Spring will soon be here, winter is almost over, next week that stupid groundhog will or will not see its shadow when what it really should be shown is a stew pot, and with the change of seasons the thoughts of young men turn to penis. At least young gay men. Although I suspect that still holds true for young straight men too because the one thing we all share in common is a heavy preoccupation with all things dick. And you can scratch the ‘young’ too, seniors are just as enamored with the thought of dick. Come to think about it, while the commencement of spring is a handy excuse, it really doesn’t matter what the season is, or what the weather is like either. So you can ignore the seasonal reference too. ‘Cuz all guys think about dick 24/7, 365 days of the year.
Granted, for some – especially those who think they are straight – those thoughts are about their dick and not the dick of others that they would like to touch, taste, feel, or gaze upon. But even among those whose primary fascination is with what hangs between their own legs, their thoughts too often include concerns over what other guys are packing. How well you measure up, or fail to, is a concern not limited to those of us who know what to do with one regardless of its size. Straight guys like to try to convince themselves their interest is really all about pleasing the ladies, but those mental images stirred by their thoughts never seem to include a picture of vagina.
That size matters seems to be a given. As does that bigger is always better. But historically, the beauty of men was not always defined by length. At least not by prodigious length. The ancient Greeks considered smaller members the ideal of manhood. Wee willys were culturally seen as desirable in a man, whereas humongous hunks of manmeat were viewed as comical or grotesque. And usually found on half-animal critters such as satyrs, barbarians, fertility gods, and the French. Take Priapus for example. A Greek god, he was often depicted as a dwarfish man with a huge penis, statues of which were traditionally set up in vegetable plots to promote fertility with the added benefit of functioning as a scarecrow to frighten birds away. Those statues probably kept the area free from men with small penises too.
Though admittedly that may have had more to do with Priapus being Greek and providing the low point on the bell curve. The ancient Romans too were as fond of Priapus as they were of their own penises, but instead of being a subject of ridicule he was much admired. A popular depiction of the god with the god-like cock shows him weighing his large erect penis against a bag of gold. Which may provide a historical basis for why so many punters in Thailand think buying their boy du jour gold is the right thing to do.
When it came to the question of whether bigger really was better, the ancient world ignored the Greeks and their short comings and replied with a resounding, “Yes!” One of the tales included in Arabian Nights is called Ali with the Large Member, a story about two young cattle herders, one of whom helps his buddy out by talking about the dude’s prodigious member where his friend’s employer’s wife can conveniently overhear the conversation. That tall tale is enough to convince her to take him as her lover. The remainder of the story doesn’t include the happy ending you’d assume it would, but that doesn’t matter. ‘Cuz size does. And it doesn’t get much better than going down in history known as Ali with the Large Member.
Even in the bible – which, even with all that begetting going on seldom makes mention of dick – some saintly man managed to include a reference to Egyptians “whose members were like those of donkeys.” In fact, with the exception of the Greeks and a few pygmy tribes out of Africa, it’s difficult to not find reference to manly-sized members in any ethnicity’s tales and legends. I’m pretty sure even our forefathers had large dick in mind when they included that phrase about the pursuit of happiness in the Constitution. It’s not just coincidence that John Hancock’s signature is so large, ya know.
And that makes sense. Straight guys, in reality, are just as obsessed with big dicks as are gay guys. But the gays get labeled with the size queen moniker. Why? Because gay guys put their money where their mouth is, or at least where they’d like their mouth to be. According to The Relation Between Sexual Orientation and Penile Size – a study by Dr. Anthony Bogaert of Brock University in Ontario, Canada and Dr. Scott Hershberger of California State University-Long Beach – homosexual stiffies are one-third of an inch longer than straight penis is. And our chubs are chubbier too.
The duo’s phallus findings are based on archived data from 5,122 measurements of men’s best buddies obtained by the Kinsey Report from 1938-1963. Penile dimensions were assessed using five measurements of length and circumference from Kinsey’s original protocol. In all five measurements, gay dudes beat out their straight brethren hands down. And up. And down. And . . . well you get the picture.
