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Just when you thought you had that premature ejaculation thingy solved, health experts say we need to speed things up.

Just when you thought you had that premature ejaculation thingy solved, health experts say we need to speed things up.

Huh. Not that I’ve ever had any complaints mind you, but like most men when it comes to my personal health, any news of someone purporting to have tips and techniques to make an even heathier me catches my eye. Especially, like most men, when it’s the health of my best buddy they’re talking about. Not that that news even has to be necessarily about health. Bigger, stronger, better – that’s all good too. longer, stiffer, more upright . . . hell, even more colorful is a claim worth reading about. ‘Cuz ya never really know just what it is that freak you’ve been eyeballing is really into.

But like most men who have more than one head actively working at a time, I’m usually disappointed in those bits of news, and readily discount claims of miracle cures for things that weren’t really ailing in the first place. Considering the number of penis pumps that have been sold over the years, my fellow Y chromosomers aren’t quite as picky when it comes to self improvement. Or maybe it’s just that there are a lot more needy men in the world than I’d thought. But a recent article I ran across on the ‘net did make me consider there may be an area of improvement needed that I hadn’t previously considered. The same article brought to light yet another arena I’d been unaware of. And because both good and bad things come in threes, yet another quick news item delving into the wonderful world of men and their penises grabbed my attention too. And since I know you love your penis as much as I love mine (though perhaps not quite as frequently) I thought I’d share.

First, I’ve just discovered there are websites and Tumblr blogs devoted to pictures of men eating bananas. Not those you’d be hoping for, the ones that come with a Chiquita sticker on them. Other people’s fetishes can seem a bit strange, but considering how easy it is to find photos of guys deep throating the bananas the gods intended them to play with, this one seems a bit extreme. And just like not-so-straight professional athletes who are worried about how they are supposed to respond when a gay team mate checks out their junk in the locker room, now I’m worried about how I am supposed to respond when the next hottie I’m in the process of bedding suddenly pulls out a piece of fruit and whispers, “Suck on this.”.

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Second, and of far less concern (and of a bit more interest), CNN’s recent decision to change the programming of HLN to cover social media and internet-based news instead of whichever tragedy the media has decided to hype next – which I’d assumed was just their pussy-ass plan on how to get rid of Nancy Grace without having the bitch go psycho on them – suddenly made more sense when I ran across the story of a New Hampshire teen who had posted a Vine of himself fucking a Hot Pocket. The internet exploded with admiration and support of this brave trailblazer. And then Vine, and Twitter, both suspended his account. Huh. Jason Biggs based his entire acting career on doing the same with an apple pie. And the only difference I can see is while you may think about slamming an apple pie, you probably wouldn’t ‘cuz it’s just too messy. A Hot Pocket, on the other hand, is the right size, shape, and almost seems manufactured for that purpose. Provided a stray piece of pepperoni doesn’t get in your way.

And now if at some point in the future my sex partner whips out a piece of fruit and ask me to seductively peel and gum it while he watches, I have an appropriate response: I’ll pull out a freshly microwaved Hot Pocket and leer right back at him. I just hope it doesn’t turn out that he’s a vegetarian.

Between the two, as a sex toy, your pastry covered meat by-product treats probably come in first. Or would at least help you to. As a dietary staple, a banana is probably your better choice. Most dieticians agree they are good for you and are a ready source of potassium. I assume their health benefit is why the gods made them that shape, knowing humans wouldn’t be able to resist putting something that looked like that into their mouth. But according to Men’s Health, and dietician Geoffrey Babughirana, there are other health benefits from eating bananas too. The seeds are a rich source of zinc and Vitamin E. Which, together, can boost the speed of your sperm. Huh. Just when I learned how to twerk better than Miley could ever dream of doing, now I need to devote my resources to learning how to speed up my seed.

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Yup, tastes smells like science to me.

The average speed of a human male’s ejaculation is 28 – 31 mph. Which means if your spooge was a moving vehicle, the next time you nutted in a residential zone, you could get a ticket for speeding. And possibly a date with the hot cop who wrote you up. It seems to me that cuming at a speed faster than your average senior citizen drives on the freeway should be good enough. And quantity should rate higher than quality too. So is turning your ordinary sperm into Supersperm really all that important?

Fortunately, if you are gay, the answer is no. But you should know that according to the Guinness Book of World Records, Horst Schultz, whose speed bursts of sperm during ejaculation was 42.7 mph, holds the record for the farthest male ejaculation ever, at 18 feet. Which could be fun. And for Americans, for reasons no-one understands, men on the east coast shoot 50% more sperm per load than guys on the west coast. Which is probably about both quantity and quality. But how fast that load comes shooting out of the barrel matters little. Except to scientists. And possibly Vladimir Putin. ‘Cuz it turns out sperm speed may effect sexual preference in men. (At birth. Not when you are on your knees waiting in breathless anticipation.)

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If you weren’t paying attention during your High School biology class, and don’t recall the obscene things your demented teacher made you do with chicken eggs, the gender of a baby is determined by the chromosome carried by the lucky sperm who hits the lottery. If he was a Y chromosome, you get a beautiful baby boy. If he was an X chromosome . . . better luck next time, try again. What your teacher – who probably should not have been trusted around teenagers in the first place – may not have taught you is that Y carrying sperm (the good guys) are goal-oriented. They swim faster, but die off quicker than their female X chromosome carrying buddies. Which is probably why men are more decisive than women.

Hurrying along their way, Y carrying sperm understand the necessity for making quick decisions. And as any smart sperm knows, if you are gonna contribute to the world’s overpopulation problem, the best thing you can do is make sure it counts. Which means making a gay baby. (I assume that X carrying sperm have a similar plan to increase the world’s lesbian population, but neither I nor science cares. There are already too many fish in the sea.)

Now, researchers at the Andrology Laboratory in the Jessop Wing of Sheffield Teaching Hospitals in South Yorkshire, UK have found that the more male siblings a man has, the higher the chance he’ll shoot a greater percentage of Y chromosome carrying sperm – which, the researchers claim is all due to the species favoring fast swimmers. This phenomenon in turn has a direct correlation on the likelihood of the resulting offspring being not only male, but a rainbowed colored one to boot, a phenomenon called the fraternal birth order effect.

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Some of the strongest current evidence that some people are born gay is based on this phenomenon, which states that the more older brothers a man has, the greater the probability is that he will have a homosexual orientation. According to several studies, each older brother increases a man’s odds of being gay by 28–48%. Coupled with the study done by the folks at the Andrology Laboratory, the scientific logic goes like this: the more brothers a man has, the higher the chance he will produce boy babies; the more older male siblings a baby has, the higher the chance he’ll be gay. And then, before you know it Putin will be ruling a country – or two – filled with gay babies.

None of which seems to have anything to do with eating bananas. But then I don’t really care ‘cuz I just ran across a $1 off coupon for Hot Pockets, so I’m off to the grocery store . . .

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