Re-gifting has become the common way of getting rid of the crappy presents you get for the holidays. It used to be a dirty little secret no one would cop to and if you got caught out giving someone a gift you’d received and hated, a load of shame was headed your way. Today the biggest danger in re-gifting is that you may well get that piece of crap back as a gift yourself. While everyone’s least favorite aunt’s been doing it for decades, the idea of re-gifting seems to have popped onto the scene just a few years ago. But its origins probably can – or should have – been traced back to the first known instance of gift giving on Christmas day.

Most people are familiar with the booty brought by the three wise men on their journey to Bethlehem. No doubt the gold was well received. It’s always the perfect gift. At least it is when diamonds are beyond your budget. Frankincense you don’t hear too much about these days. But back then it was a popular, and pricey aromatic fragrance, the Glade Plug-In Air Freshener of its time. And with a manger full of domesticated animals giving birth to their own creations, it undoubtedly was both a breath of fresh air and a timely gift for which its recipient was grateful. Myrrh on the other hand, not so much. And as a gift for a newborn, myrrh just screamed to be re-gifted.

Like frankincense, myrrh too was an expensive commodity back then. An aromatic substance in granular form made from dried tree sap, due to its rarity it actually was more valuable than the gold. Frankincense was often burned, and symbolized prayer rising to the heavens like smoke, not a bad connotation for a gift being given to the messiah. Myrrh too was sometimes used as incense. But usually to mask the smell of rotting, dead bodies. Myrrh was used for burials; it symbolized death. Which didn’t exactly make it the #1 gift choice for newly born babies. A gift card would have been much more appreciated.

Giving a gift to celebrate a birth that symbolizes death is bad enough. But that little faux pas is compounded once you discover what – or who – myrrh is. And why it is probably an even more inappropriate gift. Unless your is a particularly close family. Like the Duck Dynasty.

Myrrha was the mother of Adonis in Greek mythology. So far, so good. Birthing one of the hottest hunks of all times ain’t chicken feed. But even in mythology – or at least in most myths – in order to have a rug rat you have to first have sex. And there’s the rub. Myrrha was the daughter of King Cinyras and Queen Cenchreis of Cyprus. No slouch in the looks department herself, Myrrha could have her choice of men from far and wide. Unfortunately the man who made her little heart beat like crazy was someone a bit closer to home. Myrrha was the original Daddy’s little girl. Pops was who got Myrrha wet.

Myrrha knew doing your dad was probably not the right way to scratch an itch. But his allure was too strong. Distraught over her incestuous feelings she decided suicide was a better choice than an orgasm and tried to hang herself one night. Well, the best laid plans of mice and men – not to mention young women big on DILF fantasies . . . her nosey nurse burst onto the scene and as a thanks for saving Myrrha’s life, she confessed her fetish for papa. Most nurses would have fled puking in terror, but Myrrha’s instead offered to help Myrrha trick daddy into bed.

They got their golden opportunity a month later during the festival of Ceres. During this celebration women were not to be touched by men for nine nights. Which made the men a bit horny, as you can imagine. The nurse found King Cinyras drunk in his bed and told him of a girl who was deeply in love with him, giving a false name. When he asked how old the girl was, the nurse responded that she was Myrrha’s age. That usually would sound a few alarm bells in most men’s minds, but King Cinyras said the hell with it, bring the young bitch to me.

The affair lasted several nights in complete darkness to conceal Myrrha’s identity. Not unlike how many farang have spent far more time than they’d willingly agree to with a ladyboy in Thailand. But sooner or later, orgasm or not, you just need to see exactly who has been pleasuring you and King Cinyras was no different. Unfortunately instead of discovering a chick with a dick, the King discovered he’d been doing his daughter. Angered, he put his personal sword back in his pants and grabbed a more deadly one to kill Myrrha on the spot. But in addition to being a wanton hussy, Myrrha was fleet of foot and took off running.

For nine months Myrrha fled from her daddy, headed out across Arabia. Three months into her escape, she realized like most men Pops had lied about using a lambskin sheath and poor Myrrha was with child. Afraid of death, tired of life, and with no sugar daddy on the scene, she begged the gods for a solution. Which is never a good idea ‘cuz history has shown the gods really have a wicked sense of humor. But they took pity of Myrrha, and after a few minutes of fulminating on all the dirty tricks they could play on her, the gods decided to turn her into a myrrh tree.

Though Myrrha abandoned her human feelings when she started sprouting leaves, she still mourned her tragic fate and her tears, being the drops oozing from the tree’s bark, are today known as myrrh. When it came time for the birth of Myrrha’s child, the tree appeared to wrench and sounded as though it had sighed and groaned. The goddess of childbirth came, touched the tree, spoke soothingly to it, and passed on the bad news that epidurals were not given to trees. With a great deal of screaming, and wailing while the goddess of childbirth yelled, “Push, push!” the tree formerly known as Myrrha cracked open and delivered a baby boy, Adonis.

Of course Myrrha’s incestuous story was all Greek to the wise men, so you could throw them a bone and act like they didn’t know better. But the bible too mentions myrrh. And while the details are a bit sketchy, myrrh is referenced seven times in the Song of Solomon, often with erotic overtones. So whether you go with the tale of incest or with myrrh being an ancient form of lube, gift-wise it’s not really an appropriate choice for a baby. It’s just a shame they didn’t have gift receipts back then so that Jesus could return the myrrh, which instead became the First Unwanted Christmas Present and probably the first to be re-gifted.

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