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White space, graphic designers will tell you, is one of the most important design elements in layout. What isn’t there highlights what is. White space allows you to focus on the important parts. It’s a minimalist approach to maximize potential.
It’s not by chance, or due to fat fingers, that I use a bit of white space in the phrase ‘Noom my bar boy friend and current love of my life.’ It’s a small amount of white space, a small difference in meaning, but allows for a large dose of reality. Bar boy friend is not the same as boyfriend. That’s not to say I regulate Noom to a spot beneath that of a boyfriend, or that I love him any less. If anything, it focuses on what is more important, that he is a friend. Besides, my choice of using that bit of white space isn’t about him, it’s about me. It’s not about the status of our relationship so much as it is about keeping me firmly grounded in the real world.
Punters on the gay Thailand forums have always had a problem with those who use the word boyfriend to describe the bar boy they’ve become attached to. They’ve always been quick to point out a bar boy whose time you pay for, who you see only a few times a year, and who lives thousands of miles away is not a boyfriend. But then those posters tend to take delight in throwing up roadblocks to anyone’s happiness. About anything. The boyfriend issue is just a convenient one to do so with. For a while it was the fashion to instead use ‘boy special’ rather than boyfriend. I don’t know why that term has always made me cringe. Perhaps because it implies that the guy you’d like to call a boyfriend but can’t is just one in a long line of guys whom you regularly spend time with. And if that is the case, he never reached boyfriend status anyway. That’s a fuck buddy.
There’s a space between both bar boy and boy friend in my chosen designation; perhaps there should be two spaces after the word boy. People tend to want to match the boy to friend when it actually pairs with bar. Noom is a bar boy. Who happens to also be my friend. Do with that what you’d like, but the important part of the phrase to me is that he is a friend. Just as the important part to my libido is that he is a bar boy. How ever you want to group the three, the idea, among the disgruntled and disenfranchised, that you can not be friends with a bar boy has always amazed me. And so often it comes from frequent visitors to Thailand, or from those who live there. I’ve never quite understood why they would put up an obstruction to the possibility of making friends with a bar boy. Especially when it is those same guys who seem to have so few friends in the first place. Or maybe that makes perfect sense.
So here’s a big secret about Thai bar boys that even those who prefer to be detractors seldom mention: Most of them suck at sex. And I don’t mean suck in a good way. For a group of people who make their living providing sexual services to strangers, their abilities and skills are sub par. Some would say that’s because so many of them are straight. But if you’ve ever had sex with a straight boy outside of the bar world you’d know how ridiculous of a claim that is. Those boys positively explode with eagerness, their sudden voracious appetite for all things dick puts those sexual trysts at the top of the pyramid. And besides, Thai sexuality is fluid – straight doesn’t really translate well into their culture.
Others will tell you that the problem is not with the bar boys as much as it is with the customers they have to service. Fat, old, myopic . . . if the boys even manage to get hard they should be commended. I can’t really argue with that logic but at the same time know the problem with that stance is that it puts sex at the forefront. And that’s not always the case.
Many customers see their interaction with a bar boy at its most basic level, a cash for sex transaction. Jaded bar boys do too. They typically want as much of the former for as little of the latter as possible. With the exact opposite in the minds of punters. Neither walks away happy. The tip is never as grand as hoped for, the sex never as satisfying as dreamed about.
That seems to be a dynamic more prevalent in Pattaya – more and more I read about boys who watch straight porn on their cell phones to get into the mood. That certainly isn’t a harbinger to a fun night in bed. It’s kinda like going to a restaurant where the cook comes out, takes one look at you and says, “Yeah, well, I’m not going to bother heating up the stove for whatever you order.”
Thai bar boys did not earn the glorious reputation they have because they are good in bed. They aren’t. While it may be the initial attraction as well as an important part of the affair, sex was never what traditional Thai bar boys were peddling. The boyfriend experience was. The sex, good or bad, was always just a lucky bonus.
For decades, men from all over the world have fallen in love with Thai bar boys. You don’t hear of that phenomenon involving commercial sex workers in Brazil, Amsterdamn, Montreal, Cuba, Prague, or any other place where the sex trade for gay men flourishes. It’s not because Thais are better looking, better built, or better at sex. What they have always been better at is providing the experience that the connection is real, that they love you, care for you, and want to be with you. You pay a prostitute for sex, you pay a Thai bar boy for pretending he is your boyfriend.
