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Undoubtedly, I’ve waxed erotically over my bar boy friend and current love of my life, Noom, on these pages before. At least once or twice. It’s difficult not to. The man is a hunk. And whenever Noom pops into my mind, it’s usually vivid pictorial memories of his naked body that accompany those thoughts. So much so that you’d think these posts should be called I Fell In Lust With A Bar Boy. But that wouldn’t make for very interesting stories ‘cuz every gay man who has ever stepped foot inside of a gogo bar in Bangkok has fallen in lust with a bar boy. The smart ones pay his off fee and take him back to their hotel to pursue that lust to its natural conclusion. Because happy endings are what Thailand’s all about.
Lust is pretty much a 24/7 state of being for me when I’m in the kingdom. From the cute waiter at breakfast to the hot hunk at the mall to the novice monk showing nipple at a wat, there is a non-stop constant bombardment of lustful displays of eye candy waiting for me. Even the stoic officer at Immigration causes my mind to start fantasizing over how much fun it would be to strip him out of that uniform. That’s soon followed by the thought that maybe rather than tip him I should throw the bellhop who takes me to my room onto the bed and give him an orgasm instead. Not that that’s an either/or proposition. I’ve done both in the past.
I’m pretty sure Noom knows how many guys I undress with my eyes daily in Thailand. But he doesn’t care. ‘Cuz he knows all he has to do is undress himself and my focus will, again, be entirely on him. Fortunately, Noom is naked almost as often as I am in lust. So that works out well for the both of us. Although I’ve yet to figure out how it is that cuddled naked in bed together after a long session of hot, sweaty sex, I can still be looking at his body with so many lustful thoughts in my head. I think it must be love.
Someone – whom I really wished hadn’t been the one asking – recently questioned if I would still be as attracted to Noom if sex was no longer part of the equation. So there is such a thing as a stupid question. My attraction to Noom isn’t about the sex we have but rather the sex I want to have when I look at him. Even when we are in the middle of having sex. I think what he meant to ask was whether or not Noom and I would still have the same relationship if sex was no longer part of our relationship. That’s a better question. A loaded one considering who it came from, but a better question nonetheless. And one I’ve considered before. Although, perhaps, with less thought as to what that might mean to someone else.
Early on in our relationship I considered the issue of sex/money/relationship thanks to either the angle or devil on my shoulder, depending on who you ask. I think that is a set of issues many farang involved with a bar boy have questioned in the past. It seems to be a disloyal thought when you suspect you are falling in love and hoping the object of your affections is falling in love with you too. Because it is not about love, but rather about motivation. Or appears to be. But as guilty of a thought as that may be, the alternative is to fix your rose-colored glasses firmly to you face and stumble blindly into a future that may well end up with you being one of those disgruntled farang who claims some bar boy done him wrong. And that’s not ever a pretty sight.
Of course when that question came up the first time – back when it was for my own edification and not posed with ulterior motives attached – the answer was an easier one. Because it had no basis in reality. I could question whether I’d still want to be with Noom if the sex was cut off, or whether he would still want to be with me if the money stopped, but that was a debate of fantasy. Neither was going to happen. Because while you may say it’s about money and sex, we both know it’s about taking care of the other person’s needs. Which in this case, as it is in many, is sex and money. At least for now.
The initial attraction was Noom’s body and my wallet. It was lust at first sight. As it should be. And over the years my money and his body have continued to play an important role in our relationship. But our relationship has grown, our friendship has matured. It’s no longer just about money and sex. When my little head stops its reminiscing and my big head takes over the controls once again the warm feelings I get thinking about Noom are about who he is and not what he looks like. And how he makes me feel when I’m with him. So yes, if sex was no longer part of the equation I would still be just as attracted to Noom, just as much in love with him. And I realize that at some point sex will probably no longer be part of our relationship. That’s assuming that even at an advanced age I won’t find the naked body of an 80-year-old to be something that stirs lust within my heart. But that’s only an assumption. So I’ll get back to you in another forty years.
Of course I could have told you that years ago if I’d only asked Noom. Not that I had to. Because he once told me as much. From our first night together, he knew. And a year or so later one night when we were cuddled together naked in bed – not having sex, but with lust working its usual magic on my psyche – he said, “Dis when I happy.” It wasn’t that I wasn’t listening; his words at that time however were filtered through my lust. Only later did I realize it wasn’t about us not having sex, or about being naked together, but rather the affection we shared in simply being together. Noom knew way before I did that ours was an affair of the heart.
