There are a lot of ugly penises out there. Whether it’s on your computer, tablet, or smart phone, the evidence of that stares you in the face daily. So much so that it amazes me that the medical profession has not yet discovered the correlation between swiping left and the onslaught of new carpal tunnel syndrome cases yet. It also amazes me that while everyone knows honesty is always the best policy, when it comes to their dick few guys can actually be honest with themselves. They may admit their best buddy could be a little longer, a bit thicker, or not quite so curved, but few will ever own up to the fact that the gods graced them with one of the ugliest dicks on the planet. No matter how horrendous looking our dick may be, we’re attached to it. It brings us a lot of joy. So it makes sense that we want to share that wealth with others. Even if everyone else wishes that wealth was achieved through an armed robbery and you’d just put a bandana over that thing.

Let’s start with the question of whether or not you actually need a dick pic in your portfolio. I mean it’s not like everyone hasn’t already seen a dick. ‘Cuz everyone has one of their own. At least everyone who counts. But as in real estate, what really matters is location, location, location. Using a dick pic as your main profile photo comes across as a bit desperate. Unless you are the owner of The Most Beautiful Dick On The Planet. And trust me, you aren’t. On the other hand, the purpose of a dick pic is to show potential partners what they’re getting. Kinda like sampling a song on iTunes. Which I’m in favor of. ‘Cuz good looking guys sometimes have ugly dicks too. And since if we do hook up, at some point in the proceedings I’m gonna find myself face-to-face with that thing, it’s nice to know that my gag reflex isn’t gonna kick in. Before I get that thing in my mouth. So a dick pic is a plus. ‘Cuz the last thing you want to hear when you drop trou and every horror flick I’ve ever seen suddenly flashes through my mind is, “Oh damn, sorry. I just remembered my mother’s funeral starts in five minutes and I really need to get going.”

The good news is that grading on a bell curve there are a lot of guys out there with dicks just as ugly as yours. And if everything else about your body is god-like, even I might take pity on your ugly dick and throw you a mercy fuck. Okay, so I wouldn’t. But someone else might. So you need to make up for your shortcomings and show your dick in its best light. Even if that usually means in a pitch-black room. Photo composition matters. As does focus. And depth of field. Above all else, don’t fall into the trap that other guys with ugly dicks have made in thinking that size alone will make up for lack of beauty. Not that it won’t, of course, but that thought far too often leads to one of the worst dick pic faux pas: the line-up-an-inanimate-object-alongside-your-dick dick pic.

When you include an inanimate object next to your dick you are inviting the viewer to use it to make a comparison. And generally that doesn’t bode well for your dick. What you line your dick up next to also sends a subliminal message. Beer cans and bottles of booze are popular choices, but when your dick is so ugly that when you visit a nudist beach cats try to bury you, the only thing those pix accomplish is to remind your intended hook up just how drunk he’d have to be to even think about hitting that. And far too often these type of selfies instead end up looking like a multiple answer test question: which one of these objects do not belong. Invariably, your dick is the winning answer. So you lose. Which counts as a win/win for me.

You may have had little choice in the dick you were born with (although now that Joan Rivers is dead there are a lot of plastic surgeons with empty dates on their schedule, if ya know what I mean) but you do have choices in what you photograph it next to. And there are only two inanimate objects acceptable when it comes to those shots. First, is a ruler. More than likely, this is not a good idea unless you need to use a yardstick. Second is a dollar bill. Or in your case, a hundred dollar bill. It may not do much to indicate size, but goes a long way toward expressing your willingness to compensate for your shortcomings. It’ll also get you lots of responses on Gay Romeo when you are trolling for an orgasm in Thailand.

Short of that, the only thing you should ever photograph next to your dick is your hand. And if your penis is really ugly, wrapping your hand around it – or both of your hands – is probably the right call. That may not land you the hottie of your dreams, but it’s a good start toward how you usually spend your Saturday nights, and it’ll save you the embarrassment of your dick pic gone wrong going viral on the internet. Because as these selfies show, there are worse things in the world than having an ugly dick:

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