundage they put on as they age, but that trend would be immediately halted if they realized that along with the poundage dick shrinkage occurs. But then I always thought that the day that you look down and can no longer see your little buddy would be the day you adopt bulimia as a life-style. But I guess the old adage, out of sight out of mind, holds sway. America’s love affair with the Big Mac seems to rate of higher importance than mens’ love affair with their dicks. But then it’s not just American men who are blimping out, all Western societies are getting fatter. And becoming nations of dickless wonders.

Recent research reveals that one in ten British men are unable to see their penis because of their protruding bellies. The study surveying 2,000 men by weight-management specialists at LighterLife found that 43% hadn’t seen their penis in the last two years, without looking in a mirror or bending over, whilst 16% were unable to remember the last time they saw it. Even more astounding, it seems the diminishing of their dick was not of major concern. Rather than lose weight to be able to see their little buddy again, 34% of men would resort to creative shaving in order to make the length of their genitals appear larger, 19% would turn off the lights and 13% would even consider a penis pump before they’d be willing to engage in a bit of exercise and a healthier diet.

You’d think the specter of a smaller dick would be enough to scare men into dropping the extra pounds. But at least for the British, that isn’t enough. So consider then that those extra pounds are not only shrinking your dick but your masculinity too. Comprehensive research into the subject of weight and masculinity performed in Japan and Korea conclude that the entire body is impacted by weight gain and men undergo a process of feminization on their road to obesity. Hormones stored in fatty tissue turn into estrogen – the female hormone. That is why obese men have higher voices and their skin is more delicate. Not to mention the boob thing. But then maybe turning into a women is acceptable to those who don’t remember they have a dick in the first place. Ah well, bottoms up!

naked fat guy

Forget Where’s Waldo? Let’s instead play Where’s Willie?

Obesity, however, doesn’t just make your dick smaller and you more ladyboy like; all those extra pounds also impede sexual performance. Being overweight is commonly linked to atherosclerosis, or narrowing of the arteries, a primary cause of impotence. Additionally, fat men suffer from health problems, have difficulties maintaining relationships, suffer from prejudice at work, build up a surplus of female hormones, experience shortage of breath, have high blood pressure, and their fat laden diet results in blockage of blood vessels and diabetes soon raises its ugly little head – all enemies of the erection and sexual pleasure. Why so many men are willing to trade great sex for a box of Krispy Kremes is beyond me. I guess they grow so accustomed to cramming stuff into their mouth, having to eat a blue pill to be up for the job is not an issue. Even if what it produces is undersized.

Bloating out into a corpuscular monstrosity is becoming the norm; one-third of U.S. adults are obese and obesity is now the leading cause of death in America. The country’s obesity epidemic has ballooned over the past two decades. Twenty years ago, no state had an obesity rate above 15 percent. Today, more than two out of three states, 38 total, have obesity rates over 25 percent, and just one has a rate lower than 20 percent. The prevalence of obesity in United States is skyrocketing. And so are coronary heart disease, hypertension, diabetes and strokes. Dick size, however, is on the wan.

Health officials did a grand job spreading the word about the dangers of smoking, their efforts knocking the big C off the top spot of the list of reasons you are most likely to die in the U.S. Now, smokers are ostracized whereever they light up. When a fatty starts scowling and waving their pudgy hand in the air to deflect second hand smoke blowing their way always amuses me. That irony seems to be seldom noticed. The idea that a whiff of tobacco smoke is what’s gonna put you in the grave when you’re packing an extra few hundred pounds on you is a joke. But then smokers are easy to hate. Finding fault with human blimps is not as acceptable. Even health officials, rather than just admit it’s being fat that is the cause for so much illness and death, choose instead to go with the more politically correct term of “dietary, lifestyle and metabolic risks.”

Fat people have always been the brunt of jokes. I know, ‘cuz I tell a lot of them. But thanks to the world of politically correctness, making fun of fat people is a no-no these days. When you do, after everyone laughs, some well-meaning soul objects, reminding you that the recipient of your scorn may suffer from a medical condition. It’s not funny to make jokes about ill people. But then I’d always thought gluttony was a sin not an illness, so, my bad. Of course you have a better chance of winning the lottery than finding the one fatty out of a thousand whose underlying medical problem is the cause of all that blubber.

fat asians have small dicks

The result of being both Asian and obese.

Fat women have always offended me more than fat men. That’s probably sexist, but who cares? Fat women don’t have to be worried that the extra poundage will make their dicks smaller. In fact, since a lot of that fat goes to their tits, they are ahead of the game. You’d think fat women would face the same problem as fat men in finding willing sex partners, but black guys love big women. Which is a good thing because only a black man’s horse size dong would ever manage to achieve penetration.

I think one of the reasons fat guys don’t bother me is that there are enough hotties in the world that loosing one to the fat team doesn’t really impact my chances of scoring primo meat. That judging on a bell curve means for ever fat guy in the world my dick becomes that much larger ain’t bad either.

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