Despite what you would assume from those who vent their disillusionment on the message boards, there are a lot of successful relationships between farang and bar boys out there. Genuine relationships. Real relationships. Not the relationships of boyfriends who change faces several months later, but relationships that began years ago and are just as strong today. One of the benefits of writing this blog is that I hear from farang in those relationships. Some of whom have moved beyond the sexual to pure friendship. You’d think since that’s where it started, when sex is no longer in the picture, those relationships would be over. Not true. Maybe that’s the difference between lust and love.
I’ve heard from several farang who were in a relationship with a Thai for years, enjoying his company as much as they enjoyed having sex with him. Years later, for one reason or another, the boy moves on in his life, often returning to his village, often finding a wife and starting a family. You’d think that would be the end of that relationship. But instead the farang remains an important part of that guy’s life. He becomes part of that guy’s family. Sex is no longer part of the picture, but the affection and love the two shared still is. It would be easy to write those relationships off as examples of sad farang who have so little in their lives that they are willing to settle for a pseudo-relationship with a guy who won’t even have sex with them any longer. But if that’s your take, a quick peek in the mirror will show you who the sad farang really is.
Orgasms are cheap and easy to come by. What those farang have is the brass ring. It’s not about lust. It’s about love. And hearing from those farang share their pride in the achievements of the men who were once their sexual partners, provides a small inkling of the difference between the two. There are those too who continue to have a relationship with a Thai guy that includes sex, probably even more of them. And I’m not trying to discount those relationships. That’s the cake, with the icing, and a cherry on top. But when you remove what everyone assumes is the main attraction, at least for the farang, and still have a warm, loving relationship . . . how can you then claim that’s not a real, genuine relationship? How can you then assume that sex and sex alone is what makes a relationship between a farang and a Thai or between any two people – tick? You need to quit thinking with your dick.
Noom and my relationship still includes sex, largely due I’m sure to the high degree of lust I still feel for him. That may, or may not, continue for years to come depending on how what we share together plays out. And while I’m thankful for it, the act of sex in and of itself, is no longer the driving force – for me – behind what we share. It is part of our relationship, yet separate from it too. If that makes sense. That’s not something new. That’s not a paradigm I’ve grown into. I think that has been a standard of our relationship for years because of what he does for a living. Many have marveled at my caviler attitude towards his life as a bar boy, that I’m not jealous over the time he spends with customers and that, if anything, I encourage visitors to Bangkok to off him. I probably would be jealous, I probably would be concerned, if any of that had anything to do with our relationship. But it doesn’t. It’s just sex. Or bidness, in his mind. Which has absolutely zero impact on what the two of us share. Other than that occasionally he picks up some new trick. And I thank you for that.
But back to the original poorly posed question. I’ll always be attracted to Noom because of who he is, not because of the orgasms I’ve enjoyed with him. Would our relationship change if those orgasms were no longer part of our time together? Sure it would. There would be a lot less post-coital showering involved. Would our not having sex in some way lessen our relationship, or even bring it to an end? You’re thinking with your dick again. Focusing on the sexual part of our relationship – while understandable – provides the wrong picture; sex should not be your concern. Because sex hasn’t been the basis of what we share for years. And whether or not we continue having sex will have no impact on that relationship. Or on its future. It’s not what is important. It’s not what makes our relationship what it is. Noom is and always will be part of my life. Because I didn’t just fall in lust with a bar boy. I fell in love with Noom.
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Anonymous said:
Aw, how sweet can you get? Such humanity — these are the relationships that make life worth living.
While many of us have taken your title for this series as tongue-in-cheek — a euphemism for ‘falling in lust with a bar boy’, you’ve really set us straight — you mean it literally. Best wishes to you and Noom.
Bangkokbois said:
To be honest with you, when I started these posts that was a bit of tongue in cheek titling. But the gods love a good laugh too . . .
Alex said:
This particular post could have used some photos of Noom in all his glory. Not complaining, just saying. 😛
I think yours and Noom’s makes a fine showcase success story to offset the doom and gloom spread elsewhere in large quantities, and I take great delight in reading about your experiences whenever you’ve got an update for us.
While I think that having either a long-distance relationship or a relationship with a bar boy – by themselves – might lower the chance of success, I’m intrigued by your model of combining both: When you’re in Thailand, you want to make most of your time here with Noom. If he had any kind of regular job, that would be much harder. On the other hand, I imagine that having a full-time/live-in “bar boy friend” here in Bangkok would be pretty stressful.
Bangkokbois said:
Thanks Alex.
I don’t think I could do a full-time/live-in bar boy friend if I lived in Bangkok. If I made the commitment to move to Thailand, I’d finance Noom’s existence or supplement it so he could find a job that didn’t entail having sex with other men. That would not include buying him his own bar (just to keep Mitch from bringing that up yet again).
