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A young looking end of the week in honor of the republican party having spent their week devouring their young. Geeze those people are vicious! So big surprise: Mitt for Brains looks like he’s gonna get to lose to Obama next November. At least he has lots of experience at giving concession speeches. I was surprised, however, to see The Advocate trying to pave his way to acceptance by naming Salt Lake City as the gayest city in the U.S. I guess the thinking is that if you can get gay men to accept Mormons, the rest of the country should be a breeze. I knew that magazine was headed down hill when they started covering lesbian issues (and boy do lesbians have lots of issues!).

Sure any town filled with men wearing magic underwear is gonna get gay men to sit up and take notice. But that’s a long cry from declaring the capital of the Mormon state to be the gay party town. Matthew Breen, the author of the article that gave Salt Lake City its newest honor, based his claim on some rather flimsy criteria such as the number of LGBT bookstores, the availability of nude yoga classes, and having semifinalists in the International Mr. Leather competition. Salt Lake City has one of each. He also scored the city high for having “a half-dozen hot spots for men and women” which include a coffee shop, a nightclub, and a wine bar. Owned by lesbians. Wow, a whole half-dozen! That’s a record winning accomplishment as long as you ignore that you can find several of each of those on any block in the Castro.

Mormons have no problem with homosexuality and warmly welcome gay members to the church. As long as you never act on your sexual impulses. It’s a ‘have your cake and eat it too’ line they’ve drawn on the issue, or more correctly ‘no desert for you’ line. One blow job and you’re looking at excommunication. Not that you have to go for full-on sex, ‘impure thoughts and sexual fantasies’ are enough to get you booted out of their church.

How would America’s gay population fair under President Mitt (assuming he’d actually take a firm stance on any issue)? The Mormon religion, or as they prefer to be known, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, historically preached the being gay was a choice. And a curable mental illness. More recently the church’s elders have softened that stance to agreeing that being gay may not be a conscious choice and that it may be treatable. Obviously while they don’t allow practicing gays in the church they do allow practicing lawyers. And politicians.

The church opposes same-sex marriage, and church members have contributed as much as 50% of the campaign funds to support California’s Proposition 8 . Mormonism teaches that homosexual behavior is a grievous sin, and aligns gay sex with bestiality. Homosexual relations also get thrown into their list of serious transgressions which includes murder, rape, forcible sexual abuse, spouse abuse, intentional serious physical injury of others, adultery, fornication, robbery, burglary, theft, embezzlement, and the sale of illegal drugs. So gay sex gets you kicked off their island and you’ll spend eternity in hell. Polygamy and pedophilia, however, aren’t all that.

Joseph Smith, the religion’s founder and prophet is believed to have been married to twenty-seven wives at the time of his death, several of them being thirteen to fourteen year old girls. But the church no longer backs either practice (wink, wink) and explains that non-Mormons just don’t understand. It’s really all about ‘celestial marriage’ and their belief that a good Mormon man who adheres to the church’s teaching during his lifetime receives his own planet to populate and rule over in death. And that trumps Muhammad’s seventy-two virgins any day of the week.

It’s nice to know that while Mitt can continue to run for the top spot on Earth, and lose over and over again during his time on this planet, once he dies he will finally get his own planet to reign over as Alpha Dog. Still, being trounced by a black man come November is gonna hurt. Mormons believe that anyone with so much as a single drop of black blood in them are the descendants of Cain and that the vast majority of blacks are going to hell. Or as many of us call it, Washington D.C.