You’d think that with a few dozen half naked guys standing on the stage selecting which bar by is going to spend his night devoted to curling your toes would be an easy one. There’s strength in numbers, and with a bit a luck a few of those guys may even be sporting a number with some strength left in it. But how do you cull the herd? How do you pick out the bar boy who’ll bring your fantasies to life from those who will make you wish you’d just stayed in your hotel and beat yourself to sleep?
You may rely on the traditional method of offing the first guy who tells you that he loves you. But we all know actions speak louder than words. We also all know that a bar boy’s word seldom equates to action. At least not the kind you were hoping for. Or that he promises. But every bar boy has tells, there are a vast number of nonverbal clues that you can watch for, which is a pretty good idea since neither of you speaks the others language. Here are some tips that will help you select the perfect bar boy for you. Or that will at least help you avoid the duds.
THE SIZE: If size where it matters matters to you, spending some time in the bar is a must. Because sooner or later the bar will fall back on that old standby, The Big Cock Show.
There are two sizes of guys in any bar, “I in Big Cock Show” and “I not In Big Cock Show”. Now you may think those that are have a good reason to be. Several inches of good reason in fact. But Big Cock Shows really aren’t about big cocks. The boy is only in the Big Cock Show because he gets paid extra money for showing you what he’s packing. You do have to remember you are still in Asia. And in Asia math still adds up the same: 1+1 equals 2, and 2 inches is still too small to bother with even when it is the norm. Three inches, however, qualifies as a big cock in the Thai mind. No problemo. The Big Cock Show provides you two opportunities for checking your list twice.
If you are still stuck on size, always select a seat furthest from the stage. You’re old, your eye sight isn’t what it once was, and that you are in a gogo bar thinking you’re gonna find a guy who’ll give you the night of your life proves you are delusional too. You can combat these faults and turn them into positives with distance. And that’s fairly simple. If you can not see the guy’s big cock from where you are sitting without squinting, it’s not. Pass.
Guys with small dicks will tell you it isn’t about size but rather about what you can do with it. I don’t know why some scientist doesn’t grab a shitload of money in government grants by studying why guys with small peni lie so much. But even a small penis is better than a flaccid one. And if a bar boy can not get hard, he can not take part in a Big Cock Show.
Now you do have to realize those engorged cocks on stage only stay that way thanks to a torn rubber serving as a cock ring. But the guy had to work up a stiffy in the first place, so you already are a step ahead of the game. The other tell here is that the guy flashing his proud member proudly, despite its size, is almost always a confirmed top. Those who seem embarrassed about what they are showing know it is not their most important asset anyway.
THE ACCESSORIES: While newbies may concentrate on size, old hands know a much better indicator of just how good of a time you’ll have is a bar boy’s cell phone. Every bar boy comes equipped with a cell phone these days. And no bar boy in the history of the world has ever bought a cell phone for himself. That hot young thang with the latest version of the iPhone? He convinced some other sucker to buy it for him. And already feels the need for an upgrade. You’ll be buying one for him tomorrow.
Cell phones are seldom used to make phone calls these days. (Don’t argue. You’re old. And a Luddite.) The newer ones have a large assortment of games to play. And there are movies and television to watch too. You can even surf the internet on your phone. Bar boys are much more fond of their cell phones than they ever will be about you. And are much more interested in being amused by their cell phone than they are in amusing you. Look for the bar boy with the oldest cell phone in the bar. Sure he wants a new iPhone too, but that fact his is so old shows you he is already used to being disappointed. With nothing but the ability to text, back in your hotel room he will apply himself to the job at hand instead of the technology in his hands. Picking a bar boy with an outdated phone also means he is probably not internet savvy and won’t Google your name to find out what others think of you, nor will he discover how cheaply you’ve bragged you’ve gotten away with tipping bar boys in the past.
THE HAIR STYLE: In her day, which was a few scant years during the early 80s, Tina Turner was a gay icon. Thai bar boys are big on nostalgia and a favorite hairstyle emulates that of Tina in her Private Dancer days. Which, considering what their job is, kind of makes sense. It also makes sense that any guy who patterns his hairstyle after a woman’s is not going to score high on the manly man index. Conversely, if you don’t mind screaming little fems, he probably will bottom. Tina did.
Thais are proud of being Thai. So they often adopt the stylings of other Asian countries. The Korea look is big in Thailand these days. And will be until Thais realize eating dog is essential to the Korean experience. While you do not have to be concerned that his breath may smell like summer kimchee, the bar boy you are eyeballing with the Korean pop star hairdo should still send a shiver down your spine. Or at least down the spine of your wallet. That hairdo cost him 600 baht minium. Thais can buy a new buffalo for 600 baht. This is a bar boy who is high maintenance. And you will be the person to keep him looking in the manner to which he’s grown accustomed.
