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A not-so-real scene in the video I Hate Thailand of a tourist's encounter with a Boy In Brown would have been a much different conversation in real life.

A not-so-real scene in the video I Hate Thailand of a tourist’s encounter with a Boy In Brown would have been a much different conversation in real life.

I never expect much out of the Tourist Authority of Thailand’s (TAT) attempts to lure more tourists to the Kingdom. It’s a doomed affair from the get-go; while there is much about Thailand to love, and while few other places in the world can boast of the exotic mixed with the familiar as can The Land of Smiles, TAT’s campaigns always come from an uniquely Thai point of view. Which seldom has anything to do with how the tourists they are trying to attract think. A few years back, TAT went after the pink tourist dollar in their Go Thai Be Free campaign. Which included a LGBT microsite billed as “Your best source of information when planning your travel experience to Thailand.” The web site had lots of rainbows on it. Info of interest to gay tourists, not so much.

DJ Station got a mention, but the site didn’t know if the popular dance club was a gay friendly establishment or not. And they only managed to find four massage places in Bangkok that catered to gay men. It was commendable that TAT wanted to attract more gay tourists to Thailand, a shame they forgot to include the gays in their attempt to do so. Unless you count ladyboys – the third gender were prominently featured on TAT’s site .’Cuz everyone knows local drag queens are the real draw when it comes to gay tourists.

Thanks to natural disasters, well-publicized scams against tourists, the occasional dead visitor, and civil unrest, TAT hasn’t had an easy job as of late. It’s hard to be pro-active when you’re busy putting out fires. And it’s difficult to put a good face on your country’s leader’s attempt to pull his nation kicking and screaming into his version of a democratic future when the rest of the world is busy saying military dictatorship. When movie-goers flashing the three-finger salute from The Hunger Games get arrested during the franchise’s Bangkok premiere of its latest installment, coming up with an acceptable spin is a Herculean task. Even more so when you are still trying to draw the world’s attention away from a pair of bloody tourist bodies washed up on the beach of Koh Tao. Not that TAT hasn’t tried. But attempting to re-establish your country’s face when the subject at hand is the bashed in faces of what once was a young, attractive couple from the UK is a job even Bill Cosby’s publicist would turn down.

And we all know what this conversation would really have been too, you hansum man.

And we all know what this conversation would really have been too, you hansum man.

Being duplicitous, even if it is a time-honored tradition in Thailand, is probably not your best move when you’re dealing with the rest of the world. When your theater of operation is within the confines of the Kingdom, however, it can’t be beat. And in the recent efforts of two different branches of Thailand’s public-relations machine, only The Good General’s scored a knock-out. But then scoring a win against Kim Kardashian’s ass ain’t much of a victory.

TAT’s latest attempt to counter reality with fiction is an anonymously posted YouTube video called I Hate Thailand that appeared on Tuesday and quickly went viral. It’s a five minute long uplifting and completely fake tale about a tourist, ‘James’, who misplaces his bag filled with all of his worldly possessions, meets a cute Thai girl who is not a ladyboy who, displaying the friendliness and generosity of the Thai people, befriends the unlucky traveler and eventually helps organize a twenty-person search party to find the unlucky’s visitors belongings. The surprise ending is that James’ wayward bag was the fault of a band of local monkeys, and not the illegal Burmese immigrants you would have expected.
It’s a popular video in Thailand with Thais’ comments fully basking in the glow of how wonderful their countrymen are as proved by this video. Non-Thais had a different take. Most outside of Thailand were immediately suspicious and questioned James’ reality as well as his story. The truth, as they say, is in the details, and the details just didn’t add up. Two days later, James admitted he’s really Oliver and was paid to appear in the scripted video by a Thai production company that was funded by TAT. Oooops. My bad.

Look! A Burmese monkey!

Look! A Burmese monkey!

