When I was a young ‘un, before realizing ringing in the New Year was all about getting drunk ’til you pass out – so we’re talking still under the age of 12 – I’d anxiously await the predictions for the year from famed astrologist to the stars, Jeane Dixon. On January 1 every year Ms. Dixon would get major space in local papers across the land outlining what to expect in the coming year. Who would get married, who would get lucky, who would wish the fame they achieved would just go away, and who would die. Fortunately I discovered that drinking ’til you pass out thingy before the year that Ms. Dixon failed to predict her own demise. Otherwise my whole year would have been ruined from the get go.

You’d think that with Ms. Dixon’s fame being the cash cow that it was, some other astrologer would have snagged her job after she died. Although in retrospect, Joan Rivers took over his duties when Mr. Blackwell died and quit publishing his worst dressed list, and look how that turned out. Nonetheless, hung over or not, New Year’s has never been quite the same for me. So I thought I’d rectify that matter this year by gazing into my own crystal ball and predicting some of the top news stories you can expect to see in 2015:

Thanks to his years of experience of depending on drugs for sex, Bill Cosby will be named as Viagra’s new spokesperson.

TLC will rethink its decision to cancel Here Comes Honey Boo Boo just because Mama June started dating a convicted child molester after realizing a reality television show about five-year-old beauty queens dressed up like hooker wannabes was always about pedophilia.

Kim Jong-un will have Kim Jong-un assassinated for daring to impersonate Kim Jong-un.

Air Asia will change its advertising slogan to Now Everyone Can Die.
(What? Too soon? My bad.)

Barrack Obama will be choked out by the DC Police while attempting to enter the Capitol’s House of Representatives chamber to give his State of the Union address.

Boo Hoo will quit blogging and no one on the internet will notice.
(Editor’s Note: I’ve been informed that Boo Hoo quit blogging in 2014, and I – along with the rest of the internet – didn’t notice. So never mind.)

Adele will admit that she’s really Sam Smith in drag. Or vice versa.

Realizing they’ve already perfected the give free drugs to grade school children marketing ploy and it’s time to move in for the kill, Apple will release the iPhone 7 in March, the iPhone 8 in July, and the iPhone 9 in September (which will really be the iPhone 10 – they’re just gonna charge their fans double and ship the later model). And beginning with the iPhone 8, they’ll remove that useless telephone feature.

After watching Neal Patrick Harris perform hosting duties at the Academy Awards, Hollywood will finally realize that he is not in fact a triple threat. Or that talented. He’s just gay.

The new Thai constitution will make the prime minister job a life-time position. And then Thailand will be the happy place The Good General always knew it could be.

Kim Kardashian will post a close-up selfie of her vagina on Instagram. That photo too won’t break the internet. But will result in Adele suing her for using her likeness without her permission.

Bruce Jenner will post a close-up selfie of his vagina on Instagram. That photo too won’t break the internet. But will result in Kim Kardashian suing him for using her likeness without her permission.

President Obama will admit that the only reason he normalized relations with Cuba was as a public bitch-slap to Marco Rubio.

The authorities will ban Pattaya sexpats from Dongtan beach after concessionaires begin setting up beach chairs in the shade cast by their prodigious stomachs.

Tom Cruise will come out as gay. But the media will fail to report the story. Because that’s not news.

FOX News will begin broadcasting in black and white. No one will notice ‘cuz that’s how its viewers see the world anyway. Although they may demand the network quit employing the black.

The bars on Soi Twilight will drop their drink prices to 200 baht in response to the world’s current economic realities and the cheap bastards on the message boards will still whine about having to pay six bucks for a bottle of water.

49er’s quarterback Colin Kaepernick will be the first active NFL player to come out as gay. Which will surprise no one because he spent the last season throwing the ball like a girl anyway.

When Matthew McConaughey is mistaken for Ellen DeGeneres on the red carpet, someone besides me will recognize just how ugly that man has become.

Tom Daley will break up with Dustin Lance Black to start a new romance with Kristian Ipsen only to discover that they’re both bottoms, proving that it is not in fact only size that matters.

Someone will explain to me why the entire Kardashian clan only dates black guys. Oh. Right. Never mind.

Peter Dinklage will do a full-frontal scene in the new season of Game of Thrones and the world will forget all about Ben Affleck’s penis. And Rob Kardashian will break his clan’s trend of only dating black guys.

The police will raid Sunee Plaza for under-aged sex workers ‘cuz it’s been almost two years since the last raid. A month later Sunee fans will again start acting like that problem is a thing of the distant pass, while Jabba steers that conversation on his board into a discussion about the pros and cons of carrying your passport with you.

Joe Manganiello will call off his engagement to Sofia Vergara when he remembers that he’s not that good of an actor.