I have not yet found a twelve step program to help me stop watching Bill O’Reilly’s show even though since the GOP lost the election last November he has turned into a maniacal braying ass filled with anger and ready to preach against the majority of his fellow citizens. Though it is fun watching him try to say nice things about the gays. It’s not that before The End Of America As We Knew It Bill was any less of an asshole, but he delivered FOX’s talking points of bigotry, class warfare, and racism with a twinkle in his eye. Kinda like a department store Santa who you knew was really a pedophile.

What redeems Bill’s show is that he covers the news that few others bother with. ‘Entitlements’ should be his Word of the Day everyday since it is now his favorite go-to complaint as well as his reasoning behind his people getting so severely trounced last November. Showing his viewers how badly the government wastes the tax payer dollars – that the GOP doesn’t want the country’s rich paying – on freebees for the masses means digging out the stories other news outlets ignore. And that’s a good thing. Otherwise I would never have heard about the 1.5 million the US National Institutes of Health (NIH) is about to spend on a study to determine why 75% of lesbians are obese and why gay men are not.

In Bill’s defense, his outrage is over the money, not over gays and lesbians. Conservatives love gays and lesbians these days. Almost as much as they love Mexicans. Or any other group that can be viewed as a voting block large enough to be worth going after. So his recent objection to the idea of transgendered people serving in the military wasn’t about gays – it was about the T people who don’t have enough weight in the voting booths to become part of the GOP’s new one-color rainbow coalition. Nor was his recent attempt to hold Colorado House Speaker Mark Ferrandino up as a probable pedophile over his objection to his state passing Jessica’s Law by identifying him as an openly gay man an attack on gays either. Wink, wink. That was a reasonable inference allowed against an openly liberal democrat. Who was never gonna vote Republican anyway. No, Bill’s outrage is over President Obama personally cutting a check for research into a natural phenomenon that is no more earth-shattering than the fact that the sky is blue. Face it, the majority of dykes are obese. And we all know who to blame that on: Haagen-Dazs.

The NIH’s proposed study is not the first to tackle this weighty issue. Kerith Conron, a research fellow at the Harvard School of Public Health already surveyed more than 67,000 Massachusetts residents between the ages of 18 and 64 to determine that while 17% of straight women got a triple 0 score from climbing on a set of scales, 26% of lesbians hit the blimpo mark. Not being a lesbian himself, Conron concluded the reason for the high number of obese dykes was “that it may be more acceptable for gay women to be fuller-figured.” Which ignores the fact that when you are surrounded by a herd of fat lesbians, it’s not so much about accepting a fatty as your mate as it is about having no other choice. I mean it’s not like the bar boys of Pattaya are thrilled with the bulging waistlines of the sexpat population. It’s just the reality of the beast; it’s a case of feast or famine.

Lesbians, unfortunately for them, are still women. And women like to nest. Unlike men for whom it’s all about spreading their seed. That impulse is responsible for the common observation that any second date between two dykes always involves a stop at the local U-Haul. While a second date for gay guys means one if not both of them forgot they had already hooked up with each other once, for the lesbian crowd it is the beginning of a brand new committed relationship. They move in with each other before their menstrual cycles have even had the time to sync. And then, big surprise, before they have decided which shade of pink fuzz to redo the bathroom in, they discover the only thing the two of them have in common is a love of pussy. Then one of the no-longer-a-couple meets someone new and heads off to the local U-Haul joint again, and the other is left to drown her sorrows in a half gallon of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. And becomes the fat lesbian that was always lurking within.

The second part of the NIH’s study – why gay men are not obese – was also touched on in Conron’s research. He found that among breeders 21% of those who only like their own dick were obese while a mere 14% of those who knew about the benefit of other men’s dicks suffered from a weight problem. That’s because gay guys know they have to stay in shape in order to find the perfect man who has a perfect body, a perfect job, a perfect car, and a perfect home. Perfection, being the elusive goal that it is (in others) means a never ending commitment to trying to be as perfectly in shape as possible so that if one day you do find Mr. Right he doesn’t immediately realize what a worthless human being you really are.

It doesn’t take a million dollar grant to determine why lesbians run toward fat and gay men don’t. The difference between gay men and lesbians is one of commitment. Gay guys are committed to the chase. Lesbians are committed to failed commitments. And Bill O’Reilly just needs to be committed. Even if his outrage, this time, is well placed. Having now settled this issue, I’m waiting for President Obama to send me my 1.5 million dollar check.

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