I have thought in the past in regard to off fees & tips that if he worked elsewhere I’d still have to pony up to cover loss wages if I expected him to drop everything and spend his time 24/7 with me when I visit. That thought kinda takes the sting out of the cash I do pay out. Not that boyfriends anywhere in the world aren’t just as costly!
Mitch S. said:
Hmph! Just an occasional attempt at getting you to keep your sacred promise to Noom.
Bangkokbois said:
Yes, but I still wish you’d quit emailing him those brochures of available bar space.
Alex said:
I think that’s a pretty common line of thinking, taking boys and girls out of the bars and compensating them for their loss of income.
One question is, will someone who has worked as a bar boy for a considerable time be happy with a regular job? I mean, it’s a huge difference, and the choice of jobs available for an ex-bar boy is usually quite limited. (That’s why Mitch’s thought, opening some kind of business, is probably not a bad idea, bar or no bar.)
There’s also the problem with motivation. Let’s say the regular job’s salary is 15,000 baht and the bar boy salary was 30,000+ baht (just as examples). Getting 15,000+ allowance or compensation from your BF doesn’t exactly do wonders to motivate you to work full-time in a boring job for the same or lower amount. Again, doing something exciting like starting a business could help.
I once had a somewhat similar scenario with a former BF of mine who wasn’t a bar boy, but a college student who worked part-time to finance his studies. Just for hanging out with him, I already spent more than he could earn part-time, so his obvious suggestion was… to hang out less (not really, but that served as the teaser to get the discussion started) and let him quit his job. Ha! Quite understandable.
Bangkokbois said:
Math?
You’re making me do math?
🙂
Mitch’s motivation aside, a bar boy moving into regular employment is a problem. Not just the $$$ difference, but the liveliness of the livelihood. And despite what one may think, having something of interest to occupy one’s time is important for anyone’s mental health (I’d point to Pattaya’s sexpat population as an example). So if you are gonna take the boy out of the bar, you need to help him find something both productive and enjoyable to do.
Which I avoid completely by remaining in a long-distance relationship instead.
raju said:
Read your blog with great interest. One question has always intrigued me and till now, I have felt odd to ask u this. From all that u assert, Noom is straight and u are a top. So does Noom allow you to fuck him? You have also never posted a naked photo of Noom. Would love to see him in his glory.
Bangkokbois said:
What’s with all the ‘Noom in all his glory’ requests!?
I gotta re-read that post.
🙂
Actually Raju, I have posted photos of Noom in all his glory before. Just never identified them as such. He’s requested I not post pictures of his face and better parts together. So that will probably never happen.
As for part 2 of your comment, let’s assume he has also requested I not post about any specific sexual positions he may or may not have taken with me and leave it at that.
🙂
lukylok said:
I understand you very well. I found my friend – correction, he found me – a few years ago, and he was working in a bar. After 2 years, he told me he was getting a little old for that life, and bought a car to take touri around. I must add that he knows everything about history etc….and was rather successful. Last year he told me he had the opportunity to take over a bar. Which he did. He never asked me for money, but I gave him some support, not enormous.
But he has the quality of a squirrel, and never spends more than stictly necessary. He works 12,14,16 hours a day, as he still drives people around while running his bar.
I am very happy to see him so successful !
The only drawback is now we talk about marketing, where he can buy cheaper, shoud he make a new promotion ….
Our relationship has matured, we are on a nearly equal footing, And we enjoy being together very much.
All relationships are not sob stories !
Bangkokbois said:
I think “we are on a nearly equal footing” is an important part of sustaining these types of relationships. Even if financially there is still a wide discrepancy, that both can claim to be on similar rungs of the social ladder really makes a difference.
Or maybe it’s just having a boyfriend who works.
🙂
Alix said:
Hi,
I have a confession to make – I have been reading your blog for nearly a year now, and I love it and I learn a lot from it especially on the go-go bar in Bangkok. I have wanted to write to you, mostly agreeing with what you have written and also to thank you for the informative / figurative messages that you have published in your blog. To be honest, you have helped me a great deal in my visit to Bangkok go-go bars when I was traveling alone a year ago.
I particularly like this post because I was also in this cross-road of whether I can continue loving a money-boy (similarly to bar boy) and the relationship. To be frank, I haven’t make up my mind on this issue.
I hope to read more goodies coming soon. All the best to your love and life.
alix
Bangkokbois said:
Nice to hear from you Alix.
I’ve been at that cross-road of whether I can continue loving a money-boy/ bar boy too. Many times. And probably, in my mind, more times than necessary. I think in the end it boils down to trust more than the financial arrangements of a relationship. If you don’t trust him and where’s he’s coming from, the money is just a convenient excuse to question motives. What I did discover was while I was questioning motivation and trustworthiness, so was he.
Good luck to you! Hope it works out.