The good doctors’ study followed up the results of an earlier study by doctors Nedoma and Freund conducted in 1961 which used a live sampling of penis, but in a smaller quantity. Regardless, quality always rises to the top and both studies determined when it comes to top quality cock the gay ones stand proud. Specifically, Doctors Bogaert and Hershberger’s work found that the average size of an erect penis measured in at just under six inches among straight men and just over 6 1/3” among the gays. So it’s not just that gay men like big dicks, but that we happen to own them too.
Which might help explain the findings of a study undertaken at Utrecht University that discovered that the majority of gay men regard a large penis as ideal, and having one is proportionally linked to self-esteem. The problem with that bit of research is that it focused on just gay men and what they thought of their dicks. Had they included our straight brethren in their study I suspect they would have instead concluded that all men, straight or gay, prefer a large dick and are much more self-confident for having one. Face it, you never hear a guy – regardless of his sexual orientation – complain that his dick is too big. Although if Doctors Bogaert and Hershberger’s work gets more press you may hear straight men complain that their dick just isn’t gay enough.
I’ve never quite got foot fetish folk, although I did once give a guy a foot job. Nonetheless, if feet are what makes your best buddy stand, the Vajankle is the sex toy for you. It’s probably popular among gay zombies too. (Thanks Robert. I think.)
This pictorial salute to Bangkok’s wonderfully hideous overhead cable art is a retrospective only a true fan of The Big Mango could enjoy. And I did.
Olympic Boxer Luke Campbell Got Naked for Gay Times Magazine.
Infinite Asians is this week’s NSFW Tumblr link and not only ‘cuz we’re all glad there are an infinite amount of hot Asian guys.
Yet another reason to be happy you’re gay: only women think about cutting off their partner’s penis. And some think about doing it twice.
The Secrets To Handling Passive-Aggressive People may provide some good insight for anyone with a Thai boyfriend ‘cuz that’s an art they’ve all seemed to have mastered.
Forget all those complaints about taxi drivers at Suvarnabhumi, ‘cuz no one wil bitch about the fare charged by Bangkok’s hottest motocy taxi driver.
In the world of Thailand’s gay gogo bars, offing a bar boy means that you are taking him away from the bar. What the two for you then do together is not of the bar’s concern, as obvious as what you will be doing may be. That’s how gogo bars avoid the issue of prostitution. It’s really no different than how escort agencies get away with the same trick back in the U.S. It’s about companionship between two adults, not sex. Wink, wink. Since there have been quite a few questions about the process and fees involved recently, and since that tradition still impacts the process today, I thought a brief explanation of the historical basis of offing a bar boy might be in order. But I’m going with a not-so-brief one instead.
Before there where gogo bars in Bangkok for gay clientele, there were gogo bars for the hetro set. Fish for sale has been a staple for visitors to the Kingdom for decades. The modern version got its start during the Vietnam War when Thailand was a popular spot for military service personnel on R & R. In those days, like today, the bars made money off of selling overpriced drinks and for surrounding customers with hot naked flesh. And made even more cash from supplying willing companions to those who wanted a fuller experience.
Working for a Thai employer is a bitch. They don’t pay well. And employees are completely at their mercy. Being the cheap ass most of them are, anytime they can get away with not paying a satang to an employee is a good day in their book. So the bars quickly developed a set of rules that kept employees in line and helped keep their bottom line in the black. The rules, which did and still do change from one bar to the next, are all backed up with monetary fines. Show up late, you get fined. Don’t show up at all, that’s another fine. Some of the straight bars today have even begun fining their stable when a girl gets a short-time off and then does not return to the bar when she’s done. Even outside of the bar world fining employees is a popular pastime among Thai employers. And because it is part of how business is done in Thailand, employees go along with the system that deducts wages from their check as often as possible.
