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Take It Off Thursday #48
22 Thursday Jan 2015
Posted Take It Off Thursday
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22 Thursday Jan 2015
Posted Take It Off Thursday
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21 Wednesday Jan 2015
Posted Tips
inLets all put our hands together – and upside the head of the stupid farang who cruise the streets of Bangkok giving a wai to every Thai they meet. Kids, sex workers, touts, street vendors, service personnel, it doesn’t matter. They are in Thailand. And in Thailand you wai.
No. You don’t.
You idiot.
I cringe each time I see a farang wai in Thailand. And usually roll my eyes and shake my head. Unless I’m in a really good mood. Then I point and laugh. I suppose I should be more generous and just chalk it up to an ignorant touri attempting to echo Thai etiquette. But while the locals will pretty much ignore the effort, it’s a lot like a non-native trying to speak French in France: you’ll do it poorly, the locals really won’t appreciate it, and you’ll come off looking like a fool.
It’s easy to understand the first time visitor to the Kingdom picking up this nasty habit. On Day #1 they’ll be waied to a good hundred times. And the gesture is infectious. Especially when it is accompanied by one of those glorious Thai smiles. How can you not wai back? If they bothered to find out just an ounce of Thai culture before making their trip, however, they’d realize the result of their wai attempt is more like a bitch slap than the gracious gesture they intended it to be. Yes, your mama was right. It never hurts to be polite. But if that is your excuse for improperly using the wai in the kingdom, the polite thing would have been to spend five minutes out of your busy day to learn just a smidgen of local culture before landing in Thailand.
Thai’s are big on saving face and being non-confrontational. So when a touri wais, they will not correct him, scold him, or ridicule him. Besides, that’s what I am here for. Their opinion of said touri, however, will drop quicker than Lindsay Lohan’s panties at a lesbian coke party. And seriously, there is nothing more ridiculous than the fat, dread-headed backpacker bobbing down Khaosan Road giving a wai to every tout, tuk tuk driver, street vendor, bell hop, and whore he passes.
But OK, ignorance amongst the uninitiated can be excused with a laugh. The repeat visitor who has tried to go native, and should know better, is a different story. My problem with these guys is their air of superiority, their desperate desire to demonstrate they are ‘in the know’ when the exact opposite is true. And yeah, I’m talking about the fat old sex tourist who gives a wai to every bar boi he meets. The only time you should ever wai to a bar boi is when his cock is between your palms and you are about to deep throat him.
If you are not Thai it is doubtful you will ever master the intricacies of the wai. What looks like the same gesture to the Western eye, is in reality countless variations on the theme. The level the hands are at, the rigidity of the fingers, the degree of accompanying bow, it all has significance to a Thai. And honestly, you will never get it right.
The only time a touri should ever attempt a wai is to a senior monk (both in status and age), a member of the royal family (like you’d ever meet one), a high level member of parliament (see royal family), an elderly person of at least your social status (and since you know nothing about how Thais view social status, mark this one off your list too), possibly your Thai friend’s parents if they are older than you (which is doubtful in the first place, but ask him first anyway and get instructions, too), and to one of those wai giving Ronald McDonald statues (‘cuz it will crack up your Thai friends).
If your mama raised you to be polite, a smile and a nod of the head is an appropriate response when a Thai wais to you. The wrong wai back negates their polite gesture and is akin to a sweet smile while saying, “fuck you”. Because Thais use the wai to pass on that little message too. Just watch the next time a cheap-skate, obnoxious bore staggers out of a gogo bar. Half the staff will wai him. That’s not about Thai graciousness. While their entire hands may be part of that gesture, it’s only their middle fingers that count.
Which you should keep in mind in the event you are confronted with the singular time most visitors ever experience when a wai is not only proper but mandatory. Because while the locals may excuse your other child-like attempts at giving a wai, when The Buddha is the recipient, you better get it right. And 99% of the time your best rule of thumb is the same as it is in giving a wai anywhere else in Thailand: don’t. So let’s cover that first.
