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freeballing

Going Commando is one of life’s little pleasures.

Freeballing, or going commando, is not for everyone. Gentlemen have been raised to always wear underwear. But then ladies were raised to never wear white after Labor Day, too, and today that rule of fashion is as valid as a drunk’s resolve. So maybe it’s time for the men of the world to loosen up and enjoy the freedom freeballing offers.

Sometimes the best answer to the question of boxers or briefs is a polite, “No, thanks.” To air is human, to freeball divine. And good for you, too. Especially where it’s hot. Going commando in the tropics not only means you are cool, but will keep cool. In hot and humid climes, you tend to sweat. Underwear, especially briefs, contributes to keeping skin damp and hot. Dampness and heat promote skin infections, especially in the crotch. Experienced jungle fighters in WWII and Vietnam learned to not wear underwear to avoid rashes. It’s believed this is where the term ‘going commando’ originated. And it was official, too. Combat veteran Thomas J. Cutler’s authoritative book, Brown Water, Black Berets, which details operations of the U.S. Navy’s riverine forces in Vietnam, states that one of the lessons learned by the military operating in SE Asia was “…the realization that troops should not wear underwear while operating in this moist climate.”

There is always the option of peppering your little buddy’s home with talcum powder to try and keep the area dry, but when another is to just let him out to play, the decision seems to be an obvious one. So it would seem that freeballing was made for Thailand. And would go a long way to explaining why the Kingdom is known as The Land of Smiles. But, you need to be aware that it’s against the law to leave your house in Thailand if you’re not wearing underwear. I’m not sure how the Boys in Brown determine the fine for that offense. Possibly by the inch?

Freeballing

Freeballing will put a smile on your face.

There is a time and place for everything. There are definitely times that deciding to spend the day swinging in the air is not a good idea. Business attire, a suit and coat, is not conducive to letting the air in. Depending on the cut of your suit, you may be displaying the cut of your little buddy as well. It may be good to be known as an innovative thinker, but a bulge not disguised by a bit of extra cloth has never screamed management material.

There are also times where you need a bit of support, like in the gym (while exercising, if you are cruising, then commando is the way to go). One of the cons of freeballing is everything sways to the music. And if your’s sways low, then you are no longer a free-spirit who prefers going commando, but rather a perv who gets off exposing himself in public. Unless you are a man of great stature. Then it’s just bragging.

Freedom may be just another word for nothing left to lose, but there’s some things a guy just can’t live without. Your little buddy is one of them. So you also need to consider possible damage to your most cherished possession when going commando. Tight pants and a metal zipper are not a good match; there’s a reason why those things are called teeth and you don’t want to risk getting bitten.

Of course I’d never post without first turning to the world authority on all matters, Google, and in this case found a web-wide glaring error. Folks, women do not go commando. It’s not a lady-like activity for no better reason than that they lack the necessary anatomy to qualify. Even dykes are not suitable freeballing candidates. Yes, I’ve seen all the pictures of Britney, Lindsay, Paris and every other skank of the hour who decided it was just too damn hot out to be wearing a g-string. But going commando is not the right term. That’s more about shooting beavers than freeballing.

freeballing

Now THAT is an excellent argument in favor of freeballing

Sometimes you feel like your nuts, sometimes you don’t. When you are hot, so are your balls, and you need to let those puppies cool down and breathe. There are health benefits to going commando in addition to rash and infection avoidance. Your balls try to maintain a constant temperature for your little swimmers, they act like an automatic thermostat. When the temp is too high, your testicles drop down to cool off. When the temp is too low, they retreat into your body to keep warm.

When you wear briefs, your testicles stay up, snug as a bug in a rug. Briefs are tight and don’t allow your body’s automatic thermostat to work efficiently. This can have a negative effect on sperm production. Freeballing, on the other hand, allows your body to act like it should and helps keep your sperm count high. Of course gay guys aren’t really into procreating, but if it is a good excuse for going commando, why leave that option hanging?

butt crack is wack.

Freeballing is good, butt crack is wack.

Fashion, however, may dictate whether you decide to go commando or not. And so may your local police department. Hip hop style calls for low hanging pants on guys. You know, the ‘waist at knee level’ look that for some reason the youth of today thinks looks cool. On the right guy, I love this look. Nothing like a free butt show to make my day. I really wish the guys with great bubble butts would combine low hangers with freeballing. But most don’t have the back to pull this off. Stumbling down the street one hand grasping a wad of jean material at thigh level to keep your pants from slip sliding away just looks stupid. So there’s today’s fashion advice: if you’ve got a great butt, low hangers and freeballing are the way to go, if your butt is lacking then you’ll just look like an ass.

Or worse. Droopy drawers have caused police departments across America to keep an eye on guys’ asses. Many municipalities are trying to ban this fashion faux pas. In Flint, Michigan, they’ve gone so far as to enact a local ordinance that makes wearing your pants below waist level illegal, complete with a sliding scale of fines depending on how far down your pants have slid.

Saggy pants have been a hot button issue all over the country since 2007 when the town council of Delcambre, Louisiana was the first to legally prohibit the practice. In 2008, a Florida Judge ruled a law banning sagging pants was unconstitutional after a 17-year-old spent the night in jail for this major offense. More recently, the Florida has enacted a state wide-ban, but only in reference to low hangers at school.

sagging

Stupid fashion, but soooo much more assessable.

Same with Arkansas where just last month a new state law was passed that prohibits students from exposing their underwear. And in Georgia violators who advertise their choice in underwear brand are subject to a $50 fine with scofflaws risking penalties of up to $200. In Fort Worth, Texas, you can wear your pants around your knees, but not on a city bus. Even President Obama has weighed in on this issue. “Some people might not want to see your underwear,” President Obama said while imploring America’s youth to pull up their pants. “I’m one of them.”

In June, a football player at the University of New Mexico was kicked off a US Airways flight at San Francisco International Airport and arrested after his refusal to pull up his saggy pants. The passenger, Deshon Marman, was charged with trespassing, battery, and interfering with the duties of a police officer following an incident that started at the gate when agents asked Marman to pull up his pants to cover his underwear. His ass was set free, however, when the city refused to prosecute the case.

Something tells me if the young ones would opt for going commando instead, the country’s legislators might start promoting sagging pants instead of trying to ban the practice. Or maybe they’d just apply their efforts to the sagging economy instead.

Flint, Michigan cracks down on butt cracks.

Flint, Michigan cracks down on butt cracks.