Some say you don’t pay a bar boy for sex, you pay him to leave after the sex. I get that. I understand that some guys don’t want friendship, a relationship, or even to know the guy’s name. No problemo. Except if the sex is all you are interested in, heading to Thailand seems an awfully expensive way of going about it. And the odds are the sex you have, if you are even lucky enough to get that far, won’t be very good. Coming into town, hooking up with a guy you like, and then spending the next week or two enjoying his companionship however . . . Thai guys excel at making that fantasy reality.
It’s a unique occurrence in the world of travel that a gay man can travel solo to a foreign country and almost immediately no longer be alone. That’s part of what makes Thailand amazing. You can have a companion, a tour guide, and a sex partner, someone to laugh with, to see the sites with, and to wake up next to. It’s almost like having a boyfriend back home. And it is what has made countless gay men fall in love with Thailand.
For some, that fantasy never ends. They continue the relationship after they’ve left the country and count down the days until they return again. Others fly away with a satisfied smile on their face and pleasant holiday memories playing through their mind. And they’ll do it again, with a different guy, on their next trip. Those guys are almost always satisfied customers, they paid for sex and found companionship instead. Having not yet sampled every bar boy in Bangkok I can’t tell you if their sex was good, but can guarantee you they didn’t spend part of the evening watching their guy trying to get interested in them by watching straight porn on his cell phone. Even if he was straight.
Sometimes it’s better to treat sex as though it is white space. Sometimes it’s better that sex is not your focus but rather a vehicle to emphasize those things that can be more significant. And pleasurable. Sex with Noom is great (thank the gods). But my white space approach to who we are to each other, a friend, is what makes the relationship special.
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Paul said:
Half Thai myself, come to Bangkok every four months. Have yet to try to off a guy yet though I am helluva tempted 🙂 Gotta find the guts one day!
Bangkokbois said:
Consider it your duty to help the Thai economy Paul.
Charitable acts are easier to indulge in.
🙂
ChristianPFC said:
Some interesting points which I will keep in mind and think about.
I have been looking for white space on your blog, but there is only black space.
Bangkokbois said:
lol
Cute Christian.
I think it was Smiles who noted all the black space was a reflection of the color of my heart.
jeffreymonsoon said:
I read a forum that primarily has to do with sex workers around the world, and peoples experiences with them. One of the posters is a businessman who travels constantly and is always posting about his experiences in Latin America, Brazil, Europe. This guy is very busy and I don’t think he spends a night alone all year. The other people on the forum marvel at his success rate at not only hiring guys that won’t roll over and play dead, (he is not overly generous, pays the market rate) but at having a good time, and having boys remember him and want to do repeat business, sometimes years later. His “Trick” seems to be pretty simple, he sets out to be friends and have fun with everyone he hires, whether it’s for an hour in a Brazilian sauna or for a week in Thailand. He’s looking to have a good time, and while part of that good time is getting his rocks off, it’s not the whole thing.
I really think that’s a big reason why Noom is attracted to you, and you to him. And why I love reading about your adventures together.
Bangkokbois said:
Thank you Jeffrey.
I do beleive that guy hit on the key.
Even if sex is your primary motivation, that’s supposed to be fun too.
You’ll always have a better time if the guy has some fun instead of viewing his time with you as work.
Logan said:
Smiles was always good for the bitter word!
Glad you are pondering on BKKBoi’s posts Christian – i enjoy your accounts of your travels on the other boards, but they just seem so….hectic.
I think if you took a BFE (Boy Friend Experiance) nice and slow you would find you liked it!
xiandarkthorne said:
I think you have analysed the situation admirably for many gay visitors to Thailand. While I have had great sex in LOS, I agree that most barboys suck at it – especially the new (they don’t know what to do) or the most conventionally good looking ones (they’re used to being offed for their faces and not their dick skills). I do think, however, that a certain degree of detachment is necessary when it comes to sex with barboys though such a state is not an easily achievable one for most newcomers to LOS – nor yet for some who’ve been here too long. I’m speaking from personal experience because I remember very clearly that when I was desperately looking for a boyfriend in the bars, I seldom enjoyed what I got but once I’d been bitten enough times, I had much more and better fun than before.
Bangkokbois said:
Good point XD.
There’s a big difference between looking for a boyfriend and looking for the boyfriend experience. If the former was that easy to achieve, we’d all have been demanding the right to marry long ago.