Showing proper reverence when visiting a temple in Thailand is a must. That doesn’t mean you have to drop to your knees the minute you enter a wat. It does mean that you show the same amount of respect and decorum you would in a house of worship back home (unless your brand of faith involves handling snakes and such). Be quiet, be respectful, don’t interfere with those whose visit is for religious purposes, and don’t be rude. Walking up to the main Buddha statue, having a quick gander, and then turning your back on him and walking away, by the way, is considered rude. Just like striking a crucified pose in front of the altar at a Christian church for a quick selfie would be.
As a visitor, you are welcome to enter pretty much every wat in the country. Unless you are a Buddhist, your role is that of an observer, not a participant. There is no reason for you to kneel. Because you shouldn’t be standing in the middle of a group of locals praying to begin with. There is no reason for you to pray. Because The Buddha is not your god. And if you are one of those who claim to be more spiritual than religious and you feel the need to ‘honor’ the ideal of The Buddha, find a quiet corner away from the locals and give it your best. That will help keep them from interrupting their prayers to ask The Buddha what in the hell that silly farang is up to.
You may however have the good luck and grand misfortune to be visiting a wat with a Thai who actually thinks well of you. And then you really do owe The Buddha a thanks. Said local may very well care about your spiritual well-being and he may also want you to reap the benefits of offering a blessing to Buddha. Or he may just want to reap the benefits of your wallet paying for both of your accruements associated with offering a blessing. Either way, you’ll soon find yourself holding a candle, some incense sticks, and a flower – usually but not always a lotus blossom, or three. If you are truly blessed you’ll also have a piece or two of gold leaf in your hands. Just to help confuse you further.
As nice as it would be for said local to explain what you are supposed to do with all that stuff, he won’t. Anymore than he would tell you how to breathe. You’re supposed to know this crap. And knowing that you know nothing is the first step toward enlightenment. Unlike learning how to wai by watching the gogo bar’s staff’s treatment of obnoxious customers, watching your friend make his offering first is a good rule of thumb. ‘Cuz the intro is seldom the same.
There are a lot of Buddha statues in Thailand, but they are not created equal. Some are more significant than others. Some are in shrines, others in wats. Some wats rank higher in religious significance, as do then their main Buddha statue. And at some temples it’s not only the Buddha that needs proper respect paid. So how you approach will differ from one spot to the next. At most, walking up to the image will suffice. At many, dropping to your knees in front of the image is expected. At some you should be on your knees before making you way toward the image. Which is a bit tricky if you haven’t been born to it. Especially when all the alcohol you consumed the night before has not yet dissipated from your system.
Fortunately the knee-crawl approach requirement is few and far between. When it is, since you are farang, you can walk up, then kneel, and then make one move forward. That still counts. And any demerits you get are probably minor compared to what you did to your karma the night before. In most cases you won’t have to knee-crawl at all. And in many you’ll never have to drop to your knees either. What you will have to do is figure out what to do with all that crap nestled in your hands. And that – thank the Buddha – is almost always the same.
First comes the candle. If it isn’t already lit, use the flame from one already left as an offering to do so. There will be a vessel with lots of burning candles in it already at the altar, and yours goes in the same place. If there is only a candelabra or candle holders and it/they are already filled, just gently knock one out of its spot to make room for yours. ‘Cuz farang candles always rank higher.
Next, it’s flower time. There is often a bucket of water next to the statue to place your flowers in. Sometime not. Regardless, this is not the time to show off your skills as a florist. Place you flowers where everyone else has. Occasionally, usually at a shrine instead of a wat, your only offering will be flowers. If so, move immediately to step #3. If instead you still have the incense and possibly gold leaf to deal with, um, also move immediately to step #3.
