A recent poster’s trip report on SGT turned into a rant about women in Bangkok’s gay gogo bars. That’s not a new subject. It’s one of the forums’ perennial favorites, often championed by those who faint at the sight of vagina. According to this poster, Soi Twilight is now teeming with the ladies, with more than half of the bars’ patrons being made up of the fairer sex. And somehow, though they are there “to scoff” they all end up offing all the bar boys before the poor picked upon gay clientele get the chance.

He went on to decry the practice of what are supposed to be gay venues now catering to the straight crowd. And suggested the only possible answer is for gays to abandon the soi, to take their pink dollars elsewhere, to start again somewhere new, somewhere where after flying thousands of miles under-appreciated gay men can find and “maintain a space for themselves in a world where such space is scarce and I think getting scarcer.”

Huh.

With Gay Pride Month a calendar page flip away and numerous gay pride celebrations to choose from every weekend in June, his post was timely. Because I’ve been fulminating about the whole gay pride thing lately, bouncing back and forth between my aversion to all the campy drag queens who flock to the celebrations and parades, the need to be ‘all inclusive’ about our extended family – as dysfunctional as all families are – and the often put forth opinion that the fringe elements of the gay community may do more harm than good in our efforts towards acceptance and equality. I know I’m not alone in that internal battle. Nor is it the first time I’ve tried to pin down how I feel on the subject. Or how I think I should be viewing it. But I’m getting closer to an answer. And I think the key is the ‘pride’ part of gay pride.

I don’t know who came up with the Gay Pride moniker for our community’s battle for equal rights, but it was pure genius. I can not think of a better term or phrase that incorporates both the internal and external needs as well as gay pride does. Because the idea that we need to be proud of who we are, and that that is just as important as how we are viewed by others is significant. Perhaps even more so. Because if you are not proud of who you are, how can you expect others to be?

Drag queens like to take credit for the modern gay rights movement citing the Stonewall Riots as their contribution to the fight for equality and acceptance. Right. While they were the more flamboyant part of that melee, there were just as many homeless male hustlers involved in the riots. And if you are going to pass out accolades for the advances our community has seen since Stonewall, then let’s throw up a few statues to gay prostitutes and get it right, okay?

And you really don’t want to get me started on the lesbians.

When Pride season rolls around you really can’t blame the media for focusing on drag queens. They are fabulous. And if you are covering a pride event for the local news, footage of flamboyant queens makes for better television than a group of gays who look like everyone and anyone else. But it is the average gay, the guys who don’t feel the need to act like women, who I feel are really responsible for the advances our community has made toward acceptance. I don’t mean to minimize the contributions made by drag queens. I just don’t think their particular brand of gay does much for furthering acceptance within the greater community. The stereotypical gay that their behavior reinforces has always been acceptable to straights. Just like court jesters were during medieval times.

As the general population has come to realize that a large number of the people they know are gay, people who outside of their choice of bed partner are no different that they are, their opinion about our community has changed. The majority of Americans now believe that gay people should have the right to marry their same sex partners. The younger generation attaches as much significance to someone else’s sexuality as they do to those who prefer blondes over brunettes. And it is that attitude, the idea that being gay is no big deal, that really means being accepted for who we are. Which is really no different than anyone else. Don’t get me wrong. There is still a lot of prejudice out there. And there are many legal battles that still need to be fought. But that the them is becoming us is what will ultimately make the biggest difference in perceptions. When we are no longer viewed as outsiders, as people who are different, then the question of equality will become moot.

Which brings me back to our poor gay visitor to Thailand. Who is so upset about women in the bars that he feels we need to start a major boycott. His is a tale of us versus them. His is a cry for ghettoizing establishments catering to gay clientele. Because ghettos have always worked so well in the past.

How can we gain acceptance when we demand there be a separation between them and us? And how can you honestly feel you’ve created a safe place when what you really are doing is building walls? When you do that you have to remember that walls work two ways. Walls are a lot like circling the wagons, a protective measure to ward off the dangers lurking without. But they build walls around prisons too. And those walls protect the outsiders, not those huddled safely inside.

I think the belief that as gay men we need our own little slice of town to be who we are is a barrier to acceptance. I think the suggestion that by allowing women, straights, or anyone else not gay into a gay establishment invokes some unidentified source of danger is no longer valid, if it ever was. And I think those who feel they need a gays only place to feel safe have a much bigger problem than the homophobes they think they are avoiding by hiding away in their little enclaves. Here we are getting ready to celebrate Gay Pride and yet it seems far too many gay men have the gay part down pat, but are lacking in pride. Because if you ask them, invariably they’ll tell you what they are afraid of is being laughed or scoffed at. How can you be proud of who you are when you view yourself as someone worthy of ridicule?

