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Forget gaydar, science says the true measure of a man's sexuality is how big his penis is.

Forget gaydar, science says the true measure of a man’s sexuality is how big his penis is.

Spring will soon be here, winter is almost over, next week that stupid groundhog will or will not see its shadow when what it really should be shown is a stew pot, and with the change of seasons the thoughts of young men turn to penis. At least young gay men. Although I suspect that still holds true for young straight men too because the one thing we all share in common is a heavy preoccupation with all things dick. And you can scratch the ‘young’ too, seniors are just as enamored with the thought of dick. Come to think about it, while the commencement of spring is a handy excuse, it really doesn’t matter what the season is, or what the weather is like either. So you can ignore the seasonal reference too. ‘Cuz all guys think about dick 24/7, 365 days of the year.

Granted, for some – especially those who think they are straight – those thoughts are about their dick and not the dick of others that they would like to touch, taste, feel, or gaze upon. But even among those whose primary fascination is with what hangs between their own legs, their thoughts too often include concerns over what other guys are packing. How well you measure up, or fail to, is a concern not limited to those of us who know what to do with one regardless of its size. Straight guys like to try to convince themselves their interest is really all about pleasing the ladies, but those mental images stirred by their thoughts never seem to include a picture of vagina.

Just sayin’.

That size matters seems to be a given. As does that bigger is always better. But historically, the beauty of men was not always defined by length. At least not by prodigious length. The ancient Greeks considered smaller members the ideal of manhood. Wee willys were culturally seen as desirable in a man, whereas humongous hunks of manmeat were viewed as comical or grotesque. And usually found on half-animal critters such as satyrs, barbarians, fertility gods, and the French. Take Priapus for example. A Greek god, he was often depicted as a dwarfish man with a huge penis, statues of which were traditionally set up in vegetable plots to promote fertility with the added benefit of functioning as a scarecrow to frighten birds away. Those statues probably kept the area free from men with small penises too.

Does size matter? See, there is such a thing as a stupid question!

Does size matter? See, there is such a thing as a stupid question!

Though admittedly that may have had more to do with Priapus being Greek and providing the low point on the bell curve. The ancient Romans too were as fond of Priapus as they were of their own penises, but instead of being a subject of ridicule he was much admired. A popular depiction of the god with the god-like cock shows him weighing his large erect penis against a bag of gold. Which may provide a historical basis for why so many punters in Thailand think buying their boy du jour gold is the right thing to do.

When it came to the question of whether bigger really was better, the ancient world ignored the Greeks and their short comings and replied with a resounding, “Yes!” One of the tales included in Arabian Nights is called Ali with the Large Member, a story about two young cattle herders, one of whom helps his buddy out by talking about the dude’s prodigious member where his friend’s employer’s wife can conveniently overhear the conversation. That tall tale is enough to convince her to take him as her lover. The remainder of the story doesn’t include the happy ending you’d assume it would, but that doesn’t matter. ‘Cuz size does. And it doesn’t get much better than going down in history known as Ali with the Large Member.

Even in the bible – which, even with all that begetting going on seldom makes mention of dick – some saintly man managed to include a reference to Egyptians “whose members were like those of donkeys.” In fact, with the exception of the Greeks and a few pygmy tribes out of Africa, it’s difficult to not find reference to manly-sized members in any ethnicity’s tales and legends. I’m pretty sure even our forefathers had large dick in mind when they included that phrase about the pursuit of happiness in the Constitution. It’s not just coincidence that John Hancock’s signature is so large, ya know.

I'm going with gay, but that one may take a lot more research.

I’m going with gay, but that one may take a lot more research.

And that makes sense. Straight guys, in reality, are just as obsessed with big dicks as are gay guys. But the gays get labeled with the size queen moniker. Why? Because gay guys put their money where their mouth is, or at least where they’d like their mouth to be. According to The Relation Between Sexual Orientation and Penile Size – a study by Dr. Anthony Bogaert of Brock University in Ontario, Canada and Dr. Scott Hershberger of California State University-Long Beach – homosexual stiffies are one-third of an inch longer than straight penis is. And our chubs are chubbier too.

The duo’s phallus findings are based on archived data from 5,122 measurements of men’s best buddies obtained by the Kinsey Report from 1938-1963. Penile dimensions were assessed using five measurements of length and circumference from Kinsey’s original protocol. In all five measurements, gay dudes beat out their straight brethren hands down. And up. And down. And . . . well you get the picture.

The good doctors’ study followed up the results of an earlier study by doctors Nedoma and Freund conducted in 1961 which used a live sampling of penis, but in a smaller quantity. Regardless, quality always rises to the top and both studies determined when it comes to top quality cock the gay ones stand proud. Specifically, Doctors Bogaert and Hershberger’s work found that the average size of an erect penis measured in at just under six inches among straight men and just over 6 1/3” among the gays. So it’s not just that gay men like big dicks, but that we happen to own them too.

It's a shame that while gay equality spreads across the land, straight guys will still just never quite measure up.

It’s a shame that while gay equality spreads across the land, straight guys will still just never quite measure up.

Which might help explain the findings of a study undertaken at Utrecht University that discovered that the majority of gay men regard a large penis as ideal, and having one is proportionally linked to self-esteem. The problem with that bit of research is that it focused on just gay men and what they thought of their dicks. Had they included our straight brethren in their study I suspect they would have instead concluded that all men, straight or gay, prefer a large dick and are much more self-confident for having one. Face it, you never hear a guy – regardless of his sexual orientation – complain that his dick is too big. Although if Doctors Bogaert and Hershberger’s work gets more press you may hear straight men complain that their dick just isn’t gay enough.