Thank the gods the end is near because I want to touch that one.

First it was the Mayans telling us the world will end in December. Now New Zealand is doubling down on apocalyptic predictions with a recent announcement that prostitution, as we know it, is soon to become a thing of the past. Or at least it is if you prefer your pro being a living breathing human being. Victoria University management professor Ian Yeoman and sexologist Michelle Mars say that by the year 2050 sex tourists will be spending $10,000 per go to get off in, on, or thanks to, sex robots.

I’m not sure how valid the researchers’ predictions are, their vision of a world filled with iPros is less than forty years away and we all just learned you can get a real whore in Columbia for $47. And you can charge your night of fun to your country to boot. So dropping ten grand for robotic sex doesn’t sound all that enticing. Besides, sexpats in Pattaya have been paying $25 to bar boys who perform like a robot for years, so that’s nothing new. But the authors of Robots, Men And Sex Tourism insist that due to an increase in sex trafficking and an outbreak of incurable sexually transmitted diseases, horny men visiting foreign countries to get their rocks off will be drawn to robots instead of real humans in the future.

But don’t panic. Ian and Michelle have ignored third world countries were real pros may give robots a run for their money shots. So far they only intend on turning Amsterdam into a cyborg brothel. They envision a red light district filled with “sexual gods and goddesses of different ethnicities, body shapes, ages, languages and sexual features.”

“Amsterdam’s red light district will all be about android prostitutes who are clean of sexual transmitted infections, not smuggled in from Eastern Europe and forced into slavery,” Yeoman wrote in the paper published recently in the journal Futures. “The city council will have direct control over android sex workers controlling prices, hours of operations, and sexual services.”

The new sex industry will be a boon for the city, as it will draw in more tourists while eliminating many of the problems that come with prostitution, such as drug use and violence, according to the Kiwis. Sexually transmitted diseases and infections would be non-existent, Yeoman and Mars said, because the sex robots would be made of bacteria-resistant fiber that would be flushed of human fluids after the sex acts. “Robot sex is safer sex, free from the constraints, precautions and uncertainties of the real deal,” said Mars.

If the Kiwi researcher’s vision for the future is true then thank the gods the world will end on December 21st because that’s a world none of us really want to face. And if you don’t think the Mayans have it right either and that we are not facing the end of the world, consider that this week hunky Matt Damon said he would kiss George W. Bush on the mouth ( for three seconds and no tongue – just to keep the record straight). I’m not sure if that’s the sound of hell freezing over or the world just got buzzed by a flock of flying pigs, but there’s something rotten in the state of Denmark and even if it means a robotic rapture the future is looking pretty damn iffy.

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