Those who are horrified when pussy enters the bar seem to have a problem with the pride part of gay pride. When they attempt to justify their us vs. them mentality they often fall back on the false tale of woe that the women are there to make fun of the gay guys, to ridicule and laugh at them, to make fun of them. Sorry, but that’s bullshit. Women visiting gay gogo bars may titter at all the cock on stage out of embarrassment, but their eyes, just like those of the gay men in the audience, are all glued to the stage. And those who hit the bar for a sexual partner are focused on cock, not on the gays in the crowd. Whatever their reason for walking through the door, their goal is to have some fun. They didn’t decide to go hit a gay gogo bar for the opportunity of laughing at the gay guys.

I’ve seen many women in Bangkok’s gay gogo bars. Their presence is not something new, women have shown up on Soi Twilight ever since it was just a bar and not an entire street. I’ve not seen any making snide remarks or laughing at the gay men. The idea that they do so is a false assumption. That they willingly enter an establishment that caters to gay men, whether to be shocked or for some cock, means that they are, at the very least, willing to accept spending the evening surrounded by gay men. And these are the people you want to ban? How about instead giving them a warm welcome. How about instead accepting them into your world. Just like you want them to accept you into theirs.

And you really don’t want to get me started on the lesbians.

Gay Pride is not just about being proud of who you are but also about our community’s struggle toward acceptance and equality. If your goal is turning the them into us then instead of bemoaning women at bars you should be welcoming them. How can we expect others to accept us if we are not willing to accept them?

Many of the gay guys who visit Thailand do so because of the ready availability of guys. But you’ll also hear from them how they feel more accepted in Thailand. Many of the prejudices they experience back home seem to be nonexistent in the Kingdom. Check into a hotel with your partner or boy du jour and nary an eyebrow will be lifted. Head out for the day to see the sights with a same sex partner – one who is often a decade or more younger than you – and no one cares. That’s because Thais don’t really give a damn that you are gay. They accept you for who you are. And if they find fault, it’s with your farang-ness, not with your homosexuality. And that attitude extends into the bar world.

Even though I often use the term ‘gay gogo bar’ when talking about Thailand’s bars that is not an accurate phrase. Yes, those bars do cater to a primarily gay clientele. That’s because they offer male companions as opposed to female ones, and there are more gay guys out on the prowl for flesh than there are women on the hunt. They are not, however, gay establishments. They’ve always welcomed women. There have always been women who frequent those bars. The owners don’t care if their patrons are men or women, straight or gay. And they would be puzzled over the idea that by allowing women in their bars they have in some way purposely alienated their gay customers.

Visitors should be grateful that Thailand is so accepting of everyone’s peculiarities that they provide pleasure palaces for all tastes. Instead, evidently, some feel they have the right to demand an establishment they frequent only allow those they deem acceptable entry. They think ‘them’ should not be allowed in, only ‘us’. Because along with our dollars, I guess, Thais are also expected to accept our prejudices. Maybe if we threaten them with a loss of business we can teach them how gays are supposed to be treated. Like we are back home. Oh, wait a minute . . .

Gay bars, exclusively for gay men, were a necessity at one time. Years ago. They served as a gathering place for our tribe. It’s where you went to meet other gay men. Now people use the internet. Or Grindr. There used to be gay nightclubs and straight nightclubs. Then they became mixed nightclubs. Now they are just nightclubs. Where everyone is accepted. Isn’t that what we were fighting for? Wasn’t the goal to be accepted in the same manner as was everyone else?

Younger gay guys don’t seem to have the phobias about being gay that the older crowd does. They are lucky. And while I can understand that those who suffered through years of being ostracized still feel they need to circle the wagons, in reality it is no longer necessary. I think they need to let go of those outdated feelings. I think they need to begin to rid themselves of the negativity and think about building a positive self image. They need to start being proud of who they are. And start being as tolerant of others as they once hoped others would be of them. Even if that means having to sit next to a woman at their favorite gogo bar in Bangkok.

On the other hand, if your complaint about bitches in the bars is about the over abundance of ladyboys, then I’m with you. Them bitches really do need to be banned.

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