Use the flames from the candles you didn’t knock over to light your incense. Hold them between your palms in the wai gesture. Don’t worry about the height you are holding them at – the locals will already be amazed you got this far without screwing it up. Now it is time to pray. Just like right before you blow out the candles on your birthday cake. You can ask for good health. Or world peace. Or to never have to make an offering to The Buddha again. Or if you want to emulate the Thais praying next to you, you can ask for the winning numbers for the next lottery. Like a Catholic priest during confession, The Buddha has heard it all before. And unlike dealing with a Catholic priest, you’ll probably escape without being molested. Which is probably similar to what your boy du jour who accompanied you on your visit to the wat has been praying for.
After praying, while still holding your incense sticks reverently aloft, wai three times. You do so with a slight bow. Then stick your incense in the bucket where everyone else has planted theirs. You can wai/bow one more time after doing so. It’s up to you. If you moved to this step because you only had a flower offering to give, you normally place your flowers and then do the three wai thingy. In either case, now back away from the altar, taking at least one step (two or three is better) before turning your back on the Buddha. And say a quick prayer of thanks for having not screwed up making your offering to Buddha.
But wait! There’s more!
You may still have some gold leaf in your hands if it came with your Buddha offering kit and if you managed to not drop it while trying to accomplish steps #1 through #3. If so, the statue it goes on it will be evident. It’s not Buddhist graffiti, so this is not the time to blaze new trails. Generally, if you have more than one piece of gold leaf, that means there is more than one statue on which you are supposed to affix some. And yes, it really is gold. And no, do not attempt to scrape off a handful to cash in later. The Buddha will not be amused.
21 Wednesday Jan 2015
Posted Hump Day Is Bump Day
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20 Tuesday Jan 2015
Face, an important but difficult to define cultural concept, holds great sway in many Asian countries. In Thailand, it is as important as the air you breathe. It’s about your reputation, your image, your honor, and the esteem you are held in by others. But more. It is at work 24/7 whether you realize it or not, and greatly impacts your relationship with a bar boy be that a 15 minute one or one that has been going on for several years. Farang who care about what their boy du jour thinks of them, and those who like to treat their offs with respect, consider the guy’s face in how they conduct themselves. Those that don’t lose face without ever realizing it.
The importance of face to a bar boy, and the cultural oddities that stem from that concept, are a popular subject on the gay Thailand message boards with numerous pundits weighing in on what is important to the working guys and how best to not dis them. But face is important to Thailand’s visitors too. It’s just different than that for locals. A successful relationship is incumbent on the actions of both parties involved, and the face a farang gains or loses greatly impacts the face of the Thai he is with. Yet the idea of farang face seldom gets aired. That may have a lot to do with how little respect many farang are deserving of in the first place; countless punters throw theirs away within the first few minutes of hooking up with a new guy. And then wonder why they get burned, land a dud, or get taken for a ride so often. Face, like respect, is something you earn. Like your reputation, it is something you should protect. And not being Thai, from the bar boys’ viewpoint, you are already starting off at a disadvantage.
Farang face too is much about how others view you. And how your boy du jour treats you. What he expects of you, and how he conducts himself in your company impacts your face greatly. And Thais know the greater face their customer – ooops, I mean boyfriend – has, the greater face they themselves gain. With that in mind I offer the following tips for Thailand’s bar boys on how to best protect your Farang’s face. Because he will be clueless to that need:
1. Time Is Relative.
Farang don’t quite get that time – just like most rules in Thailand – is best ignored.. They mistakenly believe 8:00 pm means 8:00 pm and not the 10:00-ish it really denotes. Nothing will frustrate your farang more than you constantly being ‘late’ for an occasion. When everyone knows the party really doesn’t begin until you make your appearance anyway. Your inability to live your life in accordance with the dictates of the fake Rolex he wears on his wrist will cause him to lose great face among his fellow farang who are equally obsessed with the hands on a clock even though they have nothing to do with their time. Of course actually changing your own perception of time would be silly. So instead wait for him to fall asleep and set his watch back by a half hour or so. Problem solved. Face disaster avoided.
