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The Care and Feeding Of Mamasans
Like unicorns, sasquatch, and the Loch Ness Monster, in a Bangkok gay gogo bar the rumor of a helpful mamasan is generally considered a myth. I have met one though. Once. In over twenty years of visits to Thailand’s bar world. You should not expect to be as lucky. At best, you can hope to run across one who is indifferent. She’ll still demand a tip, but for the most part will leave you alone. More likely, you’ll meet the typical mamasan, pushy, aggressive, rude, and imperious. She can suck the fun out of a visit to a gogo bar quicker than a Hoover on steroids.
As a newbie to Bangkok’s gay gogo bar world, you probably are wondering what a mamasan is, how to spot one, and more importantly how to avoid one. This portion of The First Timer’s Guide To Bangkok Gay Go Go Bars will help you with the former. Good luck on the latter. Your karma just ain’t the good.
Mamasans, or Captains – a disguise they frequently adopt to fool the unsuspecting – are almost always male these days. Even in the good old days when they weren’t, they still were. Whether mamasans today are dressed like a diva or in a suit to fool you into thinking they are a fine upstanding citizen and not devil spawn, we still call them a mamasan. It’s more polite than blood sucking scum of the earth. In most cases, when you first enter a bar it will be a mamasan who taxes her mental capabilities in finding you a seat. Yes, there are only four other customers in a bar built to seat over a hundred, but don’t scoff. This still requires a highly developed skill set, and eight times out of ten she’ll manage to pull it off.
The bar is usually dark when you enter, a bone thrown to you by management because you really don’t want to see what you are getting yourself into. If the mamasan can remember how, she’ll turn on a small penlight as she guides you to your seat. The light is not so you can see trip hazards. It’s so she can spot any stray satang that slipped out of a customer’s pocket. Once seated an employee who actually has value, the waiter, will take your drink order leaving the mamasan free to begin abusing assisting you.
Now that you are officially a customer and the bar has begun to make money out of you, the mamasan will honor your new-found status by giving you a warm Thai greeting, using one of the country’s standard phrases of welcome, “You want boy?”
You may think this is a stupid question. It’s not. It’s a stupid person asking it. You may have wandered in to order a Big Mac, pick up one of those cute same same but different T shirts, or book a flight on Air Asia for all she knows. That you’d come to the bar to actually off a boy may be a complete surprise to her. Or to you. Regardless, you need to reply with a firm, : No!” Don’t worry, you won’t blow your chance at offing a boy, the mamasan will be back like clockwork to ask you again and again until she’s worn you down to the point you have no choice in the matter. In the meantime, you can enjoy the show and check out the half-naked guys on stage.
The mamasan position traditionally has been one to assist customers in selecting a mate for the night. Once you’ve had your fill of eye candy and are ready to move on to the purchase part of your evening, it’s time to signal the mamasan. The mamasan is Thai, so now that you need something she will employ the national pastime employed by all service personnel in Thailand of gazing everywhere in the room except in your direction. Your best bet is to pick up your check bin and start rifling through the papers. Nothing garners a mamasan’s attention quicker than a customer paying attention to the fanciful figures she’s been jotting down on his drink tab.
You may be shy about telling the mamasan exactly what type of boy you want and what disgusting sexual acts you want him to perform. Don’t be. She’s heard it all before. It’s her job to listen to your request. You don’t want to be disappointed in your selection, so let the mamasan know exactly what you want: thin or muscular; top, bottom, or in-between; young or old; how big of dick, and the aforementioned disgusting sex acts you foolishly think you’ll find a Thai willing to engage in. The mamasan knows her boys and will listen carefully to your order before calling the perfect boy over for you.
You may notice that though you asked for a young, muscular, stud with a humongous cock, the mamasan called over an old, thin fem whose basket looks as empty as Greece’s national treasury. It’s not that she didn’t understand you (though she didn’t because she actually knows very little English) but rather this is one of the boys she has abused to the point he is willing to give her a portion of his tip money. You may have mistakenly thought that as a customer your needs would be the priority. They aren’t. It’s not about you, it’s about her. And her bank account.
