Having spent the last week snarking on the pudgy, non-athletic bodies of Olympic bobsledders, I ran across a shirtless photo of U.S. bobsledder brakeman Steve Langton the other day and then felt a major mea culpa moment coming on. So despite feeling that trimming my toenails would be a better use of my time, I tuned in to the Olympic coverage of Langton’s’s run at a gold. ‘Cuz checking out a hottie always ranks higher than personal grooming in my book. Damn Photoshop. I don’t know where Langton got those pecs in that picture, but they didn’t make it to Sochi’s Sanki Olympic Sliding Center. The rest of his and partner Steven Holcomb’s massively pegged BMI, however, did. On the plus side, bobsledding runs only last about a minute; I can multi-task so my toes got the attention they deserved. And Holcomb took a moment to adjust his little buddy before his first run, close enough to the push-off that NBC couldn’t not include that action in their broadcast. Even if it was a small adjustment.
Shirtless shots of Olympic hotties are always a good way to pick out which athletes to root for. When they look like they wear a D cup, not so much. The IOC added X Games events and even more figure skating to the Sochi Games to try to stir up interest in the off-season Olympics. Instead, they should have moved some of the Summer Games’ events over to the Winter Games. Tom Daley could pirouette off the diving board just as easily in February. Indoors it doesn’t matter how cold it is outside. I get that because most of the Winter Olympic events involve snow and cold temps the bodies participating in those sports tend to pack on some extra weight as a defense, but even in Russia they have modern day inventions like central heating. And face it, while everyone pretends the Olympics are all about the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat, what really captures the attention of sports fans and non-sports fans alike is the copious amount of superbly conditioned male flesh on display. Which in Sochi, has been sorely lacking.
When your coverage of the Olympics depends on what isn’t that well covered – and what other coverage matters? – come winter-time the pickings are slim. Even if the athletes are not. I mean how many times can you bully Bode Miller into bubbling like a little girl by repeatedly asking questions about his dead brother at the moment when he finally wins a medal at the Games? Those journalist who still want to have a job tomorrow have to focus their attention lower. At least physically. And while I’d be the last person to mention how pervy it is to be scouring the internet for pix of male Olympian bulges (people living in glass house and all that jazz, ya know?) when the best Cosmopolitan Magazine can come up with is U.S. speedskater Shani Davis’ lycra encased package . . . really? You have to go with one of the few black American Olympians at Sochi for a crotch shot?
‘2014 Sochi Winter Olympics Male Bulge’ is a pretty specific internet search phrase. When Google Images thinks Bjorn Barrefors prodigious over-flowing crotch shot from the 2012 London Games is the best answer to that search, you know you’ve got problems. Especially since Bjorn never actually competed in those Olympic Games. Both Cosmo and VH1 have weighed in on the heft of Sochi’s male Olympians now, and both relied on recycling official team photos that showed little. Literally. When everyone’s go-to crotch shots includes an image of Korean speedskater Kang-Seok Lee’s not impressive for even an 8-year-old’s package, there’s something rotten in the State of Denmark. Or some 1,500 miles due east.
It’s no wonder the shot of the day isn’t of Olympic proportions but instead a pictorial salute to Tom Daley’s speedo encased little buddy being reunited with Dan Osborne’s on Splash. Not that it isn’t always fun to see Tom’s gay penis enjoying itself.
I even tried Bing to see if Bill Gates was better at uncovering what spandex is covering at Sochi. But even with search refinement choices like size, color, and type to select from the moose knuckles shown look more like camel toes. From a bulge perspective you can barely tell the difference between the male and female competitors in speed skating. If advanced, space-age technological fabrics can tell us if Michael Phelps is circumcised or not, why can’t the same technology at least tell us if J.R. Celski dresses to the right or to the left?
The problem, I suspect, is not the known effect of cold weather on male genitalia. Or that what passes for journalism these days relies heavily on copying what others have already covered. No matter how tiny that coverage was. Or that winter sports attracts men with small penises. Or that even my best buddy would flee in fear into the tuck position at the idea of hurtling at 80mph face-first down a bobsled course on nothing but a flimsy sled. Or even its similar reaction at seeing what the women who compete in that sport look like. Nope. I think it’s Putin’s commie, anti-gay plot to ruin the Olympic for gay fans that is to blame.