2. Impressively Yucky.
Farangs live to impress and think their financial status actually has something to do with face. Why they continue to try to impress bar boys with their spending habits when all they accomplish is to give proof to that old adage that a fool and his money are soon parted is difficult to understand. But then if the fool didn’t part with his money as often as he does, your family would lose its major source of income. So suck it up. Just pray you don’t have to on an empty stomach ‘cuz your farang will love to impress you by taking you to American chain restaurants where the meals costs about the same as what you spend in an entire week on food. Pizza Hut is the worst. The fact farang think of cheese as impressive – or edible – is both bewildering and the burden you must face when dealing with farang.
Farang don’t understand that if it doesn’t have at least five red chilies, it’s not real food. They also don’t get that most Thais are lactose-intolerant and the idea of eating something smothered in what is really nothing more than curdled milk is disgusting. Why farang can’t learn to eat grasshoppers like the rest of the world is a puzzle. But no problem. Smile, make sure whatever pizza he orders has lots of pineapple on it, and then when it comes to the table douse it with heaping spoonfuls of crushed red chilies. And don’t worry about your farang noticing what you had to do to make your meal palatable, he’ll be too busy being pissed off at how late your waiter was in delivering his food to the table.
3. A Whiter Shade Of Pale.
Your farang will gain great face by showing you off to his fellow sexpats as though you were some great find. Little does he know that you have already spent quality time with everyone he knows or is likely to meet. Been there, done them. Regardless, looking your best is important to him and for some unfathomable reason farang think the darker you are the more handsome you are instead of knowing that dark skin means you are a peasant who spends all of his time in the fields doing manual labor. Unfortunately this means at some point he will realize all of the skin whitening creams and lotions he’s been paying for are counterproductive to his ideal of beauty.
Fortunately farang think Thais are some exotic species and their bodies operate differently than the rest of humanity. This can work to your favor. Tell him sperm on your skin turns it white. If you are lucky his face will mean more to him than his orgasm does and he’ll take to having a wank in the toilet instead of forcing you to witness – and participate in – those disgusting acts he insists on. If the Buddha is looking kindly upon you, you may also get away with blaming eating cheese for this problem and can kill two birds with one stone.
4. The Gift That Keeps Giving.
At some point in your relationship someone will tell your farang that all the bling that he’s been buying you is really just a ready source of cash; that as soon as you can you return it to the closest gold shop for what you really wanted: baht. Farang hate to be taken for a fool. Yours will quickly stop buying you gold bling as proof of your love for him, thinking he is saving face by doing so. Fortunately farang don’t realize you have the same deal with just about every vendor and store in town. Tell him instead how hot your loom is and that you need an air-conditioner – or that you need a refrigerator to keep your cheese in – and that wallet will appear quicker than an underage boy in Sunee Plaza. Sure it’ll cost you a few extra bucks to get a large appliance back to your favorite retailer, but you can always tell your farang you need 500 baht for taxi money, and that’ll cover that expense.
5. You Lie Him, You Really Lie Him.
Savvy farang quickly learn that you are telling him a little white lie when you say you lie him or that he is a hansum man. Assuming ‘little white lie’ is Thai for a fib the size of a sexpat’s prodigiously ballooning stomach. Not that he’ll ever stop you from saying so. Or will tire of hearing you say it either. Because fantasy and face have nothing to do with each other. But telling him those things in front of his fellow sexpats is a different story. They can barely stand to be in his presence themselves and your obvious lies will cause him to lose face. It’s just a shame that face isn’t the one attached to the front of his head. On the other hand farang gain much face for knowing how to speak Thai, so they all learn the same cute phrases. That no self-respecting Thai ever actually uses. Jai Dee is a good example and the perfect compliment to pay to your farang in front of his fellow sexpats. He’ll think you are saying he has a good heart. The other bar boys within earshot will know you are marking him as a fool who will dig out his wallet at the drop of a hat.
6. Hello Mudder – Hello Fadder.
Inviting your farang to meet your family will give him major face among his peers. It shows that you really lie him. If you are lucky, you are an orphan and can rent some old people from your village to play the role of your mama and papa. If you are less fortunate, you’ll actually have to introduce mama and papa to their meal ticket. But this is a form of merit making; they will give you major kudos and tons of sympathy when they actually see how disgusting your ‘boyfriend’ really is. Besides, your parents and your farang are probably around the same age and may find something in common.