I think maybe I’m still tring to fit a square peg in a round hole and might have been better off dropping the boyfriend and just going with friend. But then not everybody has sex with their friends. Huh. I’ll keep working at it.
xiandarkthorne said:
I agree about the subtle but huge difference between a ‘boyfriend experience’ and a ‘boyfriend’ but it’s not one that many people like to think about is it? Let alone actually keep in mind when novelty, alcohol and testerone are clouding one’s senses.
Bangkokbois said:
I was gonna agree with you and make some comment of warning, but ya know what? Who cares? If they are happy, that’s all that matters. God knows enough people live fantasy lives that don’t bring them happiness, so go for it, indulge your urges and ignore reality.
Lukylok said:
I like your analysis. It’s very true.
I use BS myself, but if you find something better, I’ll definitely take it. ” Je suis preneur “
Bangkokbois said:
That’s my other problem with boy special, it’s often abbreviated to BS, which is already in use for an entirely different meaning. I’m kinda liking Logan’s use of BFE (in lieu of the entire phrase). It still provides for the boyfriend part of the relationship but accounts for the differences too without being derogatory.
Bill H said:
I live/work in Thailand and I question where u get the pics (or meet) of the muscular, athelitic looking “Thais”? Guys like this are scare in LOS, most are skinny and on the fem side. Some of your pics of the gay men seem to be not Thai but other Asians.
Bangkokbois said:
Most are Asian but not strictly Thai ‘cuz you are right Bill, the majority of Thai men are slight of built. But there are hunks there too, thank the gods!
Hang out by one of the fitness centers in Bangkok and you’ll be amazed . . .
as-boy said:
okay so he’s just good friend to you and youre concern about his condition as a bar boy? and that concludes a bar boy friend? and he never date or relationship because he is straight?
Bangkokbois said:
Mmmmmmmm, why bar boy friend rather than boyfriend? Probably distance more than anything else. That means we only see each other a few times each year. Which hardly sounds like a boyfriend to me. As for him being straight, well, that’s a label that seldom fits the fluidity of Thai guys.
as-boy said:
mmm yeaa you smart ass, i think its quite retorical from the very first…but i think it rather sounds a bit razionalitation to me 😀
James said:
I don’t entirely agree with the author’s proposition that taking a bar boy away on holiday is always a fulfilling and soulful experience. I have had four years experience living in the LOS and have many Thai friends, some of which I have gone away with and have always enjoyed their company. However, more than one night with a bar boy usually turns into a disaster. Without having had the chance to get to know one another properly each party’s high expectations are often dashed. I remember taking one guy to Pai after meeting him a week earlier in a bar in Chiang Mai. During that week everything was lovey dovey which made me think that it could work out. Therefore I booked a four star spa resort in the mountaintops and was prepared to impress. However, upon checking in to out hotel, he switched on the TV and just slept, not wanting to go anywhere or do anything for the rest of the day. The following day I had to gently coerce him to do anything and when we did go out for the day he moaned about everything, the places we visited, the weather, the food we ate, my driving, the people etc…… I kept asking him what he wanted to do but all I got was “up to you”. Once we had returned to the hotel he went straight to bed. By this time I had had enough and tried to get to the bottom of what was troubling him. I was told that it was because I had stopped him copying out a whole webpage at 3 am the previous night and had mistakenly told him the wrong direction on the motorbike. The following morning, while I was in the shower, he checked himself out of the hotel and disappeared!!!! I am sorry but despite me trying to accommodate him and take into account the disparity of culture, language and lifestyle, I cannot justify his actions. Moody, selfish and childish are the only words. I have had similar problems with another bar boy on holiday before but thought that this time it would be different. Let’s be honest here, to take a boy you have just met away on holiday means just money for him and to pretend that he has your interests at heart is simply naive. Don’t get me wrong, I love Thai people and have many friends there and it is those who deserve to be pampered, not vultures in the bars!
Bangkokbois said:
Fair enough James. And I thank you for your input. My experience has been different than yours, so it’s always good to hear from others too. Every relationship is different, but I think expectations end up playing an important role in whether or not you have a satisfactory time with a bar boy who you take away for a trip. He may only be in it for the money. Or he may have a completely different idea of what that trip should be. Sounding him before – which with their up to you attitude can be difficult – is important so that you both understand what the trip will entail.
Spending an extended time off with a boy in town is a bit different. There’s less pressure and if things begin to take a downturn, its easier to get out of the situation. But I believe it is a risk worth taking. Every guy I’ve offed for a week or more has been a pleasure to be around and I’ve been able to experience things that I’d otherwise would have missed out on.