Oliver says, “I believe the purpose of making it was to portray Thailand in a good light. This is another angle on Thailand, an upbeat angle that shows the friendly, accommodating Thailand that a lot of expats and travelers alike can relate to.” Although perhaps not David Miller or Hannah Witheridge.

Of course TAT’s attempt at fooling all the people all of the time wasn’t a total failure. Those who’ve decided they love Thailand no matter what claim the video shows what the real Thailand is all about. The boys on Thai Visa debated the merits of the video before it was revealed that it was an advertisement by TAT, and while most pointed out the enormous number of breaches from reality contained within the clip, a few others defended its realism. Because rose-colored glasses have always been a popular item of fashion in Thailand. In the end, the question isn’t about whether the Thai people are all helpful, generous, friendly folk, or all out to scam every baht from tourists they can. It’s about Thailand’s tourism board resorting to a lie in trying to convince travelers their country is where they should be spending their holiday dollars.

Meanwhile, speaking of unbelievable bits of reality and human trash washing up on Thailand’s beaches, in case you missed it Kim Kardashian’s booty cracked its own version of a smile during a visit to The Land Of back in April thanks to E’s travel budget and the media’s insistence that we see more of what we’re all tired of seeing. Just because Rihanna did it first. During the Kardashian’s production crew’s visit, Kim’s ass fell in love with a 13-year-old orphaned Phang Na teen, and decided she wanted to adopt the girl. Just because Angelina did it first. And even though Mama Kardashian told her, “You can’t just shop for a child,” Kim had her heart set on starting a new collection, or as she put it, “I literally cannot stop thinking about her.” Because in reality television, ‘reality’ is not meant literally. But someone forgot to tell Kim’s ass that. Um, literally.

Kim Kardashian's ass does Thailand.

Kim Kardashian’s ass does Thailand.

But even in reality, who wouldn’t want to be part of the Kardashian clan and have a valid claim to their millions? I mean other than Bruce Jenner. Well, according to the Good General’s state run news agency, Pink, the aforementioned orphan, that’s who. Yesterday, taking a page from Nancy Reagan’s playbook, the 13-year-old just said no. Which was a lot nicer than saying, “I’d rather live in an orphanage than be adopted by Kim Kardashian.”

Back when Kim was literally thinking about how adoption would be easier on her figure than pregnancy would be, after visiting Pink’s orphanage on camera, she mused, “You can’t help but think like how you could change their life.” Evidently Pink could. And it wasn’t a rosy picture. Or at least that’s what The Good General’s PR machine would like you to believe. According to that source, “The level-headed 13-year-old called Pink said she shook with excitement when she heard the multi-millionaire wanted to adopt her, but insisted she wanted to study in Thailand instead then help her impoverished homeland and the orphans she has grown up with.” Which is the same answer level-headed 18-year-old bar girls usually give when a rich farang offers to take them back to his home country.

Supposedly after thinking over Kim’s adoption plans for her, Pink said, “‘Everyone wants to have a different or a better life, I suppose. But when I thought about it I realized it wouldn’t be good for me, because I would have to leave so much behind. I wasn’t ready for that.” Or maybe she Googled the Kardashians, saw a photo of Bruce Jenner, and decided she didn’t need to leave Thailand to see a ladyboy. Although if she saw her future mother’s sex tape, she probably didn’t think that was necessarily the world for her either. Regardless, this story too has some conveniently missing details. Like that Pink isn’t an orphan. Her mom Rose – whom Kim literally didn’t notice – was present during each of Kim’s visits with the girl back in April.

"And when you are a Kardashian your ass will grow this  big!"

“And when you are a Kardashian your ass will grow this big!”

Whether Pink’s tale is as based in reality as James’ was or not, or if it is just another attempt by The Good General to show how much the Thai people love their country, things probably worked out for the best. Requests for comments about the story from Kim were answered by her spokesperson who replied, “Kim is working and unavailable.” Which undoubtedly would have been the same story Pink would have lived with had Kim’s ass been playing the role of her mommy.

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