Having been brought up well, your farang will want to waste his baht on purchasing small gifts for your mama and papa even though everyone knows nothing says respect like cold hard baht. But he will not have a clue as to what is an appropriate gift when meeting your relatives (uh, hello? Baht!). But he will believe that you papa will enjoy a bottle of Johnnie Walker (which you can then take back to your bar and exchange it for cash) and your mama will love a basket of fruit (even though she no longer has enough teeth to make headway on an apple). After he has purchased his gifts, volunteer to wrap them for him. You can save yourself from what would have been an embarrassing moment by using the baht in his wallet or hotel room safe as gift-wrapping. Then when he hands them over it really will be a Kodak moment. Everyone say cheese!
7. Love Means Never Having To Say You’re Solly.
That the countries of the world your farang is likely to come from are its superpowers just goes to show you that there really is evil in the world. Collectively, they may dominate the planet, but individually they are a useless and ignorant lot who don’t understand how the world really works. Their misconceptions about what is and isn’t polite is a good example. Unfortunately that means they will insist on your using the same courtesies they use.
Your farang, for example, will feel he has lost face if you do not thank him for every little thing he buys for you. Yes, you know better; you’ve been taught that thanking someone for a gift lessens the face and merit they would have gained from the act, but then farang are barely worthy of merit anyway. So get used to saying thank you because a well-trained farang will give you many opportunities for expressing your appreciation. And once he is used to your saying thanks a million times a day, even as ignorant as he is he will figure out something is amiss when you fail to extend that courtesy. For example, not saying thank you when it takes him an entire 8 minutes to achieve his orgasm will clue him in that he needs to speed things up. Or ignoring the opportunity for saying thank you when he just bought you a new cellphone will let him know that nothing but the latest model of an iPhone is acceptable in your world. Using thank you wisely can work to your advantage. And then you can go give thanks to the person who really deserves that honor: The Buddha.
8. Farang Don’t Know Maths.
It is a paradox that as much face as Farangs think they get from their financial status and the things they own and buy, when it comes time to actually get their wallet out face is all about how cheaply they can make a purchase for. Obviously your farang – and you – would gain more face by him buying you a new cellphone for $400, but he will think getting it for $350 does more for his rep. This isn’t a problem for you since all your friends know farang overpay for everything anyway and will assume he dropped $500 on your phone. But your farang will want to haggle over the price at your favorite cellphone shop and they all think the best way of bargaining is by yelling. Which costs you the face you would have gained by your farang buying you the most expensive phone in the store in the first place.
So offer to bargain for him. He will think that because you are Thai you will be able to negotiate the best price. Not being able to understand a word of Thai beyond the few cute phrases he’s learned, he won’t be able to follow your conversation and you can use this time to negotiate how big of a cut you will get from the vendor for making the sale. Your farang will gain major face for getting that phone for $50 less, and you’ll get $75 for convincing him he is getting a real deal by spending $150 more than what the phone should have cost. And that’s a lot of face at a very small price.
9. Money Well Spent.
Farang hate being treated like a walking ATM. Which is stupid because everyone knows neither farang nor ATMs actually walk. Your farang will have convinced himself that the reason you like spending time with him has nothing to do with money. In fact he will come up with as many reasons as there are baht in his bank account. Lucky you. Even though it should be evident that him spending money on you is what it is all about, nothing makes a farang think he has just gained major face like you spending money on him. Like that would ever really happen.
Nonetheless, that it takes money to make money is true even in Thailand. And spending a bit of his to make a bit more of yours is a good way to allow him to believe you don’t really think of him as an ATM. Fortunately, part of his fantasy is that you have no money. So it doesn’t take much. For example, when the two for you stop at 7/11 to buy water, dig out some baht to pay for the purchase before he can get his wallet out. This simple act will bring tears to his eyes ‘cuz he’ll know it means you really lie him. And he will ignore that the baht you are using came from him in the first place.