Satisfied that she now will be making money off of someone, the mamasan will probably flash her award winning smile at you. Yes, it looks more like a painful grimace, but the mamasan job is not an easy one and after spending an evening inflicting obnoxious pain on everyone within eyesight, all of that negativity builds up inside of you too. In most cases, a healthy belch will rid her of the problem and unclear her mind enough that she can tally up your check bin.
Most mamasans are longtime employees because even the bar manager is afraid of dealing with her. So she has been adding the cost of two drinks and an off for over five years. Multiple times each night. She has not got the total right in all that time, so don’t expect her to add those nice round numbers correctly for you either. Besides, how much your bill totals is not important. How much you tip her is.
Mamasans have an ingrained sense about customers and can recognize cheap bastards. Thrifty minded bar patrons do not like to tip mamasans. Since no customers like to tip mamasans, in her mind all patrons are cheap and need to be taught how to show proper respect and reverence to the staff. You may think that means being polite and not diddling the boys. Ha. The mamasan doesn’t care what you do to the boys as long as you cough up cash. She’ll help by insisting you buy every worthless boy she summons on your behalf a drink. Seldom will she ask a customer to buy her a drink. Often she will just order one and charge you for it.
You may decide the steady succession of drinks you’ve been purchasing for the mamasan and her crew is tip enough. But not tipping the mamasan means confrontation. And all Thais avoid direct confrontation at all costs. Especially when that cost comes out of your pocket. If the mamasan senses you will be a difficult customer, she’ll pick out a boy for you who will make up for it on the back-end. He’ll be the one who demands an extra 500 baht for a taxi after you’ve tipped him for your night of fun. If she called it wrong and actually selected a winner for you, back at your hotel just about when you see an orgasm in sight, she’ll call the boy on his cell phone and demand he return immediately to the bar. You can avoid the latter, but probably not the former, by topping the bitch 100 baht when you leave the bar.
Yes, this is not a tip. It is extortion. But then Thais do not believe in tipping. They believe in tea money. Consider your hundred baht as money well spent on a cultural experience while holidaying in Thailand.
Now that you realize that dealing with a mamasan is a less enjoyable experience than a root canal, and possibly just as costly, it’s time to learn some payback. If you are not the kind of person who gets enjoyment out of causing discomfort to others, you will be by the time you are done dealing with a mamasan. So read on.
Here are a few of my favorite tricks to get value out of the money the mamasan extorts from you:
1. The absolute worst insult to a Thai (other than not tipping when asked to) is to point the bottom of your feet at them. This is a major cultural no-no. It stems from historical times (like last week) when Thais were all involved in rural activities like farming. Shoeless, they plowed their fields walking slowly behind their beast of burden. Which would either be their eldest daughter or if the family was rich – meaning they have a child working the gogo bars in Bangkok or Pattaya – the family’s water buffalo. In either case, by the end of the day they’ve been walking in shit and their feet are covered in the stuff. Today, even to a non-rural Thai that memory is fresh. So is the smell of dung. It’s a nasty memory and having someone point the sole of their feet at them is the same as spitting in their face.
So anytime the mamasan approaches you, lean back, cross one leg over the other, and show her the bottom of one of your feet. Though it is a major insult, she will assume you don’t know this and will force herself not to react. Try not to giggle, it’ll give your game away. Try not to have an open bottle anywhere near you either because the mamasan will retaliate by pouring herself yet another drink off your dime. The insult is not as satisfying when it costs you cash.
2. Embrace the mamasan within you and empty your mind. Put an oblivious look on your face and go hit the restroom. You will not want to actually enter the restroom, the last customer who did died in there and their body has been rotting away for the last three years. That or someone who’d been eating durian all day just dropped a bomb. When you are done with your fake business, go grab a seat on the other side of the bar.
When the mamasan realizes you have vanished, she’ll panic. The mamasan will start scanning the room for you, but her gaze will pass you by. All farang look and smell the same to Thais. The mamasan will only recognize you by your wallet. So keep it hidden.
The cheap bastards who successfully manage this ploy may think they can then skip out without paying the check-bin. Your win was causing the mamasan to experience human emotion. Quit while you are ahead. By now she will have alerted the entire staff and half of the local police force of her missing customer. If you head for the door, you will be spotted. And your happy ending will not be so happy. Though it may be your final ending. Just sit in your new spot, within ten minutes a different mamasan will smell the fresh meat in her section and you’ll get to play with a new contestant.