It’s always best for a gogo bar to have a large stable of employees on hand whenever a customer walks through the door. Sometimes I wish they cared more about quality over quantity, but there ya go. But when a gogo bar worker lands a customer, that means one less employee to entertain the clientele. So the bars decided that employee should be fined. What we typically call an off fee in the bars that gay men frequent is called a bar-fine in the gogo bars that cater to the straight crowd. They are the same thing. Whatever the amount set by the bar for this fine is, it is owed to the bar by the employee.
Of course gogo bar employees are poor, and customers are rich whether that’s true back in his home country or not. Traditionally, customers have been expected to pay the bar fine on the employee’s behalf. And that’s cool with the bar. They don’t care whose pocket the money comes from. They are still gonna make a profit out of it. Plus most bars pay a very small wage to each employee for showing up to work – but if that employee lands a customer, they don’t get their normal night’s wage. Because it is assumed they will earn even more from the tip they get off their customer. That’s another fine that isn’t even considered a fine. This tradition is slowly changing but is still practiced at many bars. I only mention it here to demonstrate how much bar owners love their cash. In case you never noticed.
So the off fee, or bar fine, is owed for a bar boy who spends time away from his place of work during regular working hours. If he leaves the bar three times in a night, going for short-time offs with three different customers, he owes the bar three bar fines. All of which will be paid by the customers who decided to off him. Which is both about tradition and deep pockets. If a customer decides to off him for more than one night, the bar boy is fined for each night he is away from work. And unless you are a total asshole, as the customer you will pay that fine on his behalf. Not that you have much choice these days ‘cuz that fine is usually added to your check bin.
The only time I have ever argued over the amount of a bar fine I was asked to pay was a night after having offed a guy the night before and after having paid for that night’s off fee. The next night we went back to his bar around 9pm so I could pay an additional bar fine because I decided to keep him with me for another night. The bar wanted their usual off fee, plus another 100 baht, which was what their fine was for employees who showed up late for work (he was supposed to be there by 8pm). Both the boy and the bar thought that made perfect sense. And in the world of Bangkok’s gogo bars, it did.
My wallet disagreed. And actually won that one. Which still amazes me today. I paid the bar fine, but not the fine for being tardy. I claimed that he wasn’t late for work that night but rather was early for the next night. Meeting bullshit with bullshit of your own works well when face is involved. Plastering a stupid smile on your face and insistently repeating your same dubious claim of truth over and over again no matter what the other person says is the proper way to debate any issue in Thailand. The loser is he who blinks first.
So if you are confused about when and how much you owe on off fees, thinking of them as bar fines levied against the employee for not being at work should clarify the matter. For every night your boy is not at work – or is late getting there thanks to you, I guess – a bar fine is charged. Which you are supposed to pay. Thinking of them in this manner may also help explain why you should not expect a discount on the bar fines when you off a guy for an extended period of time. It’s like the fine you pay for speeding back home. You don’t get a discount for getting multiple speeding tickets. Fines are seldom treated like frequent flyer miles.
Remember those hidden picture posters from the ’80s that if you stared at long enough were supposed to miraculously turn into a picture of frolicking dolphins or unicorns something? Those never worked for me. Maybe it was just that I didn’t want to see a picture of unicorns. Or that I thought recreational drugs were supposed to do that trick for you. I do know that some of Picasso’s work began making sense to me thanks to those drugs. I’m just kinda glad he chose women as his subjects rather than naked men. On the other hand, if the hidden subject in those mystery posters had been frolicking penises, I’d probably have done much better sussing them out.
Having said that, I hope there isn’t a penis in this photo. There is a lot of male flesh. I’m just not sure which appendages are represented. And every time I think I’ve got it, the numbers don’t add up. I’m not sure if the ink helps matters or adds to the confusion. Regardless, I keep coming back to this shot trying to make some sense of it. Maybe I shoulda stuck with the Picassos. Whatdaya think?