Being an obvious size-queen, ‘big’ has been the operative word for Sochi coverage when you are talking about Putin and his country’s attempt to convince the rest of the world it still matters. So where are all the shots of Maxim Trankov’s impressive package then? How that thing has not yet become an internet meme is beyond me. By now, it should have its own twitter account. But regardless of how you spell his first name, go ahead and try an internet search on that puppy. You’ll get nada. By now, if you searched on Ivan The Terrible or Peter The Great, a photo of Maxim’s massive talents should pop up.
Though Steve Langton’ pecs didn’t make their Olympic debut during last night’s telecast, Italy’s ice dancing hunk Luca Lanotte’s impressive package did. How that boy keeps his balance when skating upright is an amazing feat that deifies the laws of gravity. But you think you could find an Up Close and Personal photo of Italy’s pride and joy on the internet this morning? Nope. Not a hint. I’m telling you, it’s a plot to rid the world of its rainbows. And it’s all Putin’s fault.
No one has yet asked, Why Sochi? For the Winter Olympics, choosing a spot with almost tropical temperatures when the rest of the country is known for its frigid winter weather doesn’t make a lot of sense. Unless you are Putin. The resulting soft snow has been a major boondoggle for the skiers who are used to something a bit more winter-like. And the result has been upsets in most of the events. Just like that wily bastard planned. World Cup Gold Medalist Steven Nyman was one of the few winter Olympians with the goods to make his team photo bulge-worthy and he shoulda been a contender. Instead, thanks to Putin’s plot, in the Alpine Skiing Men’s Downhill he came in 27th. Impressive gay interest/male bulge problem solved.
Everyone got all up in arms about Putin’s anti-gay legislation before the Games began, but so far the only protest at Sochi to make the news was some Italian tranny who got arrested for about five minutes. That Putin is a crafty sucker. During pervious Olympics you could do a search on ‘gay Olympians’ and find out just how many of them were. Or were suspected to play for the rainbow team. For the Sochi Games that search returns nothing but day-old news about Russia’s anti-gay laws. With one swipe of his pen, Putin has completely homogenized the Olympics’s homo coverage.
Everyone laughed at the official uniforms for Sochi employees and volunteers because as anti-gay as Putin supposedly was, those duds were all in the colors of the rainbow. And rainbows are plastered all over the venues too. Ha. Now who’s laughing? Rainbows as a symbol of gay pride? Sorry, Putin co-opted that motif, there are rainbows all over Sochi. And not a one of them is gay. And if you use Google’s image search, instead of pix of the Sochi gay Olympian hotties, you get photo after photo of Putin, shirtless. Which is more effective than any gay conversion therapy yet invented.
And Putin has not even left the lesbians to enjoy their version of the Games. So far, the only openly gay lesbian athlete to medal was Dutch speed skater Irene Wust. And if fish is your preference and you Google her photo, instead of the naked with strap-on shot you think you might get, you’ll get a photo of her cuddling with Putin. The man’s devious plan to keep the gay out of Sochi is as evil as it is all encompassing. He even brought in the only straight male figure skater in history as a ringer.
You may think I’m just being paranoid, but I ask you this: Has anyone heard a peep out of Brian Boitano in the last week? After an entire career of living in the closet he just came out so he could be on Obama’s gay delegation to the Games and so far his presence has been as well covered as Billie Jean King’s. You watch, the first time you hear about Brian at Sochi will be a photo op with a shirtless Putin.
Everyone thought we had the newest crack smoking Rob Ford mayor candidate when Sochi’s mayor said there were no gays in his town. Now it turns out he was not just repeating the party line, but foretelling the future too. ‘Cuz when you emasculate all the Olympic hotties by removing the bulges from the Olympics, no gay man with any self-respect is gonna hang around your town.