3. Mamasans make money off the bar, the farang, and the boys. While every employee in a gay gogo bar is technically offable, mamasans do not want to be offed. Doing so puts a crimp in their income stream. One of the best ways to get a pushy mamasan to leave you alone is to tell her how much you want to off her. If she doesn’t run away screaming in terror immediately, explain in great detail every disgusting thing you want to do with her. Don’t use your own sexual fantasies. Describe what your father used to do to your mother instead.
4. Mamasans have to be proficient in English to land their position at the bar. That means they have learned at least one more additional phrase of English than the typical bar boy. That phrase is usually, “Tip me!” But like many Thais who have failed to master the English language, mamasans have mastered the look that says she understands what you are saying. You may even run across a mamasan who understands as much as 10% of what you utter. Regardless of their proficiency, when it comes to comprehension, all mamasans face the same stumbling block: numbers.
Because it is rude to point in Thailand, the bar has each boy wear a numbered badge on his skimpy underwear. Many use their badge to hide the fact that in the meat department they are lacking. Others use it to make it easy to identify where they have stuffed the cell phone last night’s customer bought them. The mamasan is supposed to use the numbered badge to identify the boy that you want her to bring to your table.
This trick is not a good one to use if there is a boy you actually want to off. But then since 90% of the bar’s stable is composed of ugly little street urchins, no problemo. Pick out a boy whose badge has double digits on it. Mamasans can only add to 10. In English or Thai. Larger numbers stump them. If you ask for boy #84, she will not be able to identify which boy that is. And panic will once again set in.
The mamasan will try and foist off one of her twinks on you anyway, but be firm and keep repeating, “84.” Your heart will be warmed by the consternation you are causing her. After you have repeated 84 a few dozen times, switch to 48. It’s possible she was coming close to having a brain synapse and might have hit on the right two number combination soon. If she does miraculously hit on the right boy, quickly hand her your check bin. Having to deal with additional number will throw her off her game and you may be able to slip away during the ensuing melee, allowing you to return and do battle with a mamasan again in the future.
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bebot q. gomez said:
Visited Tawan Bar’s website and chanced upon their anniversary event, “Mr. Special Man Muscular Contest” held 27 January 2012.
Question: Do all the contestant work at Tawan Bar or just at Tawan for the contest? Contestants no. 5 and 7 are my favorites, They are my kind of guy. Wish I could meet them and definitely will off each during my holidays….these guys are enough reason for a visit to Bangkok…!
Bangkokbois said:
Depends on the contest B. Sometimes it’s guys who don’t work there, sometimes it’s guys who do. In this case, you’re in luck. Both 5 and 7 work at Tawan. But you better get there early to play it safe.
bebot q gomez said:
Wow! That is really goooood news. Thanks! Been counting the days prior to my holidays in the Kingdom. Already planned on offing them for an overnight stay with me at my hotel…gosh that would be simply great!
Again, many thanks for the info. Best regards!
Bangkokbois said:
I do beleive you will be having yourself a fantastic time in Bangkok B.
Make sure you report back!
Al said:
Hahahaha…never truer words were written about mamasans. Dirty arsed bastards of things they are.
One was OK however, Lek (unusual huh?) was great. He/she and I had an arrangement, she didn’t bother me and I didn’t mess up her hair.
Freudian slip about ‘topping the mamasan’ instead of tipping was classic, love it.
Bangkokbois said:
Oooops. Christian usually catches my typos for me. That one I think I’ll just leave.
Good point though Al, if the mamasan is in drag, threatening to give her a noogie will get rid of her quickly.
tim said:
another slip ?? … i know we had a post about whitney huston a while ago .. but havent you made another slip up here ?? what the hell have you put her picture in this post for ?? no wonder those boys dont look happy having to listen to her .
Bangkokbois said:
I think their unhappiness stems from besides emceeing, she’s all hands. Not sure why she is the go-to drag queen when you’re holding a hunk contest in Bangkok, but she’s always there regardless of the bar. See what ya miss by hanging in Pattaya?
🙂
Al said:
One should keep in mind Bkkbois, a Pattaya poofter who can string together a sentence is a rarity. You should be honoured, grateful and no less condescending for Tim’s input.
Bangkokbois said:
lol
Damn, that was a lot of snarkiness packed into one sentence!