Bar boys with short hair, or buzz-cuts are always straight and won’t do everyting regardless of what they claim. Those with spikey hair are your best choice if you are into kink. And if it looks like they used a bowl to style their last haircut, they are fresh off the farm and probably have not yet landed a kindhearted customer who taught them how to suck dick.
THE LADYBOYS. If ladyboys are what gets your heart thumping, you should be hanging out at the straight bars in Nana that only employ ladyboys. The reason those bars are in the straight entertainment district is that everyone except you knows that being a ladyboy has nothing to do with being gay. But show tunes do and the only place in town that will allow them to take stage and lip sync Don’t Cry For Me Argentina are the gay gogo bars. And yes it is amazing that even though they haven’t a clue where Argentina is, or even what it is, those are still real tears. Ladyboy acts are important part of your evening if you want to make sure you too don’t end your night with your eyes filled with tears.
Little fem gay boys who aren’t man enough to commit to giving up their dick still get a hard-on thinking about the days when they too can don a beautiful gown and be the envy of every old hag they remember from back home in their village. Pre-ops, of course, are easy to spot. Those little baby tits don’t grow that way naturally. Ladyboy wanna-bes are a bit trickier. Some even still look and act like a real man.
When the ladyboy act comes on, do not watch the stage. You didn’t really want to anyway. Watch the bar boys instead. Those who get a wistful look in their eyes are the ladyboy wanna-bes. Those who look like they want to jump on stage and start plowing into the ladyboys are straight. And horny. The scent of money will bring them to their senses, but if you are an old queen these are the guys that might be capable of getting up enough interest to fulfill your dreams.
THE SMILE: One of the reasons Thailand is known as The Land of Smiles is that Thais have perfected a few hundred versions, few of which have anything to do with what one would normally smile about. The bar boy flashing a big grin in your direction is not happy to see you. Though he may be happy to see your wallet. Thai have smiles that say, “You disgust me but you may be rich,” “I’m straight but with the help of a little blue pill I may be able to get a good tip out of you,” and “You really think that just because you are not old I’m going to enjoy this anymore than I would with an old fart?” Learning to differentiate one smile from another would be great, but you only have two weeks in country and there are more important things for you to learn. Like how to tell how big of a cock a Thai guy has. Instead, devote your time to wiping that smile off his face.
You can learn a Thai bar boy’s sexual identification by tweaking one of his tits. Straight bar boys will keep smiling (that’s the ‘Payback’s a bitch smile”). Ladyboy wanna-bes will quit smiling and screech because you are damaging the merchandise. Gay bar boys will keep smiling too, but they’ll also get hard. Because unlike straight guys, gay guys the world over known there is a direct connection between your nipples and your cock.
Though when confused Thais will normally keep smiling, when money is involved it throws them for a loop and that smile will quickly dissipate. Tip your potential bar boy 20 baht as soon as he sits down. If he smiles and leaves (that’s the, “Fuck you” smile btw), you just saved yourself a world of financial hurt. If he asks for more, smile for him and then walk away. If he takes the money and starts playing with your crotch, then you just learned what he is willing to do for 20 baht and your smile should be out shinning his.
THE PACKAGE: You don’t have to be a size queen to be concerned about the size of a bar boy’s package. Unfortunately not all bars have a Big Cock Show and even those that do mistakenly think other numbers are required. That leaves most punters having to stare at the boys’ bulges, trying to decipher length from girth. While that is a lost cause, there are three things to watch for that will clue you in on a bar boy’s short comings.
If he stores his cell phone inside of his underwear where his package should be . . . well, the fact there was room enough to do so should tell you all you need to know. If he covers his crotch with his numbered badge, he’s attempting a bit of subliminal advertising and hope you will confuse his number 11, with what he is packing, 2. And lastly, if you are at Tawan and the bulge seems to be top heavy, he’s been stacking steroids for some time now and his balls are the size of peanuts. And worth just as much for your purposes.
THE SHOES: Even if punters never bother to consider the cleanliness of a bar, bar boys do. That culturally the bottoms of your feet are considered the least clean part of your body in Thailand and yet even bar boys won’t allow the bottoms of their feet to come in contact with the bar’s floor should tell you something. Shoes are a bar boys last defense and the last piece of clothing they get rid of in a bar. Almost all bar boys wear shoes during their rotation. And what they choose to wear on their feet can be instructive.
The latest model from Nike means he has a ‘boyfriend’ overseas who regularly sends him large sums of money. In fact he probably has several boyfriends overseas who all send him large sums of money. Of course, if you are looking for love, this is probably the bar boy for you because he has already learned to say all the things you want to hear.
