Today is St, Patrick’s Day, the one day out of the year everyone is a little bit Irish – ‘little’ being the operative word considering that men from The Emerald Isle are infamous for their leprechaunesque proportions. But then that’s the luck of the Irish. Kinda like having their patron saint not really being Irish; St. Patrick was born to Roman parents in Wales in the late fourth century. Or Ireland being named the top destination and transit country for sex trafficking in 2014. Or that St. Patrick’s Day in Ireland was a dry holiday until 1970. Or Sinead O’Connor.

But since it’s a day to party even when it doesn’t fall on a weekend, the world ignores those pesky little details and celebrates all things Irish. Or at least Guinness. It’s estimated over 12 million pints of quintessential Irish brew will be downed today. It’s also estimated that 75% of all fatal car accidents on March 17 will involve a driver whose blood-alcohol level is twice the legal limit. And ya have to assume with a gay contingent being allowed to march in New York’s St. Patrick’s Day parade for the first time ever this year, whoever decided they would bring up the rear musta had a few pints in him too.

I thought I’d found the perfect hook for today’s post while watching The Layover last week. The episode was set in Dublin (the one in Ireland) and Anthony Bourdain made mention of a rumor about drinking Guinness. “Turns out it actually might be, or has been associated with unexpected penile enlargement,” said he. Finally a bit of luck for the Irish male where it is so desperately needed, thought I. So I Googled it. Nyet. Nada. Zero. Nothing. Other than one search result listing Bourdain’s cruel sense of humor. ‘Cuz there are some things too implausible for even the internet to believe. No problemo. It ain’t mere coincidence that Bottom’s Up is a popular toast when downing a pint, and St. Patrick’s Day wouldn’t be the popular holiday it is if not for those pint-sized men of Ireland.

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