Congrats!
tim said:
i did spend 5 nights in bangkok most evenings i was sat on dicks terrace … even that sounds rude .. i was hoping to catch a sighting of noom but it wasnt to be .. tho the massage boys across the way are pleasant eye candy .. love the short skinny guy .. theres also a new waiter in dicks .. hes tall and thin but really really cute 20ish id imagine .. i tried chatting with him but hes really shy .. he has a totally different look to most thais.. i wished i had more time to sway him 🙁
must admit im not that much into the go go sceen.. and looking at the faces of the *dancers* it seems neither are they !!!
Bangkokbois said:
I know it must be a bitch spending your night standing almost naked on stage while a bunch of old fat farang judge everything about you, but still. Course as soon as it looks like some baht might be headed their way the famous Thai smile starts glowing.
Can’t say I’ve ever noticed the waiters at Dick’s smile though. Last trip I was chatting with a guy working as Classic’s barker – he was cute, which I guess goes without sating or I wouldn’t have been talking with him – and it turned out he was a cook at Dick’s on the early shift, and hotter than most bar’s boys.
rob P. said:
Though not a frequent visitor to Bangkok, when I do find myself there I always begin my visit with a trip to Tawan bar where I off the muscle guy of my choice. More often than not, he ends up as my companion for the remainder of my trip, and last time we began our adventure with a three day stay at the home of his family before going on to Chiang Mai. But I digress…..What I wanted to say is that I have never seen, let alone encountered, a mamasan at Tawan. Perhaps I was just lucky, but , thanks to your expert advice, will know how to handle him/her if ever my luck changes.
Bangkokbois said:
Thanks for your comment Rob. I’d considered mentioning the lack of mamasans at Tawan in this post, but thought I’d save that for some glowing review of the bar in the future. The guys there handle all the mamasan duties on their own – without all the attitude.
Nice to hear from another satisfied Tawan customer. Like you, I’ve always found Tawan guys to be friendly and enjoyable. I think the bad rep they get is from guys who’ve never even been there and don’t like guys with muscles. I notice on forums the posters who talk bad about the place usually start of with: “I’ve never been there but I heard . . . .”
Al said:
My two bob’s worth, I like Tawan in small doses. I hate the toilet massage. I usually give the buggers a good grope before I was my hands and that kinda fixes that on your next call of nature.
Do they still have the old un doing the traditional Thai lament/song/dance routine. It was really different and in stark contrast to the purpose of being there. I must say I rather enjoyed the break in monotony.
I found the boys ‘iffy’ at best. More interested in end baht than encouraging you to off them. Then I’m no f*kin oil painting either.
Had some good times there, I do prefer some of the seedier bars in and around that soi. It was convenient when I stayed at the Chateau “Up to You” round the corner.
Always good for a late one if the first one gets the mama sick, buffalo die, house on fire phone call and has to depart with great urgency with my very generous 100 bht to speed him there in a taxi no less. I know, I am too kind to these lads too often.
I remember a young Englishman asking me (discreetly) if all Thai guys had small appendages, I giggled like a nun in a sex shop. After I assured him this was the domain of Englishmen I took him to Tawan where he transcended into a gibbering wreck before me. (He was kinda cute and I may well have agreed to share a room with him if he palyed his cards right.) So the little limey bitch boy went home with a Tawan boy. I remember his tentative steps to breakfast the next morning……..ah, serves him right. Revenge is sweet. (At least MY new friend had breakfast WITH me..LOL!)
Bangkokbois said:
lol.
Yeah, if I had to pee while at Tawan I’d have Nut go move the guys out first. Been pissing for years so it’s not like I have to concentrate, but that’s really not the place for a massage. At least not in midstream.
The show changes at Tawan, sometimes its just the staff, sometimes they bring in a ladyboy act or the old hag comedy routine. For a while a few years ago they had a magician. That was different.
There’s no doubt that the stars at Tawan have their eye on the prize. Many only want to do short-time, especially if it is busy. Nut used to book three to four customers a night at times (most just wanted to do the muscle worship thing and didn’t care if he came or not).
And yeah, the idea Thais and muscle-builders are built small is a joke. Guess your English buddy found that out. You’re such a bitch Al.
🙂
Al said:
Better believe it honey!