Then, while he is trying to get himself under control, suddenly remember all of the things that you need – like a full compliment of skin whitening lotions and salves – and fill the counter with your goodies. Your farang, fresh from experiencing your largesse, will pay for your additional stuff. Of course. Just don’t forget to say thank you. It’ll make him tear up all over again. Just in case there was something you forgot to add to your first round of purchases. And if you are really lucky you’ll stop at a local mom and pop store instead of at 7/11 and you can double down by offering to bargain for your farang.
10. Um, About Your Face . . .
It’s a shame farang haven’t a clue about face or they would take a few simple steps to protect theirs. Like washing it occasionally. Thais know that being neat, clean, and dressed well – or at least appropriately – is all about face. Farang think that being the superior creatures that they are, they can get away with inflicting their poor grooming habits and weird sense of fashion on others. Unfortunately since your farang insists on hanging on you in public there is no way you can pretend that you do not know him and his lack of hygiene will negatively impact your face among those who count: Thais.
If your farang didn’t spend his every waking minute thinking about all the sex he can buy, he might spend a few minutes a day going one on one with some soap and water. It will do you little good to complain about his lack of showering, he has enjoyed his twice-a-week bath since he was a baby. But he’ll quickly rise to the occasion (meaning about half an hour after he swallows a little blue pill) if you offer to shower with him. He’ll be all hands; you can use yours to lather up those places that are hard to reach for him. Like just about any spot on his body. These are the sacrifices you make for face.
There is not much you can do about the too tight shirts he wears, the pants that needed to meet a washing machine weeks ago, or his fondness for wearing black socks with sandals. But you can avoid being seen in public with him by offering him sex early in the evening. Your farang, like most elderly of his species, will fall asleep as soon as he’s come and then you can spend the evening doing what you really wanted to do (and were doing while he was busy sexing himself) anyway: watching TV.
As for those odd quirks of his, you’ll just have to suck it up and hope no one Thai notices. You may assume he is a drug-addicted psycho just cause he bites his nails, But his mom bites hers too. So it’s a learned habit you will not be able to break. That he cuts his gross toe nails at the beach is equally appalling, but those clippings can be saved and given to your local mor phee when your farang begins balking at replacing yet another cellphone. As for his belching, farting, and the constant scratching he does in public, well if he had face he wouldn’t and since he doesn’t he does. But that may draw attention away from his ugly mug and that’s the face that causes you the most problems anyway.
20 Tuesday Jan 2015
Posted Twinky Tuesday
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19 Monday Jan 2015
Posted It's A Gay World
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Today is Martin Luther King Day in the U.S., one of those odd federal holidays that few outside of government workers get off. It’s not a popular holiday. Although I assume this year with the right-wing nut clown car brigade having taken over Congress they’ll be holding a major celebration in D.C. Like maybe a large bonfire. Or some other similar event to prove you can in fact where white after Labor Day.
I don’t think they were very sincere about establishing a day to honor Dr. King in the first place. January is not the best choice for a three-day weekend. MLK Day would be much more widely celebrated if it was in August. We need a long holiday weekend in August. And then I Can’t Breathe would refer to all the beer and barbeque you just ingested instead of as a rallying cry against the racial injustice that still permeates our land.
Dr. King’s I Have Dream speech is right up there with Four Score And Seven Years Ago in the hierarchy of great political speeches, possibly even greater since it didn’t include any math. And it beats A Day That Will Live In Infamy because FOX News co-opted that one to celebrate President Obama’s first inauguration. As for Teddy Roosevelt’s advice to Walk Softly And Carry A Big Stick, rumor has it Dr. King had that one covered too. Which is always something to celebrate. So enjoy your day.
19 Monday Jan 2015
Posted Monday Meat
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18 Sunday Jan 2015
Posted Selfies Sunday
in≈ Comments Off on Selfies Sunday #47
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