While I’m busy handing out bitch slaps, lets all put our hands together and up side the head of the stupid farangs who cruise the streets of Bangkok giving wais to every Thai they meet. Kids, sex workers, touts, street vendors, service personnel, doesn’t matter. They are in Thailand and in Thailand you wai.

No. You don’t. You idiot.

I cringe each time I see a farang wai in Thailand. And usually roll my eyes and shake my head. I suppose I should be more generous and just chalk it up to an ignorant touri attempting to echo Thai etiquette. But while the locals will pretty much ignore the effort, it’s a lot like a non-native trying to speak French in France: you’ll do it poorly, the locals really won’t appreciate it, and you’ll come off looking like a fool.

It’s easy to understand the first time visitor to the Kingdom picking up this nasty habit. On Day #1 they’ll be waied to a good hundred times. And the gesture is infectious. Especially when it is accompanied by one of those glorious Thai smiles. How can you not wai back? If they bothered to find out just an ounce of Thai culture before making their trip, however, they’d realize the result of their wai attempt is more like a pimpsmack upside the head than the gracious gesture they intended it to be.

Thai’s are big on saving face and being non-confrontational. So when a touri wais, they will not correct him, scold him, or ridicule him. Besides, that’s what I am here for. Their opinion of said touri, however, will drop quicker than Lindsay Lohan’s panties at a lesbian coke party. And seriously, there is nothing more ridiculous than the fat, dread-locked headed backpacker bobbing down Khaosan Road giving a wai to every tout, tuk tuk driver, street vendor, bell hop, and whore he passes.

But OK, ignorance amongst the uninitiated can be excused with a laugh. The repeat visitor who has tried to go native, and should know better, is a different story. My problem with these guys is their air of superiority, their desperate desire to demonstrate they are ‘in the know’ when the exact opposite is true. And yeah, I’m talking about the fat old sex tourist who gives a wai to every bar boi he meets. The only time you should ever wai to a bar boi is when his cock is between your palms and you are about to deep throat him.

If you are not Thai it is doubtful you will ever master the intricacies of the wai. What looks like the same gesture to the Western eye, is in reality countless variations on the theme. The level the hands are at, the degree of bow, it all has significance to a Thai. And honestly, you will never get it right.

The only time a touri should attempt a wai is to a senior monk (both in status and age), a member of the royal family (like you’d ever meet one), a high level member of parliment (see royal family), an elderly person of at least your social status (that’d be like 70, unless you are older than that), possibly your Thai friend’s parents if they are older than you (but ask him first and get instructions, too), and to one of those wai giving Ronald McDonald statues (‘cuz it will crack your Thai friends up).

If your mama raised you to be polite, a smile and a nod of the head is an appropriate response when a Thai wais to you. The wrong wai back negates their polite gesture and is akin to a sweet smile while saying, “fuck you”.