Caleb Wickham said:
Hey, Al. You’ll be pleased to know that there was no assistance offered when I used the toilet at Tawan. No assistants, either. Either the practice has died in the arse (so to speak) or I am seriously ugly.
Michael said:
Any suggestions on how much to expect to pay to take a guy out of Tawan for two day? How does that work? Thanks!
Bangkokbois said:
Hi Michael. Yes, I have several ideas.
🙂
That’s be 2 days/nights, two long-time offs, each @ 1,500-3,000 baht. Some pay even more, you’ll doubtfully ever get away with less. There’s also two off fees, which you can pay nightly or if you committed to the two full days from the get-go, on your first night (the off fee is paid directly to the bar). You’re also responsible for his upkeep and amusement for those two days, the cost of which does not come out of his tip. And all of that depends on whether or not he wants to spend two full days with you.
bebot q gomez said:
thank you for replying to my queries. they are very much appreciated. hope you wouldn’t get sick and tired of my persistent inquiries in some mundane matters. as to your latest reply on “loading up on condoms”, that comes second. i am loading up on cash…! I would need that with #'”s 5 and 7 in mind… LOL
here’s another query: on the subject of long time off that might just eventually end up keeping the boy of my choice as a companion for the following day bumming around bangkok, that would definitely ups the fee…by how much? (i know you hate that question)
your tips on jade i find very very useful. i collect little jade figurines that i buy on my trips and thanks to you, none of the was fake (tested each piece as per your suggestion)
Hope we could meet sometime soon…in Bangkok, of course!
Thanks an best regards!
Bangkokbois said:
Thanks B, and glad my jade tips were of help. Your long-time off question is difficult to answer because of the variables. I’m assuming – and he would have to agree to it – that you offed him for long-time, so over night. Then want to spend the day together, but not off him again the next night. Keep in mind he will want to sleep and head to his room to change and get ready for work the next night. So at best you may hold on to him until 2 or 3 in the afternoon. For that I’d tip him 500 – 1,000 baht. And you shouldn’t expect another go around before he takes off.
If you off him one night, he stays over, and then stays with you for the day and you off him again for the next night then you would just tip him for the 2 nights off.
Does that make sense?
BTW, if you do keep him around, ask if he needs to exercise. Some are devoted to their daily work-out. Many go to Lumpini to exercise and tagging along can be a treat since a lot of his bar mates will be there flexing too.
🙂
bebot q. gomz said:
thanks! that helped me a lot. an additional 1,000 baht on top of his fee isn’t really that bad…especially if i’ve had a wonderful time with him…i wouldn’t even think about if if i hadn’t.
tagging along to that gym in Lumpini is a great idea…free show! count me in! LOL
tim said:
i remember the first time i ever saw the guys exercising in that park .. one totally tonned but not muscle guy i could have fallen in love with, but i didnt realise they were not straight and i got scared looking at him to long haha .. well not straight for cash anyhow .. .back to the point .. there was this great comotion and lots of shouting .. i was expecting to see fists flying everywhere … instead i saw this rancid dog running off with one of the guys training shoes .. so funny to watch a muscle bound hunk trying to chase the dog …
Bangkokbois said:
lol.
Yeah, muscle hunks don’t switch over to being track stars very often.
David Kerlick said:
I applaud your restraint and understatement!
Bangkokbois said:
Thanks David!
I think the only time I’ve heard the word restraint used in reference to me before was by a judge.
Caleb Wickham said:
I’m wondering – given the rancid invective towards mamasans herein – whether anyone has been given a discount on drinks at a bar? The reason I ask is this: I ended up in a true dive and alone, only customer there. I felt uncomfortable and would not commit to mamasan pressures. With the liquid equivalent of throwing cash into the air I shouted the bar drinks. Mamasan got up, hit a gong and drinks were distributed. I waved broadly that everyone should relax and sit down. They all lounged around, and some on me, but with a gentle nudge those lpressing against me sat up straight, respectfully. I was expecting to pay the standard B250 / drink, but mamasan said, “Discount for you!”. As good as her word, I was charged B150 for each of the 12 drinks. Is this phenomenon rare?
Caleb Wickham said:
I’m suitably impressed that anyone these days can refer to Ys so unself-consciously. Erudition seeps between the cracks!
Bangkokbois said:
rofl!