If he is wearing a pair of name brand sneakers that are obvious Thai knock-offs (look for brand names that don’t go with the logo or that are misspelled) he is fashion conscious but down to earth. Which means he has not yet found a customer to buy him the latest iPhone and won’t concern himself with footwear until that goal has been reached. The cost of an iPhone is still cheaper than the cost of supporting him and his entire village, so this one has potential.
If he is wearing flip flops, he is fresh off the truck; back in his village those are called dress shoes. This bar boy will be inexperienced, shy, but easily malleable. Plus you’ll be able to put a smile on his face by buying him a 300 baht pair of knock-off sneakers. A cheap deal all around.
THE DEJECTED AND REJECTED: While you may think Thai guys work in bars for the enjoyment it brings them to walk around half naked in front of a bunch of octogenarians, the truth is that for most it’s all about money. I know. Shocking. And you thought it was all about you. It’s not. It’s about the bar boy and whether or not he’ll be able to feed himself for another day. Slavery is not a Thai institution too far in the past and bar owners still harken back to the good old days. And as much as they hate the idea, they do have to pay their staff a salary. Even if it is below poverty wages. But with your help they can escape that drain on their bank account.
When a bar boy lands a customer the bar owner gets a double bonus to his bank account. First, the off fee you pay goes directly into his pocket. Second, when a bar boy is offed, the owner no longer has to pay his wages for that day. Bar boys salaries are not so much about income as they are about being a consolation prize. Yup, now the generosity of that bar owner who ‘pays the off’ for any of his boys taken out of the bar after midnight starts making sense, huh? Sure he isn’t profiting on the off fee he just gave up, but he also doesn’t have to pay that boy his daily wage either. Yes, charity does begin at home. Especially if your home is on a sleazy soi in Pattaya.
But that doesn’t mean that you too can’t profit from a bar boy’s lot in life. Bar boys who can’t manage to work up a smile are bar boys who seldom get offed. And they are more willing to do whatever pleases you. They’ll even accept a lower tip than is the norm. Of course if you are so willing to take advantage of a young man’s plight and so cheap that saving $15 on your orgasm is what really matters, then you head directly from the airport to Pattaya anyway. And this post is about Bangkok gogo bars. So kindly fuck off.
THE INK: Some punters hate tattoos. That’s a shame because nowadays anyone under the age of thirty sports at least one tat. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean the guy you are considering offing is ink free. And while you may be able to ignore a tat on his arm, it’s difficult to ignore ink that encroaches on those areas that are important to you. But the question of does he or doesn’t he isn’t as important as what his tats are.
Tattooing is part of Thai culture. Traditional tats are not cheap, nor do Thai gets them from cheap tat parlors. Traditional tattoos are religious in nature in Thailand, they bring their skin’s wearer good luck or protect him from the thousands of evil demons that call Thailand their home. It’s just surprising no one has come up with a tat to ward off cheap bastards yet.
Cultural tats in Thailand are applied by monks. They are expensive, usually require several visits to be finished, and are always, regardless of size, quite detailed. They are also quite telling about the bar boy sporting them. First, it shows he is proud of his heritage, and proud to be Thai. That means he will be open, friendly, and easily duped. Second, it shows he realizes there is evil in the world, so he won’t be that surprised when you whip out your leather dog collar and nipple clamps. And lastly, it shows he is a religious person and so will be less likely to perform poorly and still demand a large tip. Unless his pride of heritage takes precedence and then he will perform poorly and still demand a large tip. Plus taxi money.
Tramp stamps, however, are not part of Thai culture. Bar boys with tats running across the small of their back have fallen for western ways. You may think a tramp stamp on a tramp is a positive sign, but along with western ink he has probably adopted western fast food as his life-style. And Thais have not yet leaned how to make pudgy attractive.
Playboy bunnies are still a popular bar boy tat. They mean he is both straight and delusional. Traditional Japanese tattoos are becoming popular in Thailand too. Guys who sport them usually have Japanese-sized cocks, and when you are already starting off at extra-small that’s not a good thing.
THE MIRROR. I know. Mirrors are not your best friend. Reality is always a bitch. But in a Bangkok gay gogo bar the walled mirrors can be of great use. Bar boys use them to stare into, which helps them picture themselves anywhere else. Self-aware punters use them to remind themselves of the ordeal their bar boy du jour is gonna be facing, and will then tip accordingly. The more focused among us focus on the best use of the mirrors: checking out the bar boys’ asses. If you catch one of the guys on stage using the mirror to check out his own ass, he’s a keeper because any bar boy who is proud of his ass is one who knows how to use it.
Related Posts You Might Enjoy: