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What’s more fun than getting a face full of water? Rules to celebrate by, of course!

What’s more fun than getting a face full of water? Rules to celebrate by, of course!

With the official start of the Songkran holiday just a day away it’s the perfect time to review what you should and shouldn’t be doing to celebrate. At least it is according to the internet since a list of dos and don’ts for Songkran seems to be a popular subject. I’m not sure why that is. It seems to me that coming up with rules to celebrated a holiday puts a bit of a dampener on the whole affair. But then some people do enjoy their rules. Not that any of those folks are Thai; I’m sure the locals get a laugh out of the idea that farang think there should be rules applied to celebrating one of their holidays.

Nonetheless, any excuse that gives me the opportunity to use the word nonetheless is a good one in my book, so here is a much better list than you’ll find anywhere else of the Dos and Don’ts for celebrating Songkran even if it will drive the anal among you crazy for not being nicely divided between the things you should and should not do:

songkran hottie

Do beware of armed locals.

1. Don’t Drink The Water:
If you are reading this article you are probably a gay man (or soon will be), and that means you undoubtedly watched Sex In The City: The Movie. You may recall Charlotte, on the girls’ trip to Mexico, was extremely cautious about not drinking the water. And then ended up allowing a small sip to enter her mouth while showering. Which put her out for the count for the remainder of the holiday thanks to Montezuma’s Revenge. Then again thanks to Gilles Marini’s naked shower scene and his penis’ big screen debut soon thereafter you may not remember Charlotte’s plight after all. But trust me, it happened. And you should consider that as a warning about all of the water soon headed your way.

Tap water is not considered safe to drink in Thailand. At least not for touri. And that stuff is probably a hell of a lot cleaner than what you will soon be drenched with. Up north in Chiang Mai, the authorities even drain the rancid water from the moat and refill it with cleaner water before the festival begins. For all the good that does. So you may want to keep your damn mouth shut for a change. Or insure your travel vaccinations against water-borne viruses are up to date for once in your life. Playing safe during Songkran is just as important as it is when playing in the country’s gogo bars.

2. Don’t Act Like The World Hates You:
Okay, so maybe it does. But it really isn’t all about you. Fun is the rule of the day and if your personality doesn’t allow for that, stay home or stay in your hotel room watching reruns of I Love Lucy. No one likes a grumpy old sod glaring at them just because they directed a little water in his direction. But everyone does love aiming their water at said grumpy guss. So my bad. The world does, in fact, hate you. You may have heard the saying, ‘Let a smile be your umbrella.’ During Songkran that can be a pretty effective way of staying dry. Or drier. Or who knows, you may even begin to enjoy life for a change. If not, you’re sure to put a big smile on someone else’s face when they try to wash that frown off of yours.

naked wet t shirt guy

Do recognize the erotic aspects of a wet body.

3. Don’t Throw Water At Monks and Babies. Or At Baby Monks:
Huh. This one shows up on most other lists of what to do and what not to do when celebrating Songkran, though it should go without saying. Which means it needs to be said. Common sense dictates that there are some people whom you should not be dumping 50 gallons of water on. But since you have none, now you know. I’d add to this list ladyboys who are decked out in their finest. Buddhist monks are pacifists, babies can not defend themselves; ladyboys are a different story and if you dare to make their mascara run you are in for a world of hurt. If, on the other hand, you get a ladyboy wet accidently, just hand over some baht. Because we all know what a ladyboy will put up with for a bit of cash.

4. Do Throw Water At Hot Guys:
With your help Songkran can be one big wet T-shirt party. With a bit more precision in your aim, it can be even better. No one other than fussy old queens wears much in the way of clothing to a water fight. And it doesn’t take much water to reveal how little that clothing hides. Or how big. Now doesn’t Songkran sound like a lot more fun than it did ten minutes ago?

5. Don’t Wear Flip Flops:
If you have any sense of fashion you wouldn’t wear flip flops anyway, but then people on holiday often let their fashion sense go the way of their sense of personal safety, which takes a holiday of its own. During Songkran the two are one and the same; slippery when wet does not just apply to a lubed up ass. Smooth cement and tiled floors both became a water slide when wet, especially for those who thought flip flops were the perfect footwear choice for the day. Unless you are a local who has grown up wearing them. In which cased your spatulate toes will grip the ground for you.

songkran stud

Do take advantage of water’s properties in making pants see-through.

6. Do Watch Out For Elephants:
Though not a bad bit of advice for anytime of the year in Thailand, your degree of caution should be heightened during Songkran. Some locals have figured out an elephant makes a perfect answer to humongous Super Soakers and use the pachyderms to spray crowds of people with a single pull of the tail. But it’s the other liquid you need to watch out for. Elephants piss at a volume that would make a Songkran party goer with a 30 gallon trash can full of water jealous. And they urinate often (the elephants, not the Songkran party goers, though actually . . . never mind). Anyway, get too close and that water headed your way may not be water.

7. Do Throw Water At Motorcyclists:
Most of the other lists of what to do and what not to do when celebrating Songkran say you should not throw water at motorcyclists. Supposedly to avoid causing an accident. Stupid farang. First, everyone is fair game at Songkran and pulling that ‘I’m on a motorcycle so don’t get me wet’ crap just doesn’t work. Second, motorcyclists in Thailand do not need your assistance or lack thereof to get into an accident. They are perfectly capable of getting into a wreck on their own, with or without water present. And third, if the gods didn’t want you to drench motorcyclists they wouldn’t make them such tempting targets. So go for it.

8. Do Behave Yourself After Sundown:
As the sun goes down most people with a brain head back to their hotel or home to dry off and get ready for a night on the town drenching their thirst instead of their body. Yes, during the day you could hardly walk outside without someone throwing a bucket of water in your face. Come dusk, a truce descends on the city. Or it’s supposed to. But there’s always the odd asshole who doesn’t recognize when the party is over. Don’t let that be you. Even Thais have a limit on how much sanook they can handle in one day. And ya don’t want to be on the receiving end when what was fun just a few hours ago is no longer considered funny.

naked songkran

Do offer to help towel dry hotties. But use your tongue instead of a towel.

9. Do Or Don’t Head For Khaosan Road:
Ditto for Silom by the Saladang BTS station. Both are party central for Bangkok’s wildest water fights. Silom means a good mix of locals and touri getting wet and wild; Khaosan means you’ll get to experience the Euro-Trash/Backpacker version of the holiday. The nice thing about the festivities on Khaosan is that many of the revelers finally get the bath they so desperately need.

The point here is that everyone – and that now includes you – knows these are the two areas in town that get the wettest. Good if you want to join in on the fun, not so good if you want to stay dry. Consider yourself warned.

10. Do Have A Buddha Full Time:
Wow. Getting to use ‘nonetheless’ and a bad pun all in one post! I am blessed. And you should consider yourself to be blessed too. “Cuz that’s what all of that water you’ve been drenched with really is about. Contradictory to what you may think, fun loving Thais do not just throw water at each other for no good reason (besides getting a kick out of seeing other people soaking wet). The real meaning behind those massive water fights is to symbolically wash away all misfortunes and bad luck from the past year, thereby welcoming the new year with a fresh new start.

Do realize that all good things must come to an end. Just make sure you have a good viewing spot.

Do realize that all good things must come to an end. Just make sure you have a good viewing spot.

Traditionally, Thais would politely pour a bowl of water on members of the family, their close friends, and neighbors. The practice was meant as a blessing and as a show of respect. Even the local Buddha statue got a good dousing. As Songkran has taken on a more festive note, that bowl became a bucket, a garden hose, a water gun, and now a Super Soaker that holds 40 gallons of liquid ammo. But it’s the thought that counts. So as you wander down the street soaking wet, just keep repeating to yourself, “I have been blessed. I have been blessed.” It may not help convince you, but there’s a good chance people will think you are crazy for wandering around talking to yourself and they’ll be more circumspect about throwing water at you out of fear of how you might react.

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